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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand and be really embarrassed by this.

22 replies

3boys40 · 21/11/2014 23:51

So dh has been a far from perfect dad/husband recently. He has basically been providing the money by money by working hard but has been less than supportive of me. I am almost a sahm with 3 dc. 1 with some sen and a toddler. He can get short temmpered with dc and is prone to getting cross with them.
Well one of my relatives is staying tonight as she is babysitting for us. So this eve he has shouted at dc2 and dc3 whilst my relative is in the house. Strangely I feel mortified She has also commented that he makes little effort to talk to her which is true.
Aibu to be upset andthink that he has some issues himself with relating to people.

OP posts:
Original poster
3boys40 · 21/11/2014 23:53

apologies for typing. I guess I a also cross as I was working today which involved some prep last night but he still didn'tstep up to help with dc.

OP posts:
BaffledSomeMore · 22/11/2014 00:05

Is this he has trouble relating to people? Or is it he sees the domestic sphere as your business and you are failing?
If it's the latter then he needs to rethink.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/11/2014 00:08

Is it possible he might have been worried an outsider (even if a family member) might judge his parenting and was snappier with the DCs than he meant to be? He might just not be very good at small talk if he doesn't know her very well.

If you are feeling unsupported and under-appreciated by him lately I can see you'd feel annoyed by this.

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2014 00:10

It's not always a problem to have issues with relating to other people, but it is a problem if he's taking out his anger on your small children and being a lazy fuck leaving everything to you.

Do you ever pick him up when he's shitty with your DC? Does he know any techniques other than shouting at them to manipulate them into doing what he asks (although that's pretty unlikely with a toddler). Would he listen to anyone telling him there are?

Is your relative saying those things because they're worried about you, judging you or just shit stirring do you think? (or something else?).

You say he's become like this recently, is there anything that triggered this that you can think of? Something stressing him out more than normal?

FelixTitling · 22/11/2014 00:11

Could there be problems at work?

BackforGood · 22/11/2014 00:19

If it's a recent change, then I'd be trying to talk to him about what is worrying him and how you can work through things.
If he's always been like that, then that's different, and presumably you knew that before having dc with him.

Original poster
3boys40 · 22/11/2014 00:26

The main change has been the birth of our unplanned ds3. I think with 2 school aged dc I was able to keep things on an even keel domestically. With the third in the mix I feel it is falling apart as (d)h seems to be adopting the attiitude that most of the hard slog with ds3 is down to me. I once commented that I was always running around after ds3 and his response was well you never had an abortion! It was dhs decision to get this relative to babysit as our usual babysittermil is poorly.
I think I have always felt that he gets on ok with some of my relatives but has never made an effort with those he has little in common with.
Yet I put up with sil telling me how lucky I was not to have an embarrassing mum the 1st xmas after my mum died. Disclaimer she is normally lovely.

OP posts:
FelixTitling · 22/11/2014 00:30

his response was well you never had an abortion!

That's a terrible thing to say.

It sounds like there's a lot going on for you both. Would he agree to counselling?

Original poster
3boys40 · 22/11/2014 00:30

work has become more stressful lately tbf. However he has always been abit short fused but not to the recent level. He also used to pull his weight more with dc. with a 2 year old and a nb he would deal with 2 year old when he woke. More recently it has been down to me. I was even up in the night cleaning ds1 matress and soothing him whilst pregnant with ds3.

OP posts:
Original poster
3boys40 · 22/11/2014 00:34

I know felix. I was so shocked he said it especially with our dc present. I guess we really needd some time alone to discuss these issues.

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AgentZigzag · 22/11/2014 00:36

'his response was well you never had an abortion!'

Wow, how did you react to that? Were you able to make him understand how saying something like that can cut to the bone? It's such an unnecessary thing to say, and very hurtful that he's even thought it let alone use it against you.

Your DS3 is there regardless, you don't want it to get to the point where he notices that his dad resents his existence.

Is it because your DH is being asked to do more since DS3 was born that he's getting stressed about? Could you just get him to focus on DS1 and 2 to leave you free to sort everything else the little one? If you do it without saying anything he might not even notice Grin

What is it that makes you feel as though things are falling apart?

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2014 00:38

'he said it especially with our dc present.'

Fucking hell, I'd be fuming that he'd put that in their heads (if they're old enough to understand what he meant, but an attitude like that is bound to seep out in other ways)

Original poster
3boys40 · 22/11/2014 00:43

Tbh I have never really dealt with this as it was said in front of ds1 and ds2. I guess I just carparked it with a view of dealing with it later. Generally I do everythinf for all dc unless out which is quite rare. He has got better with ds3 but I still feel he expeccts me to do it all. eg last night I went to the gym. I came home to find dh in bed but still awake and ds3 still in day clothes. I challenged him and he said that ds3 was waiting for me. wtf. He still could have got him ready for bed.

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AgentZigzag · 22/11/2014 00:53

How did it pan out when you found out you were pregnant with DS3? How involved was he with the decision to keep him?

I'm not saying that excuses his shitty remark in any way because DS3 is here now and deserves to be treated with love and care by him, but he sounds as though he feels he was railroaded into having him.

AgentZigzag · 22/11/2014 00:55

Not railroaded, that's the wrong word, maybe that he felt he had no choice in having him and can't shake that feeling off or bond with the little lad.

Original poster
3boys40 · 22/11/2014 01:05

I was quite apprehensive telling him I was pregnant but he was supportive. Althouth thinking back I had some bleeding at 8 weeks or so. I went for a scan and all was fine. I was still feeling a little apprehensive when we attended out 12 week scan. On the way there I saidt that I hoped all was ok (as I now felt baby was a blessing) and he basically said he didn't care either way. At the time It seemed a little off but now I guess ir makes more sense. I had previously mjscarried round about 10 week mark. (missed miscarriage)

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AgentZigzag · 22/11/2014 01:13

Do you think he'd talk to you honestly and calmly about how he feels/felt? He does seem to be trying to tell you but is making a total hash of it, he might not have realised how much it's affecting him or feel relieved because he can openly say the unsayable to you. It might be a more common feeling than you think if you give it a google, mums as well as dads.

Bottom line is that he didn't resolve it at the time (maybe because he thought how he felt would change) and you have to find a way to move on with your beautiful DS in the world. Does he spend much time with him on his own?

Original poster
3boys40 · 22/11/2014 01:44

Tbf I guess I avoid the subject too. in the 1st 8 months or so he quite frankly had nothing to do with ds3. He went though a stage of waking maybe 12 till 2 and dh would either sleep in ds room or send us there. It is better now but I still find that he is lazy when looking after ds. I go out andbreturn to find ds as I lefft himl

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Bulbasaur · 22/11/2014 03:09

Being unable to relate to people and being a dick are not mutually exclusive. He can be a dick and lack the empathy to behave otherwise.

Frankly it doesn't matter why he's acting the way he is. It's borderline abusive and unacceptable. Full stop.

If he has issues, he needs to go sort them without taking it out on you or the children.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/11/2014 09:43

I once commented that I was always running around after ds3 and his response was well you never had an abortion!

in the 1st 8 months or so he quite frankly had nothing to do with ds3.

That is shocking. Some day I hope he feels very guilty about saying that. People take time to process things in the early stages of pregnancy, true, but to say it after DS3 has been born and is thriving, that is sad.

TwinkleDust · 22/11/2014 09:55

He just doesn't want to be a dad really, I think. Unfortunately, it's a bit late in the day. If he would agree to counselling it is possible that you could pull back from the brink as a family. Where will you draw the line though? Personally, I think it has already been long crossed.

His comment about an abortion was downright cruel. Can you imagine how he will be relating to the children in 2 years, 5 years, as teenagers..? Everytime DS3 is challenging (aka a normal child) how will you feel when 'DH' explodes or makes emotionally abusive comments? More to the point, can you see the effect that will have on all your children?

I think you'd be better making plans for a family life without him. He doesn't want a family and you and your children deserve far better than this.

Purplepoodle · 22/11/2014 11:38

Sounds like he isn't coping having ds3 and hasn't come to terms. He seriously needs some counselling as he sounds very detached from ds3 and hasn't bonded at all. Having said that our dc3 was planned and was a huge bomb in our relationship as changed everything

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