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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you'd do in this situation?

17 replies

strawberryella · 05/12/2014 23:29

I have been non contact with my parents for about 2 years, due to them being very mentally abusive to me for my whole life. My sister is the favoured child.

I have 3 DC, including a 16 year old DD from a previous relationship. During the non contact time my DD and parents have kept in touch, and DD visits them regularly. I have tried to explain to DD why I am non contact with parents and why I think she shouldn't see them too (they have tried to be emotionally abusive to her at times, in my opinion). DD says that if I stop her seeing my parents then she will move out and go and live with her father (who is equally as abusive as my parents)

DD has now announced that she is going to spend Christmas at my parents house.

I'm so upset. WWYD in this situation? I guess I just have to let her go, don't I?

OP posts:
Middleagedmotheroftwo · 05/12/2014 23:44

Yes. Let her go. She obviously likes them, and doesn't think shes being emotionally abused - what makes you think she is?

HumblePieMonster · 05/12/2014 23:52

yes if she wants to go let her go
remind her that if it ever becomes uncomfortable for her she can come home
sounds like shes doing a bit of a power thing

don't worry just get on with life

apologies for lack of punctuation keyboard playing up again

Nancy66 · 05/12/2014 23:54

At 16 I think you have to let her make her own decisions. She clearly has a bond with her grandparents. Maybe when she's older she'll see them in a different light.

gamerchick · 05/12/2014 23:56

Just let her go and don't let her think you're upset. She needs to discover herself and her family on her own.

As long as she knows she has a solid base with you is all you need to do.

PuffinsAreFictitious · 05/12/2014 23:56

She's 16.

She either knows her own mind and has made a positive decision, or she is doing this to 'show you'. Either way, all you can do is let her do as she wishes and be there without 'told you so' if it all goes horribly wrong.

I can see why it would be hurtful to you though.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2014 23:57

Yes, I'm afraid it's up to her.

She's clearly happy with her relationship with them.

DoJo · 05/12/2014 23:59

It depends what you consider to be emotionally abusive about their behaviour towards her really.

If you think that the way they treat her could have long-term damaging effects, and that she is indoctrinated to the extent that she doesn't realise it, then I suppose you are duty bound to try and stop her, but you won't be able to prevent her from moving to her dad's if she chooses to.

If she's aware of the behaviour but simply disagrees with you that it is abusive, then I suppose you will have to agree to disagree as you have tried to talk to her about it and she is old enough to hold her own opinions and make different judgements to you.

usualsuspectsparkly3 · 06/12/2014 00:03

It must be very difficult for you. She clearly has a relationship.with her grandparents. Will she compromise and spend some time with you over Xmas?

biggles50 · 06/12/2014 10:19

Really upsetting for you. Your parents are obviously delighted. If possible try and make light of it and explain briefly the problems you've had over the years and why you felt no contact was the best decision. Be careful with your wording as information may be prized out of her. Don't fight it give her your blessing and realise that it's a natural need for your daughter to be curious about extended family. They won't abuse her they will love bomb her but skillfully and subtly put you down. Be prepared for mum they're lovely and can't understand why you won't see them. Stay strong and have a wonderful Xmas with your family.

simbacatlivesagain · 06/12/2014 10:50

By not letting her go aren't you being emotionally abusive to her? At 16 she is old enough to make up her own mind.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 06/12/2014 11:22

Let her go and play the long game. Right now, their primary purpose in inviting her is to hurt you. She is your pride and joy and they think they're depriving you of her.

Up to a point that's true, but you're still her mum whether you're physically present or not. You have each other's hearts, iyswim.

If you grit your teeth, they will show their hand. It'll take the form of badmouthing at first, but if DD is rational she'll pull them up. Then they'll punish her, at which point they'll find that a 16 year old can exact a truly terrible vengeance.

RobotLover68 · 06/12/2014 11:25

DisgraceToTheYChromosome

good post!

PuffinsAreFictitious · 06/12/2014 11:28

Simba...in what way is trying to prevent known emotional abusers emotionally abusing your DD emotionally abusive?

bauhausfan · 06/12/2014 12:07

A while ago someone on MN said 'If your parents are too toxic for you, they are far too toxic for your children.' So true. I am NC with my parents ad I would never let them near my kids. The kids become another weapon for them to use against you. OP, I am truly sorry for what has happened. You must be feeling very hurt and betrayed right now. I think others have it right. Smile, kiss her and tell her to have fun and that you will miss her. She may not have so much fun without you all as she thinks. Good luck xx

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 06/12/2014 15:39

Smile, kiss her and tell her to have fun and that you will miss her. She may not have so much fun without you all as she thinks.

Agree with this.

Northernparent68 · 06/12/2014 16:25

For reasons I can't explain bad parents can be good grandparents, it may well be your parents are nice to her. I'm sure you would have heard from her if they were unpleasant to her.

heavenlypeace · 06/12/2014 17:33

You habe to let her go

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