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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this make me a bad mother.

14 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 14/11/2014 23:04

i want and need the bluntness of AIBU

I enjoy spending time with dd more than ds.

Ds is ASD and with him it's difficult, due to the asd he is in his own world. I love him and do enjoy the sniped of time he wants to spend time me. I wish it was more often than once a month.

Dd on the other hand is everything I dreamt of being a mum is all about. She wants to do everything with me. We have so much fun while ds is in his own world ( always offered if he want to join in)

OP posts:
leekandpotato · 14/11/2014 23:10

you are not a bad mother. Even if your ASD child only needs or can express the need for you in small window of time or engagement with you , then you are there for that time.

Being a parent means embracing the requirements of the children you have in front of you, every day. its a hard job, done out of love.

Even if your child appears to be in their own world, they will be aware of far more than you realise.

ILiveOnABuildsite · 14/11/2014 23:11

I don't have any personal experience of this but I don't think it makes you a bad mother to feel like that. I think as long as you handle it well, ie. don't exclude ds or treat dd as a favourite which it doesn't sound as though you are from you post I think it's fine to enjoy your dd and the time she wants to spend with you. Just make sure you are available to ds when he does want to spend with you and you take advantage of those times. I don't think you should restrict the time you spend with dd because ds doesn't want\ask for as much of your time or that should try to force ds to spend more time with you because you feel guilty of spending more time with dd.

From your post I think you are doing the right thing and it's fine to feel how you feel, you just have to manage it sensitively.

Hth

triathlongirl · 14/11/2014 23:12

You sound completely human to me. x

MsVestibule · 14/11/2014 23:13

No, it just makes you human. It's difficult to want to spend time with somebody if they don't reciprocate, even if you know it's not their fault.

Just out of interest, how old are they?

Dye2014 · 14/11/2014 23:14

My children are both nt and my son does my head in. Dd is so much easier. Ds is self centred and Whiney.

There. That's bad mothering.

knackeredknitter · 14/11/2014 23:22

I have two on the spectrum. One who talks at me sometimes for the entire day, forcing me to watch youtube videos, and while I love him to pieces - he exhausts me. The other one is mostly in his own world, but when he lets me in I am overjoyed at that moment even though it is rare. My NT daughter never stops chatting, and always wants me to play something with her, lovely but can get tiring.
All I want is a bit of time to myself.
Tomorrow they are spending the day with their father, I can't wait.
Guess that makes me a bad mother

knackeredknitter · 14/11/2014 23:23

No you are definitely not being unreasonable :)

CountryMummy1 · 14/11/2014 23:35

I think we all have times when we see ourselves as a bad mother but then things change and we have something different to worry about. I didn't look at either of my children for hours after they were born. I couldn't believe they were mine. I wished their little lives away for the first hellish 6 months and if some random stranger had offered to take them off my hands I would have given them away.

Now I love them both dearly and hope that I am a good, doting mother. However my oldest has just started nursery and I leave her crying....back to feeling like a shit mother

Hugs Flowers

ChillySundays · 14/11/2014 23:38

You love them both and as long as you don't make one feel more loved than the other it isn't a problem. Depending on what mood mine are in will demote which I would rather be with that day.

Dye2014 · 15/11/2014 00:01

Oh yes to random stranger taking them.

That's not in bloody baby books!

DoJo · 15/11/2014 00:03

Trying to eject your son from his own little world and do everything with you to fulfil your dreams of being a mum would be bad parenting. Letting him know that you are there and ready to interact when he wants to is what he needs from you - that's an admirable way to parent your child.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/11/2014 00:03

No. It makes you a person with feelings.

YouTheCat · 15/11/2014 00:09

Are both your kids happy?

I bet they are. Your ds with autism would probably not like doing everything together.

And your dd obviously prefers doing things with you.

You aren't a bad mother. You are just responding to your children's differing needs.

grocklebox · 15/11/2014 00:40

You do what you can for each of your children, pertaining to what they both want and need.
What more can any of us do?

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