to think my mother should have been more sensitive?

[camra]

My sister is down on her luck at the moment having just split with her dh; money is very, very tight for her (no dcs) and she has managed to get herself a very part-time and low paid job but all the same it is doing wonders for her confidence (her ex was a big earner but emotionally abusive which crippled her self-esteem). During a three-way phone chat, my sister told us how tired she was after her work, when my mother announced that she was about to buy a 250 quid coat to add to her collection of a hundred other coats.

I felt really pissed off with my mum for telling my sister this when money is presently so tight for her and told her so. AIBU?

Yes. YABU.
Is your sister jealous?

It's not the coat; it's the fact that she went on about how much it cost.

So what? Your mum can buy what she likes. If the job is that part time how is she so tired?

Of course my mum can buy what she likes! It's I just feel she could have been a bit more sensitive, that is all.
She'd worked 10 hours straight.

I agree with you OP. Not very sensitive of your mum given the circumstances.

I think it's quite insensitive, and a bit braggy generally.

I'm pleased to hear that your sister is regaining confidence & has found a job, well done to her :)

Re your mum its a difficult one. If she was just being thoughtless or just so pleased with the coat that she was excited & wanted to share then that's understandable. That's different to making a point to your sis that if she had chosen the right man then she too would have £250 spare for a coat right now. (I still have an elderly relative who tuts about me marrying the wrong man, yeah, because I could see 13 years ago that he was going to turn into a drug addicted alcoholic when I married him!)

It depends on your mum's motives for me.

Hmmm, why is she so tired? Let me think. She's just split from her abusive husband and might just be a little emotionally exhausted and has just done a ten hour shift. Yes, the mother can buy what she likes, but a little bit of tact and thought would not go amiss!

Actually I think your Mum was rude and thoughtless, last thing you need after along days work when you are struggling to make ends meet is someone wittering on about how much they've spent on a coat. It is her business what she spends her money on, but she doesn't need to bang on about it.

If my DD was down on her luck, I'd make damn sure I helped her and I'd be giving her the £250 rather than buying myself a coat when I already had loads.

Good luck to your sister, and well done her for getting herself a job - having been in an abusive relationship I know that anything that makes you feel worthwhile and independent is the best thing for recovery. Keep being a lovely supportive sister , it will mean the world to her

I think your mum was possibly rude turning the conversation around to herself and choosing to talk about something that could come across as insensitive. Is it possible though that she was trying to change the direction of conversation to lighten it up so your sister doesn't just focus on the negative stuff going on? Perhaps not the best way to do it though if it is the case.

Thanks all. Just gave her a bit of a telling off for it and wondered if I should have done so or perhaps if I was being OTT about it. Thanks again.

On the fence on this one.

Yes, it would be lovely if your mum had the sensitivity not to rub your sister's face in it but equally- if you are a poor adult with richer relatives there's absolutely no point in mithering over their spending habits. It doesn't do anything but make you miserable. And still poor.

OP, are you saying that your sister spent the last few years married to a rich man and not having to work (nor raise children), that she's now tired because she's just started a part-time job and that -consequently - your mum isn't allowed to talk about her day/purchases?

Sorry, but I think you're BU.

As a mum of Adult children and Nieces, I think she was insensitive.

I have a Niece who I buy a weekly bus pass for, otherwise she wouldn't even be able to access free stuff for her children etc.

We don't mention the beauty treatments we spend our money on, in front of her.

My middle DD is due to have a baby and is limiting what she shares with her less financially well off pregnant peers, they also have a lot of family help.

Of course you think before you speak around struggling (for whatever reason) family and friends.

How did your mom react when you spoke to her about it? I think she was a bit thoughtess FWIW

But hey, well done to your sister! She should be proud of herself!

You a reading a lot into the OP's post Babycham. Your lack of empathy is quite stunning (are you OP's Mum????).

Emotional abusers often stop you working, they want you to feel financially dependent on them because it gives them complete control over you - they will do anything to stop you going into the world where you might hear a different version of yourself from the one they are telling you every day. - they tell you you are useless, no one would employ you, you haven't any skills, you are stupid.
It is easy to say from the outside that you should ignore and get on with what you want to do, but when you are living with that it can cripple you and you see no way out.

It is only when you manage to break away that you can start to take the forst steps to rebuilding your self esteem - and that is what OP's sister is doing - very brave and much harder than it might appear if you havenever been through it.

""But hey, well done to your sister! She should be proud of herself!""

And that's what your Mums focus should be. So you were right to remind her that your Sister is still recovering and in the rebuilding stage of her life.

I would be happy that my DD was out of such a relationship, whilst there was still enough of a fight left in her, to pick herself up so quickly.

Yes of course your mum was thoughtless, just as if a friend would have been if she had said it. What a pity she's like this. If she does it again I'd give her a nudge and whisper, 'Show a bit of tact Mum, sister's skint.'

Maybe your mother can buy some tact.

One thing to mention the coat, another to mention the cost.

Yes, your mum should be more sensitive. your sister sounds amazing for being able to do what she is doing.

I think you were right to pull your mum up on it. You are family - you can (and should) say things you might not say to someone else.

Glad your sister is out of that situation OP, yes I think your mum was being insensitive (hopefully unintentionally) and you were reasonable to pull her up on this.

It is a little thoughtless considering that's probably more than a weekly paycheck for your sister.

Could she have been excited about saving up for a coat? Or does she really have that much fun money all the time to spend on whatever?

Well I do think your mum was a bit insensitive to her daughters predicament. It's just something I would never do, I wouldn't dream of bragging about the price of a coat to someone who's in a financial mess.
Personally I'd have got more joy out of treating daughter to a sum of money and buying a cheaper coat.