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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with SIL

30 replies

grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 11:41

So my SIL has asked my DW (her sister) to look after her 7 month old, for a few hours this Saturday afternoon, both of his nieces (8 & 10) have been looking forward to it all week as they love seeing him and playing with him. So yesterday she has something come up with work and now has to go down south a day early and that would mean he was here all day.

Except SIL has now decided that my DW despite having 2 children of her own wouldn't be able to cope with him all day without me there (me and BIL are out together for the day and I am the SAHD)

I am so pissed off with her for being so thoughtless and hurtful, my wife is upset and we haven't told the girls yet that there cousin won't be coming for the day tomorrow as we didn't want to send them to school upset

In case you are wondering who is looking after him now, there freeloading lodger who can't do this, can't do that as his health is bad and they are always moaning about still being in there house

AIBU to be really pissed off, feel really insulted on behalf of my DW and feel like telling SIL to fuck right off

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2014 11:50

It's up to her who looks after her child, it's not an insult, perhaps SIL is being considerate rather than rude.
Also, I don't think you can be insulted on behalf of someone else and it would be very unpleasant of you to tell your SIL to " fuck right off". ( charming)
So your children will be disappointed? Well it might be the first disappointment they have but it certainly won't be the last and they will probably be fine unless you make a huge deal out of it.
Total dramatic over reaction

LadyLuck10 · 14/11/2014 11:50

Firstly I think you need to tone down a lot, no need to tell SIL to F off.
If she's uncomfortable leaving her child then as unreasonable as it is you just have to deal with it.
At 8 and 10 your girls are old enough to not be totally devastated by the change in plans. If he was sick and couldn't come they would have to deal with it.

Yes your SIL is bu but you are being ott with this situation.

LoonvanBoon · 14/11/2014 11:51

You're not unreasonable to feel like telling SIL to fuck off, but you'd be very unreasonable indeed to do it.

Maybe you can help your DW come up with some form of words (calm but assertive) to let her sister know how she feels? Something along the lines of how she feels hurt that her sister doesn't trust her to look after DN for the day on her own, & doesn't think it's fair that Dsis has changed the arrangements at the last minute & caused disappointment.

Obviously she respects that Dsis must make the decisions about her own son's childcare, but it makes her feel that she's not valued / respected as a parent herself if she's viewed as good enough to do a few hours but not the full day.

If SIL regularly messes your DW about over arrangements, your DW may need to stop being available. Re. the lodger - I really don't think that's any of your business, TBH. And I'm assuming here that your nephew doesn't have any health issues / special needs meaning that it would actually be particularly challenging to have him for the whole day.

Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 11:55

The thing is if it was me looking after him she would have been fine with it

If I wasn't out for the day with BIL and was around she would be fine with it

She just has this habit of being completely thoughtless to other people's feelings

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 14/11/2014 11:58

Well maybe she has noticed things about her dsis parenting that she feels uncomfortable with. I think that's totally fair. I feel more comfortable with my SIL being there than if it's just bil only.

LittleBairn · 14/11/2014 12:04

Are you always so aggressive?

Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 12:08

Aggressive ? No not usually, generally very laid back

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 12:09

And feeling much better now I have had a rant

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2014 12:17

I usually arrange my childcare around what works for me and my children ( without taking the piss out of any family/friends) rather than other people's feelings.
Is your wife actually upset or just you?

Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 12:19

My wife is feeling really upset and hurt about it

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 12:30

Seems strange that she was fine with my DW looking after him for a few hours and perfectly happy with that (even though the lodger would have been an option then)
But as her situation has changed and it needs the full day why does my DW suddenly become any less capable

OP posts:
Calloh · 14/11/2014 12:33

Did your wife tell her sister not to worry and that she would definitely be able to cope?

If she did it must have been awkward. I can understand your wife might feel a bit snubbed and confused.

Maybe she should talk it through with your sister-in-law.

My children do usually settle better in their own home than someone else's. So maybe she thought that this would be the case?

Calloh · 14/11/2014 12:36

Also do you have all the stuff? Perhaps SIL didn't want to lug steriliser, bottle, high-chair, travel cot to your house?

Vitalstatistix · 14/11/2014 12:36

There must be a reason. Perhaps your wife could ask her sister to be more specific. Exactly what does she think the problem would be? What scenarios is she thinking of? In what way does she think she wouldn't cope and how would that manifest. What does she fear would happen to her child.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask someone who has made such a potentially offensive statement (basically you can't look after a child) to back it up.

DillyDallyDaydreamer · 14/11/2014 12:44

It's a shame they're disappointed and great your so keen to have nephew. But can't you just rearrange to have him another day ?

Also op said he feels like telling sil to fuck off not that he's actually going to, I feel like telling loads of people to fuck off doesn't mean I'm going to or I'm aggressive .

ReggieJones · 14/11/2014 12:45

Its her choice who looks after her child. I don't think you or your family can really be offended, I don't think shes done it to offend. Surely the girls can see their cousin another time?

Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 12:53

The girls see there cousin usually every couple of weeks and now he is rolling and smiling and laughing a lot more as he is getting older they enjoy it even more.

I am well aware as he is her child she can choose whoever she wants to look after him, just wish she would be a little more sensitive in how she does things, especially the arranging and then changing.

You are right I wouldn't actually tell her to fuck right off as I am the sensible one who always bites my tongue and keeps my mouth shut for the sake of family peace.

Anyway I am feeling better now I have had a rant and being told I am probably being unreasonable

OP posts:
DillyDallyDaydreamer · 14/11/2014 14:34

Glad you feel better. Enjoy your weekend

Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 14:38

Thank you, enjoy yours too Grin

OP posts:
BlueberryWafer · 14/11/2014 15:00

OP I would have been pissed off too and think your rant was justified. I don't think you were being aggressive fwiw, just venting which everyone needs to do every now and then.

Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 15:06

Thanks BlueberryWafer

Seems like a good place for a good vent, still not happy but over it enough to not be on the verge of a go and do one text

OP posts:
twizzleship · 14/11/2014 17:27

you have every right to feel the way you do op - and i don't for one second think you're being unreasonable or would actually tell her to fuck off - though your wife should. she's basically implying that your wife is not fit to look after children on her own, why - because she chose not to be the sahp?!!!

your wife needs to be the one having words with her sister and asking her what her problem is and telling her just how insensitive and rude she is being.

if i were you, i'd make sure to let sil know that you are having some well deserved 'me' time any time sil wants to drop her son off....that way she either talks about her issue with your wife looking after her son or she does it herself.

Original poster
grumpyoldgitagain · 14/11/2014 18:00

I suspect her sister guessed how it would look as she didn't even tell us herself

My wife found out last night from her mum

OP posts:
rookiemater · 14/11/2014 18:09

Unless there is a huge backstory, I think you are massively overreacting.

To me it sounds like SIL thought she was being helpful - she was happy for your DW to look after her baby for a few hours, but when it turned into a full day requirement and she knew that your DW would be on her own, she made other arrangements.

The only logical thing for your DW to do is ring her up, tell her your DDs are looking forward to seeing DS and she'd be very happy to have him for the full day.

zeezeek · 14/11/2014 18:09

I''ve had something similar happen, not with a member of my family, but a friend who was looking for someone to look after her 10 month old baby while she and her DH went to a wedding. I offered, but was deemed unsuitable as my DH is now a SAHD (only since earlier this year when he retired) and she thought that I'd find it difficult to cope with her DS on my own without him there.

I've got 2 DDs. I just found it funny, to be honest.