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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that my DM never includes me in this?

23 replies

IceCreamAngel · 02/12/2014 16:22

For the past two or three years or so my DM and Auntie have gone out for a meal together one, sometimes two Tuesday evenings in a Month. This has never been an issue for me until one day my Auntie asked why I never go with them, why would I? I asked, it's their "thing". She then told me that she's always asking my DM to bring me along as well, but my DM always tells her that I can't come because I'm busy. I'm not busy, I don't do anything on a Tuesday night other than sit on the sofa and watch TV and she knows full well!

That's not the end of it though, it's got back to me that quite often my cousins (Aunties son and daughter) tag along to, and not just that my Aunties granddaughter (cousins daughter)! This has slipped out a few times when my mums been telling me about where they've been, and when I question it and say "oh so and so went as well did they", she'll reply "yes, but I didn't know they were coming as well" or "yes, but they gave us a lift in and we asked them to join us".

I'd love to go along as well, but never asked by DM, even though Auntie has made it clear she'd be quite happy for me to come too. I find it quite hurtful actually, why doesn't she want me to be involved?

OP posts:

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 02/12/2014 16:25

YANBU. Do you get on with your mum otherwise? Is it a good relationship?

Original poster

IceCreamAngel · 02/12/2014 16:27

Yes we get on fine. It's a good relationship, or at least I always thought it was.

I suppose I could just invite myself along, but I don't feel comfortable doing so.

OP posts:

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 02/12/2014 16:28

Don't know what to say op to make it seem better. I would be upset too. Could you ask her outright? Here have a hug and

Hairylegs47 · 02/12/2014 16:29

YANBU to feel hurt at all.
I don't know why she does it - my dm does a similar thing, the amount of 'family' parties and holidays we've been left out of is shocking.
You could always ask her why, see what she says? Maybes she doesn't realise how upsetting it is.

Number3cometome · 02/12/2014 16:29

Have you asked DM if you can go along?

Say that Auntie told you that she wants you to go and that she said DM said you were busy.

Say you are not busy this week and would love to go 'if she doesn't mind'

See how she reacts.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2014 16:30

Your DM might be really annoyed that DA asks her DC along and wants alone time with DA. Ask her.

ouryve · 02/12/2014 16:31

You could tell your auntie that your mum never invited you, but you would be delighted if she did.

Perhaps your mum prefers the meals out to be just her and her sister and others end up joining them at your aunt's instigation. It could be that the two of them have different expectations of the evening.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 02/12/2014 16:31

If you and your DM get on and your Aunt would love you to come along one time why is it uncomfortable to say to your mum 'I would love to come out for dinner with you and Aunty one Tuesday night, I'm free blah blah blah"

lynniep · 02/12/2014 16:32

From what you've said, it seems to me that your mum just wants to go out with her sister a couple of nights a month. Just the two of them. For a natter. Your auntie on the other hand thinks of their nights out in a different way, and wants to invite everyone.I can see why it would be hurtful. :(

Mammanat222 · 02/12/2014 16:35

I would also assume that your Mum likes to see her sister alone (I assume she isn't the ones asking her nieces / nephews but your aunt?)

Original poster

IceCreamAngel · 02/12/2014 16:38

DM doesn't seem particularly bothered that other family members tag along. One time when she mentioned that one of my cousins had gone with them, she added " she came and had something to eat with us because she was passing". Firstly she doesn't even live near the place they've been eating at, and secondly how the hell would she know they were even in there unless she'd been told beforehand?

OP posts:

mix56 · 02/12/2014 16:39

So do you love at home with your Mum ?, if so, I am guessing she wants some "me" time.

Original poster

IceCreamAngel · 02/12/2014 16:41

No I don't live at home with her. Which is what makes it all the more strange, it's not like we go out and eat together a lot either.

OP posts:

mix56 · 02/12/2014 16:42

Do you live at home with your Mum? I am guessing if so, she just want some time for herself .... I can see this may sound unkind. But if she sees you a lot, she may just want to do something alone

silverfingersandtoes · 02/12/2014 16:42

Me too. I would think your mum just fancies an evening out now and then when she can relax, let her hair down with her sister and be able to chat without worrying what her dd might be earwigging!

Original poster

IceCreamAngel · 02/12/2014 16:50

I suppose the different expectations thing is a possibility, although my DM never seems especially bothered when my cousins tag along.

OP posts:

Castlemilk · 02/12/2014 16:51

I actually think this is fair enough.

For whatever reason, your Mum thinks that you coming along would change the dynamic for her, and she doesn't want that. She probably enjoys the alone time with her sister, and probably also enjoys seeing people she doesn't often see when others come along. What she doesn't want is you joining in, it getting to be an every week thing and suddenly her 'thing' away from her immediate family is gone. I don't think that's horrid. I also don't think for a moment that it reflects on her relationship with you.

Imagine it yourself. I'm sure you have close friends who you love, but wouldn't necessarily want to include in everything - it's nice to do stuff with specifically different groups and dynamics sometimes. That goes double if it's your own grown-up child I imagine.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/12/2014 16:51

I agree with previous posters, sounds like your mum enjoys spending time with her sister once or twice a month catching up with someone her own age. If other nieces etc occasionally and un-expectantly come along she can hear their news too (but would probably prefer if they didn't).

My dm has rarely went out in the last 10-20 years, and if she did it was always with dad or her dc only. It can be a lot of pressure, especially since dad recently passed away, be glad she has her own social life/network that extends beyond her dh/dc. I wouldn't gate crash their arrangement, if you want to spend time with your mum and/or auntie can you arrange your own night out instead?

Sister77 · 02/12/2014 16:57

Organise a Christmas family girls meal op.
You mum, aunt and cousins. May give you an indicator of how things are. Not on a Tuesday, another night.
Alternatively organise a meal and leave your dm out.
That'll learn her!

CockBollocks · 02/12/2014 16:59

I would thank your auntie and go along - she's invited you as far as I'm concerned.

Next time you talk to your mum just say "hey I saw auntie and she invited me to dinner, how great! I will see you Tuesday!"

I can see why your upset but I do think you are overthinking a little.

Original poster

IceCreamAngel · 02/12/2014 17:01

I should make clear that if it was just the two of them all of the time it wouldn't even enter my head to be expect to be included at all, it was the fact that an invitation was extended to me that I didn't even know about and other family members sometimes tag along as well.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 02/12/2014 17:15

It sounds as though your mum would prefer to just have a meal with her sister and her sister has other ideas and keeps inviting other folk along. Your mum maybe worries that if she invites you you'll decide to come every week and she'll never get time alone with her sister.
I'd leave your mum to her Tuesday evenings and maybe find something else to do on a Tuesday if you are bored.

Jackie0 · 02/12/2014 17:18

I agree with other posters.
I don't think your mum wants anyone there except her and her ds.

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