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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alcoholic sister and christmas

19 replies

saltnpepa · 17/11/2014 13:50

It's that time of year again! In previous years my alcoholic sister has gone to other relatives or spent it on her own. This year I'm hosting it with a few family members not all and in an ideal world would love to have her here but the reality I'm sure will be something different. I want to invite her but say that it's a 2 glasses of wine sort of day and if she thinks she'll get pissed then it would be better off if we leave it. She will take offence at this because she's in denial that she's an alcoholic and will say what sort of xmas is it if you can't have a few drinks, which I agree with in principle but she can't stop once she starts and she's so boring and aggressive when drunk and I don't want everyone else upset including kids. She also suffers with anxiety which I really feel for her with but she sits with her fingers in her ears when the kids make noise and has to keep going in and out to smoke fags which absolutely stinks the house out. What would be better? Ask her outright to keep her drinking to a minimum (will cause major argument) or just not mention it and not invite her.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 17/11/2014 13:53

won't she find out that you had other people round and didn't invite her? Wouldn't that cause a major argument too?

Do you think that if you said look sis, I love you, but you have a problem and when you drink, you do x, y, z (and actually give examples) and I cannot have you ruining my children's christmas, that that would give her some sort of motivation to actually look at herself?

championnibbler · 17/11/2014 13:56

YANBU.
I would not invite someone who ruins my kids xmas.
she sounds very selfish.

mommy2ash · 17/11/2014 13:58

just tell her she isn't invited and why. she will drink either way but it's not your fault. I've spent years tip toeing around family members alcoholism but not any more. No need to be nasty but honest sorry sis i would love to have you for Christmas but I have to put my children first and im afraid your behaviour once you start drinking and refuse to stop will upset them.

SparkyLark · 17/11/2014 13:58

what championnibbler said.

NorwaySpruce · 17/11/2014 13:58

I don't think you will be able to limit her drinking, she'll just drink in secret.

If she does then end up drunk, will you be able to bring yourself to put her out of your house on Christmas day?

I'd probably just not invite her, or be prepared for the fact that she will drink.

Unless you think she'd secretly welcome a sober Christmas, in which case you could invite her on the understanding that there will be no alcohol in the house at all (which may not go down well with other guests).

Original poster
saltnpepa · 17/11/2014 14:11

The alcohol is only one part of it, the freaking out at loud noises is another problem and almost as bad. I really feel for her because I think she does have proper anxiety and that's probably what the drinking is too. I don't think she would agree to the 2 drinks rule or take it as a chance to look at her drinking, as far as she's concerned she's not an alcoholic. So exhausting! Oh and yes she is selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
saltnpepa · 17/11/2014 16:40

She has heard through another relative that I'm hosting so now I have to deal with it, but how? WWYD?

OP posts:
Cauliflowersneeze1 · 17/11/2014 16:47

Silly question but can you make it an alcohol free Christmas ?

I realise that May not be fair though

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 17/11/2014 16:48

If it doesn't bother you that much I'd make it a sober Christmas and put all the drinks away and not tell her until she gets there. Or do the same but have one bottle of wine for lunch and nothing else out.

WeirdCatLady · 17/11/2014 16:50

I think vital said it perfectly. Time to put on your big girl panties and tell her the truth.

stinkingbishop · 17/11/2014 16:52

You can't control her drinking. Making it a sober Christmas will just cause aggro and lead to her tearing the house apart trying to find some. And she'll probably have a bottle in her bag. I should know, because it used to be me. Ridiculously unfair on you, I know, but 'tis the truth.

I would tell her, in a compassionate way, that she's not coming. It may be one of the series of gut-punches she needs.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 17/11/2014 20:59

If she is an alcoholic she won't be able to stick to just 2 drinks. As a previous poster said she will bring some with her. She will make you feel guilty but for your sanity but you will have to tell her very nicely that she is not welcome.

ilovesooty · 17/11/2014 21:08

While she's in denial about her drink problem I wouldn't invite her, and I'd tell her why.

MaryWestmacott · 17/11/2014 21:13

I think you should talk to her about her drinking and her inablity to cope with the DCs noise. (Plus I would insist no matter what that your house is non-smoking, everyone can go outside).

If you can't do that, then just not invite her.

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/11/2014 21:13

I agree with bishop and sooty.

Mrsmorton · 17/11/2014 21:22

Full sympathies OP, my mum is an alcoholic and I sway between:
1 liking her and wanting to spend time her.
2 wanting her to get drunk and fall asleep so she's not so vile
3 wanting to lock her in one of the outbuildings (farm)
4 hoping that she will choke to death on her own vomit

that's how much she has ruined and continues to ruin my life. My dad on the other hand is fucking awesome and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't see that bitch ever again.

As pps have said, you can try talking to her, if she is in denial though as my mother is, it will have no impact at all.

I'm not sure how young DCs would see it from their innocent viewpoint, tbh, knowing the continuing (I'm 33) effect it has on me from when she first started, I wouldn't want her to perform in front of children.

Uninvite, she'll think you're a cunt anyway if you don't feed her alcohol so you might as well have her think you a cunt and not have to deal with it whilst sh ruins your Christmas.

just spent the weekend with my mother and slightly raw sorry for hijack

whois · 17/11/2014 21:35

Tell her she's not invited because she's aggressive when she drinks, she can't cope with your children's noise, and she stinks the house out with fags.

Petradreaming · 17/11/2014 21:41

Unfortunately the ilness she has will not be controlled through reason or begging. If she is an alcoholic then she will drink. To excess. Either openly or in secret. Tell her she isnt invited. Prepare for her going yampy. Protect your kids.as a child I watched an alcoholic destroy a family. Dont allow this to happen to yours.

kissmethere · 17/11/2014 22:08

Yanbu, I agree with what mommy2ash Said. I have a brother with the same problems. It's caused alot of hurt in the family this year. We've had to be upfront with him now. And especially around the kids.
She'll drink where ever she is.

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