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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that this arrangement is just plain odd?

30 replies

umbongoumbongo · 08/12/2014 13:13

Whilst bored at work I found the following story about a couple who are married but live in different houses. To me it just looks like he is trying to keep up a bachelor existence which suits him just fine thank you very much.

Having just done a LTB myself for reasons of lack of commitment, the fact that his house was very much 'his house', my apparent lack of housewifeliness and that I just got fed up of his moaning I wondered what people think of this? My ex had a 13 relationship before me and never lived with her even though they had a child together... I think it's weird and smacks of a selfish inflexible personality...

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2864579/I-love-husband-REFUSE-live-couples-claim-separate-homes-secret-marital-bliss-really-true.html

OP posts:

Mammanat222 · 08/12/2014 13:24

Yep very odd.

Although I'd love an evening or two every now and then when OH pissed off back to his "own place"

I couldn't do it long term though!

december12 · 08/12/2014 13:25

If there aren't any children it seems like a perfect arrangement to me.

however · 08/12/2014 13:26

Wouldn't work for me, or for most, I guess. The situation sounds almost like a typical amicable divorce type scenario.

I can see it working well for a parent re-coupling with another partner. I'd want to live a bit closer though.

Andrewofgg · 08/12/2014 13:29

There is a rellie of DW who did-not-live with her BF for some fifteen years until he died. They never shared a home; he had his, she and her sons had hers (until for other reasons they decided to live with their father instead) and they seemed very happy in each others' company. They took holidays together. Worked for them!

DoJo · 08/12/2014 13:33

I know a couple who did this - they are both quite unusual characters, and I suspect that neither of them would have been able to maintain a long term relationship at all had they not found someone who had the same ideas about personal space and being able to 'go home' at the end of the day. I think it's sweet that they have found each other and that they are both happy.

I find it much odder reading posts on here about people that put up with appalling treatment from their live-in partners - perhaps some of them would be better off if their husbands/wives/significant others buggered off to their own houses every so often and left them in peace.

TheChandler · 08/12/2014 13:38

I would guess that in the whole world of human relationships, there are all sorts of variations on the "norm". I think they are a lovely couple. I agree with the poster above that couples who stay in abusive or unhappy marriages are far more odd.

And why do you make the assumption that the man is the one "trying to keep up a bachelor existence"?

Are you very intolerant of other things too OP? Some people even stay single all their lives, you know.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 08/12/2014 13:38

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter had/have this arrangement, seems to work for them.

I wouldn't mind it - DH and I have discussed in passing having an L shaped house, with his end, my end and a communal section in the middle with the DC - if only we had the money!

Ragwort · 08/12/2014 13:40

I agree with DoJo - I am far more shocked about the sort of relationships and behaviour that people put up with just for the sake of living with someone.

I wish more people would learn to be content in their own company.

I do live with my DH but we have very separate lives, he works overseas a lot and we don't share a bedroom - works for us . But if we split up I would never live with anyone again.

IAmAPaleontologist · 08/12/2014 13:58

FIL and his DP don't live together. They were together perfectly happily for over 10 years, though they did spend nights at each other's houses, had plenty of holidays together where they shared a bed and so on. Come to think of it the part that doesn't sit well with me personally abut the couple in the article is the not even spending a night together. Anyway, I digress. FIL and his Dp one day decided that they would each sell their houses and buy somewhere together. A lot of house hunting followed and eventually they managed to find somewhere pretty much perfect (that art of compromise not being their strong point. Should have been a warning that!). They moved in and just bickered all the blinking time. They couldn't even agree what cupboards to put stuff in in the kitchen. Eventually they split up. thankfully FIL had been unable to sell his house and was renting it out and by some providence the people renting it wanted to give notice so he had somewhere to go and she stayed in the house.

Fast forwards a year or so and they are together again and are happy. But still in separate houses! They did talk about FIL moving back in a while ago. Hasn't happened yet and I really hope it doesn't, don't think Dh could take it!

Original poster

umbongoumbongo · 08/12/2014 14:01

TheChandler; I say that as from reading the story it was 'his idea' so to speak and it says that she initially wanted a more traditional marriage. She also seems to be the one with the main responsibility of looking after their child while the jist is that he still goes out to parties etc.

And no I am actually too tolerant according to friends and family. So much so it took me 2 years to leave an EA relationship (which wasn't much better than the one before where I was treated like a doormat too). The article struck a chord as I strongly suspect that my recent ex would like this sort of arrangement (whereas I do not) as I see little point being in a relationship where you do not share a house especially if you have children and I wondered what others opinions were.

OP posts:

shelley1977 · 08/12/2014 14:12

Everyones different I suppose, I loved living on my own with my children until I met my partner. Then being apart was to much and we moved in together. It was hard giving up my place but knew id rather do that than stay living separate.

FinallyHere · 08/12/2014 14:19

When we got together, we lived about 60miles apart, so a good hour's journey. Moving was not practical, since we both worked even further apart. Fast forward nine years, his new job means he just needs to be near the airport and we finally move in together.

Having literally never had a cross word, we had the same bickering about , well, everything for ages, til we settled down and just accepted that we each couldn't have our own way about everything. I still hate how the kitchen cupboards are arranged but just don't let myself think about it. I like to thrown things out and he , well he likes to keep things, so the house is slowly filling up.

So, yes, my ideal would be flats by side, where, without thinking about it, we do your rules in yours and my rules in mine. Bliss.

Pandora37 · 08/12/2014 14:21

It sounds perfect to me but I think I'd find living with someone difficult, I'm very much a fan of having my own space. The man in the article sounds like a bit of an arse, and I do wonder about the practicalities of it financially. But I like the idea of it.

Butterpuff · 08/12/2014 14:31

I know a few couples who are married but live in different houses, some from necessity (work in different areas meet up at the weekend, tend to be younger) some because they just choose it. Those that have chosen it as a life style (that I know) are older couples with grown up children on a second marriage, I think that after being burnt once, and having lived alone in their own homes they enjoy life that way and so keep the best of both worlds, independence and a relationship. Seems to work for them.

StillSquirrelling · 08/12/2014 14:37

My friend had an odd (to me) set up when she first got married. She lived on a certain road and her partner lived on a road that ran parallel to hers - so their back gardens were almost opposite one another.

He had his house - she had her house. They got married and it stayed the same. They then had a child and it STILL stayed the same! For a year or so anyway. The child wasn't that great at sleeping as a baby (think she's not actually that much better at the grand old age of 3) and so in order to ensure he got a decent night's sleep the father would piss off back to his own house! His house was also an entirely child-free zone as he was very particular about his stuff.

They have since sold both houses and are now co-habiting so the arrangement probably wasn't all that convenient once the child came along.

SaucyJack · 08/12/2014 14:38

If it's the "couple" from the Fail who have the little boy with Down Syndrome, then I agree with you.

He's very happily married and that's clearly all that matters to him.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 08/12/2014 16:40

The main advantage to living together, if you're both working, is that there are two wages to cover the bills. Then again I've been single for 14 years now and I'm not sure I could live with someone again, that's something I'll find out if I ever do meet someone.

I do know a couple who are married but lived separately, or at least used to. It suited them to do so.

Reading the article it does seem to suit him more than her and I do wonder if she's convinced herself that she doesn't want to live with him because she knows it won't happen.

ILovedYouYesterday · 08/12/2014 17:04

Never spending a night together feels a bit lonely to me but, if it works for them...

Separate space sounds very appealing though! I do love DH but could write an essay about all things I struggle with living with him!

I would love two semis or two flats. DH's parents moved into a sheltered flat recently - they love it but I look at it and think we would need two as i could not live happily with DH in such a small space!

Alternatively, I would like my own secret bolt hole that I could slink off to when I needed a bit of peace and where I made all the decisions about what went where and everything stayed how I left it!

I know if DH and I ever split I would never live full time with anyone (other than the DC) ever again.

Hatespiders · 08/12/2014 17:10

The couple in the DM article started to live apart because the dh didn't want to live with his dw. She admits that she was hurt and ideally would have preferred to cohabit. Since they've had a Down's ds, he has the little boy 2 and a half days a week. I reckon she still isn't completely happy with the situation.

We have old friends who live in adjacent cottages and have done for years. They both much prefer it like that. He lives like 'a bear with furniture' with his two big dogs, and she like her house all chintzy and bric-a-braccy.

It's perfectly fine if both feel the same about separate houses.

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2014 17:16

My DH worked away from home and I never felt lonely, I think it's a personality thing.

My Dad had also worked away, so I grew up with that as the norm.

I was widowed and enjoyed having my own home.

I've just come out of a six year relationship, thankfully we agreed that we didn't want to live together.

I would of preferred to DTD and he go home afterwards, rather than stay, tbh.

I hope to find someone who doesn't have the need to live together, in the future.

There are many on here who do live with partners but have separate rooms, each to their own.

Hatespiders · 08/12/2014 17:55

Oh we have separate rooms, Birds. For donkeys' years. I snore and we both much prefer our own space/bit of territory. But again, it has to be something both people equally want.

WyrdByrd · 08/12/2014 18:29

DH & I lived together on and off for 7 years before we got married, and have lived together for 12 years since.

Tbh I feel we'd be a lot happier living separately. He has an active social life outside the home, and I like my own space which works quite well, but we also both work term time only so have 13 weeks annual leave a year under one another's feet. Furniture & decor is a compromise & we have vert different priorities re housework.

I'm hoping that once DD is grown up we might be able to amicably live apart again.

Original poster

umbongoumbongo · 08/12/2014 19:30

Interesting responses; not saying it's right or wrong just not what I'd choose personally and she sounds like she has just gone along with it to me.

OP posts:

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 09/12/2014 10:00

Yes, we have separate rooms too but that's largely because I co-sleep/slept with both DSs from birth - DH couldn't cope with it so moved out to the spare bed when DS1 was 3 days old. He's now 7 and we only sleep in the same bed when we're on holidays. TBH I'm not sure we're ever going to sleep in the same bed again - we have VERY different sleep habits!

SoonToBeMrsB · 09/12/2014 10:40

DP would definitely snipe at each other far less if we had our own flats!

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