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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to end my relationship

31 replies

msgrinch · 13/12/2014 20:05

my grandmother has just passed away and "d" p has been less than supportive. In fact he's done nothing but cause arguments and make me feel as low as could be.

my dm has not taken her mother's death well and has be hospitalised. Instead of being sat with my partner I'm sat alone in tears and he's just constantly arguing with me over text.

OP posts:
lemisscared · 13/12/2014 20:07

Dump the fucker!!

pinkyredrose · 13/12/2014 20:10

Omg get rid of him! He's no good.

I'm so sorry for your Grandmothers passing.

LadyLuck10 · 13/12/2014 20:10

Yanbu, it's times like these people show their true colors. If he can't be there for you at the worst, he should not enjoy the good times. Sorry about your gran and dm.

GreenPetal94 · 13/12/2014 20:15

The other way to see this is never make a major decision during a time of stress.

LindyHemming · 13/12/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
msgrinch · 13/12/2014 20:19

yes that's exactly it. He's not the centre of attention. I'm made to feel like it's no big deal. If the tables were turned it would be so different.

OP posts:
bubalou · 13/12/2014 20:21

So sorry to hear this.

I had this with my grandmother earlier this year and looking after my poor mum was hard.

I agree with what people are saying. Times like these are when you can really tell what type of person you are with and he sounds like he clearly doesn't deserve you.

Hatespiders · 13/12/2014 20:24

What a selfish nasty man! Get rid of him. He should be there for you at sad times like this. He must be extremely cold-hearted and mean to not want to comfort you.

So sorry about your gm and your mum being in hospital. x

BIWI · 13/12/2014 20:25

I'm sorry for your loss, msgrinch. Sad

As should be your DP. Sounds like he's showing his true colours - and that you should get rid.

Original poster
msgrinch · 13/12/2014 20:25

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I just feel I'm only one person, I have a child, a full time job etc now this situation and my younger sister to look after. I need some support.

OP posts:
Perfectlypurple · 13/12/2014 20:31

Get rid. A partner should be supportive. My nan died 10 days ago. We had the call to say it was imminent. My dp rang his boss and said he would be late and stayed with me while I was with my nan in her final hours. He wouldn't leave even though I said I would be ok as my parents were there. That is how a partner should support you.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 13/12/2014 20:32

If he's not supportive during the rough, he shouldn't get you during the smooth.

Sorry for your loss xx

bobs123 · 13/12/2014 20:44

So sorry for your loss Flowers I had this from my stbx when my sister passed away, and then my mum 4 yrs later. I decided that I was probably being over emotional at the time so not to do anything rash.

However you should certainly sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know on no uncertain terms that you expect him to be supportive at this time (i.e. it's not all about him). If it helps, make a list of the things you want to say first.

Then if he still continues to be a twat, feel free to do as others have already suggested.

You have not said what he is like normally and some people just do not know how to react in this sort of situation and go on the defensive - just trying to see it from both sides???

lunar1 · 13/12/2014 20:51

A partner should make things better during the tough times not worse.

Original poster
msgrinch · 13/12/2014 21:46

He's like a split personality at the best of times. I'm not perfect but I try. I just wanted a cuddle, a glass of wine and a chat.

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 13/12/2014 22:09

Sorry to hear your loss, but has it brought up other issues with your DP?
Sometimes I think men go on the defensive when they are acared and can't admit it.
Alternatively he is a tool.
Wine is the answer whatever the response.

Janethegirl · 13/12/2014 22:10

Scared

Original poster
msgrinch · 14/12/2014 00:40

my mum's taken a turn for the worse. It looks like she'll be sectioned on her release from intensive care. I still have to bury my nan. I don't know how all this works or what to do. "d " p has thrown a strop and walked out. I have no support or help.

OP posts:
TInselaffe · 14/12/2014 01:05

Oh sweetheart, I am sorry for your loss and for your DM being ill.

Your partner is being a twunt and you will be better off without him - you can focus on yourself, your DC, your sister and DM without him distracting or making it about him.

I don't know how funerals work - I'm sure others will be along shortly - but could you have a look in the local paper/on the Internet and ring a couple in the morning and ask them? They should be able to give you an approximate range of price and ideas on what you need to do. I imagine most people don't know how funerals work until it happens to them so they must do a lot of explaining. Alternatively if your GM passed away in a nursing home or in hospital then the staff there will probably know what you need to do.

Right now your DM is in the best place with people to look after her. How old is your sister? Does she need to come and stay with you, or do you need to go to her whilst your Mum is in hospital?

If your DP lives with you I'd be tempted to put the chain on if he has somewhere else he could go tonight, like a friend's house and cuddle up in bed with a hot water bottle and some wine/hot chocolate and something distracting like the Internet or a magazine if you feel like you can't sleep. Take care of yourself so that you are in the best place to look after the others.

Flowers and an unMNetty hug.

Original poster
msgrinch · 14/12/2014 01:17

My sister is 18 so not unable to help. My "d " p s best friend haw just called me being more supportive than anyone. I have to go to work tomorrow (I'm senior management) and I think maybe it will take my mind off things. as far as my partner is concerned still nothing, no support; not even a hug.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 14/12/2014 01:17

I'm so sorry about your Nan and about your mum - sounds like you're going through an awful time Sad

Your "DP" sounds just vile. You shouldn't have to put up with this shit. Getting rid of him sounds like the best course of action.

My gran had a stroke whilst she was visiting us and was hospitalised. It was immediately apparent that it was pretty serious. We all got to the hospital, and my sister's "DP", instead of showing any form of support, sat there on his own, in the corner of the room, playing with a jigsaw. He was 30 at the time.

He also threw a strop if things didn't go his way. They were engaged, had a house together, dogs, and had been together for about 5 years.

For her, that was a turning point. She got rid of him 4 months later.

She is now happily married to my DBil who she met a very short time later. She has never been so happy, and she tells me that it highlights just how shit her previous relationship was.

You don't have to put up with shit like this from anyone, especially when it is so clear that you need support, not arguments. He's telling you who he is - please listen x

bobs123 · 14/12/2014 11:42

I think re funerals find a local undertaker and they will explain everything to you. they will also arrange as much as you want - flowers, catering etc and bill you for everything at the end which can make life easier. Or you can do some of it yourself.

You need to find out if your nan left any papers saying how she would like everything to be dealt with. Otherwise you just have to give it your best guess...and really don't worry too much about the minutiae on this.

Depending on what sort of funeral, the vicar will also visit and be a lot of help

LisaD1 · 14/12/2014 21:13

This person is not you partner, or he would be there for you when you need him. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my nan a few years ago, not long after we had spent 17 days at the bedside of my husbands father who was in a coma following surgery. My DH was exhausted... but he was still there for me. It's what partners do.

I hope you get some love and support at this difficult time, you will see who really cares.

Original poster
msgrinch · 14/12/2014 23:04

sorry for my late reply. I've been at the hospital with my mum and then went into work. work seems to be the best thing for me at the moment. that and watching harry potter films (god knows why!)

I've contacte the funeral director and have a date arranged. I have a family friend going to sort the house out as I just can't face it. I'm waiting to break down but at the moment I'm completely numb. dp is still being useless, he's snoring away on my sofa. I know I need to end this but I'm just so worn down by life at the moment. tmi but to top it all off I have thrush, probably due to stress and change of soap but talk about kick you when you're down!

OP posts:
bobs123 · 14/12/2014 23:14

Flowers Put live yoghourt on it and lie on the sofa with legs up (kick dp off first!). Old wives remedy supposed to work Smile

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