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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

contact with violent and abusive dad

22 replies

shabidam · 06/11/2014 23:46

this is my first time on here so I apologise for being long...

its been a couple of months since I seperated from him and havent spoken or seen him properly since. I've also kept our 18 month old daughter away because of the kind of person he is. just today i recieved papers from court saying he wants access to her. i have kept her away because he is a twisted manipulative aggressive abusive individual (and thats me being nice)
when he drinks he will drink well, he takes drugs, he has physically attacked me many times. he constantly accused me, didnt work or provide for me and our dd. instead he would take my money and spend on himself, steal my credit cards etc. he was just a vile person.

I feel in a gutted position as I subconsciously feel bad about keeping our dd away as she is not old enough to express her emotions.

a year ago I od'd on anti depressants because of how I was feeling and what he was putting me through and now he uses that to his advantage and plays games.

am I doing the right thing keeping her away?
how am I supposed to respond to this court letter I received?

OP posts:
motherofmonster · 06/11/2014 23:51

I think you will need to explain to the court about the violence, drink drugs ect and see if perhaps it cam be arranged at first at a contact centre. Then at least you know your daughter will be safe. You have minimal contact with exP yourself

26Point2Miles · 06/11/2014 23:56

You will need to see a solicitor. They can reply to court and request a section 7 welfare report. Cafcass can then be involved

Jolleigh · 07/11/2014 00:10

shabidam have you already been through mediation?

I'm in a similar situation myself (though my ex hasn't taken it to court and I do allow him to see DD supervised) so have been doing some reading up.

Are there any police records of his abuse?

werewolfinladderedtights · 07/11/2014 01:54

Where do you live? You need a family solicitor

Believe me I do know it's hard. I was you 20 years ago. You can fight this with the right support Shab.
Don't ffs panic. You can either re post this message on legal, or Pm me I will be happy to find a solicitor in your area who will see you for no charge for an hour.
He has no chance and you can stop him hurting your baby.

Italiangreyhound · 07/11/2014 02:22

You are totally NOT being being unreasonable to want to protect your child.

Whether she is old enough to express her wishes or not you are her mum and want to keep her safe.

I have no advice to add but others seem to know the situation better so please do seek help, take the good advice on here and do not feel guilty for protecting your daughter. If he gets any access and it can be through a contact centre she can hopefully be protected from him and maybe it will not even come to that.

All the very best.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/11/2014 04:56

My 18-month dgd hasn't seen her dad in over three months and he was nice to her, but there is absolutely no sign that she is missing him, so don't worry on that score.

But do get good legal advice, OP. You want to make sure that you and your dd are as safe as possible.

Hurr1cane · 07/11/2014 05:49

My DSs dad was abusive to me. We were very young when we had him, not that it's an excuse.

I was more concerned with DSs extended family that he would miss if I stopped contact. So what I did, was to say to his parents that they could have DS and his dad could have supervised access through them. This wasn't done through the courts but they knew that I would have stopped DS going if he was left alone with his dad.

Eventually and very slowly his dad started collecting DS, sometimes he would have him alone for short periods.

Then it turned out that his dad had some undiagnosed conditions which caused his violent outbursts and he received help and medication.

Now DSs dad has his own access separate to his parents access (they still wanted their own access because they are so close to him) and me and his dad are very good friends, he has turned his life around completely.

The difference was that he was never ever violent to DS, if he had been then the access wouldn't have happened.

That was just my experience though, you know the man, you know what is safe for your DD, so only you can decide what is best to do.

Original poster
shabidam · 07/11/2014 10:32

thanks for all your replies Smile
he was never abusive to her but he did used to shout and hit me infront of her then get even more angry because she would get scared and cry.

i'm only young myself...just hitting mid 20's and we were together 5 years before.
I didnt realise it over the years but now that I've been away from him I'm starting to realise just how much control he had over me.

OP posts:
Original poster
shabidam · 07/11/2014 10:40

there have been a couple of incidents I have had to call police and social services have been involved before.

OP posts:
HedgehogsDontBite · 07/11/2014 10:50

I was in a similar situation a long time ago. I did everything through a solicitor and had no contact with him at all. I said he could have supervised contact at a contact centre so I knew DD would be safe. He turned up a couple of times and then dropped the case because he was only pursuing it to try to engage me and he saw it wasn't going to work. He hasn't seen DD now for 20 years.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/11/2014 11:09

You could also contact Womens Aid.
They can help point you in the right direction for legal advice.
If you go via them and you have reported him and had police involvement as well as SS, you could be entitled to legal aid.
So go that route if you can.

Well done for you and your DD on getting away.
He's just lost control and is trying to get some back.

Contact via a contact centre only. He'll lose interest in no time when he's not having the effect on you he wants.

curlyweasel · 07/11/2014 11:18

Agree - go to see a solicitor (and get in contact with werewolf who seems willing to help you directly on this in terms of accessing one).

You are thinking exactly the right way. You are protecting your DD, but you also need to protect yourself. It could be he is using the process as a way of getting to you, rather wanting contact with your DD.

Has he been pestering you since you split, or is this the first contact?

Original poster
shabidam · 07/11/2014 23:44

he was pestering me up until a few weeks ago when he settled down a bit but now I'm thinking its because he had taken this route....?
he is a complete jekyll & hyde and switches at any moment. sometimes I do think its a medical issue his got but thats another reason I dont want dd around him. who knows when he will switch on her.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 07/11/2014 23:55

My DS's Dad was abusive.

Yes do get legal advise. My Ex was never interested in DS it was a way to get to me. He refused to contact centre after a while as he didn't like the stigma.

You should be entitled to legal aid. I would ignore any contact from him and communicate through sols at this point

Coyoacan · 08/11/2014 00:18

Wouldn't it be nice if it were a medical condition, OP. My ex-SIL would be violent to my dd in what I thought was a blind rage, I even googled it, as he was otherwise quite acceptable. But the last time this happened my dd managed to get on the phone to her uncle, passed the phone to her exP and whatever the uncle said, exSIL calmed right down. So there was nothing blind about his rage, just the opportunity to bully someone weaker than himself.

Glad you reported his violence to the police and ss, OP. That will give you a stronger position altogether and, from what I read here, entitle you to legal aid.

Sj85 · 08/11/2014 17:51

You are entitled to legal aid my lovely.
Don't feel bad about not allowing her to have access you have welfare concerns - a child should not see one parent being assaulted physically or mentally. It is damaging for them. With the info you have given seems your doing the right thing.
He'll probably get supervised access at a contact center. Like the other lady said it may fizzle out when he realizes he can't get access to you. Fingers crossed. Don't contact him or respond in any way unless it's through a solicitor - keep copies of every communication he sends you. Don't answer the phone to him etc.

Castlemilk · 08/11/2014 18:35

Get back in touch with SS and a solicitor, Women's Aid - and make a reply. It should request drug testing - maybe that alone will be enough to get him to fuck off - and detail your abuse in front of your DD and his aggression when she reacted. Request contact in a contact centre, supervised

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2014 18:49

Such good advice on here. Sorry I have nothing further to add but good luck Flowers

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/11/2014 18:55

he was never abusive to her but he did used to shout and hit me infront of her then get even more angry because she would get scared and cry

Sorry to break this to you, but he was abusive to her.making a child witness domestic violence is child abuse.

Coyoacan · 08/11/2014 22:39

My dgd witnessed dv when she was two months old and she was upset for a couple of weeks. Fortunately my dd got rid of the knob

Original poster
shabidam · 13/11/2014 15:36

Thanks for all your help and support. its nice to know that I'm not alone and there's people who are willing to help and offer advice.

OP posts:
curlyweasel · 13/11/2014 16:47

Hi Shab. How's it going? Did you get some legal advice? x

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