to think dh should make sure kids get ready/have breakfast etc?

[Romann]

DCs are 12, 9 and 8. I had to go out yesterday at 7.45am and wasn't sure when I'd be back. DH was taking ds1 to a sports comp at 10.45 (about 5 mins from our home). I got home earlier than expected - at 10.40. They hadn't left yet, and weren't in the throes of leaving iyswim and dcs were dressed but hadn't had breakfast. We all went - ds1 was 10 mins late but it didn't matter and I made them quick sandwiches to eat in the car, so no harm done.

But my aibu question is: DH said DS1 should have checked the time himself, and got his own breakfast. At 12 he shouldn't need chivvying or help. So it was all DCs' fault they weren't ready. But I was a bit cross with DH for just staying in bed emailing for 3 hours rather than making sure DCs were ready (and the other two aren't 12). AIBU? It's a genuine question actually as maybe I should get the kids to be more autonomous, I'm not sure. They obviously can get their own cornflakes, or ask for help if they need it, but how organised should they be about their time?

They should be able to get their own cereal, at least, at that age. The 12 year-old could have helped the two younger ones.

However, Your DH should is not absolved from parenting duties. He should have supervised the children getting their own breakfast while emailing and making sure that DS1 was ready by telling him he needs to gather his stuff. Sometimes time just gets away from them and they forget. A gentle reminder is all that is needed.

Yes perhaps your dc could be a bit more independent.

But he stayed in bed, for 3 hours? When he was "on shift" and he knew that they had to get out and about? I think your dh is suffering from lazyitis. So no YANBU.

YANBU, but I know my DH would need a detailed list of instructions, including what they have for breakfast etc. I do all that, but then I never have to be out at that time in the morning.

Your DH is a lazy arse. Yes, your 12 year old could have got breakfast and they didn't need much supervision, but they needed some and as the adult in charge that was up to him.

That's a nice get out claus isn't it blame the 12 yr old. He's responsible for himself not getting all three of them dressed and fed while daddy stays in bed.

Your dh is a lazy arse

I also think he was being lazy. He's not actually lazy per se - he was for sure doing something to do with his work, not playing fruit ninja or whatever. But he is irresponsible about domestic obligations.

I also do a lot for the kids bathsheba so it's not their habit to get their own breakfast. I usually make them pancakes on sundays for example. They can get the cereal themselves but need reminding, or they just while the time away playing basketball in the garden until they're told to do something else.

I would expect a 12 year old to manage to get themselves up, fed, dressed and on time to a sporting event 5 minutes from their home.

Was it always the plan that everyone was going?

They can all feed themselves! Toast, cereal, porridge, tea, all doable by 8 years old. Mine were expected to do it every weekend. The 12 year old more than capable of managing time - they're in secondary school, ffs.

Your husband was unreasonable in staying in bed and not at least checking they were up and moving.

You are unreasonable in letting children of that age be so dependent. Teach them some self sufficiency skills.

I think he could have at least told them to get their breakfast and reminded them when they had to leave, but they didn't necessarily need supervising. Maybe a "we're leaving in 15 minutes" type warning.

My DC are 8 and 10 and we leave to go to swimming lessons at 10am on a Sunday. Beyond telling them that we will be leaving at 10am, and then saying "do you realise we are leaving in 15 minutes ...?" in a voice of doom if no effort to get ready seems to be being made, I leave them to themselves. Actually I probably mostly stay in bed and MN, so I am on your DH's side, though I would have made sure that they were all ready to leave on time.

It's fine to hand responsibility to a 12 YO for getting dressed, eating breakfast and even helping his siblings. However you can just expect them to assume that responsibility by default.

If you are going to leave a child to organise himself and his siblings you need to communicate with him and let his siblings know that you are delegating that authority to him. The first time you do it, you should also probably talk through timings with him so he has a good idea of what needs to be done and when. As parents, we learn those skills over years, starting with one child. A 12 YO suddenly put in charge will need some guidance at the beginning.

To just lie in bed and leave them to it without communication, then blame them for not getting themselves ready is unfair, unreasonable and very lazy parenting.

I only actually meant that he should have made sure they had breakfast and got ready, not that he had to do everything for them, or supervise them. As I've said, they can get their own cornflakes. They also get dressed by themselves (which they did).

Everything the event was 5 minutes away by car so the other kids had to go if dh was going to be out driving him. Actually they wanted to watch him compete anyway and so did I so I was glad I was home.

I make them pancakes usually because I like doing it and we all like pancakes. Sometimes ds1 makes them but I don't let him cook unsupervised so he wouldn't start doing that if I was out.

• However, you can't ....

Goldmandra I think we are on the same page!

I would expect that your DS1 should be able to have done these things for himself, BUT your DH should also have kept an eye on him and the time, and if he wasn't doing it, your DH should have acted like a PARENT and stepped in. He didn't and so he should share the blame with your DS1 for the situation.

He is fucking lazy.

The 12 year old going to his own sporting comp 5 mins from hom shouldn't've needed any parental input unless the equipment meant he needed help getting it ready.

At 10 years old my mother was out several hours before I had to leave. I had to set myself an alarm, get dressed, make myself breakfast and leave on time for a 20 minute walk to the school bus. It is possible.
I don't think it's fair to just expect them from one day to the other to "get it", but I think you'd help them in the long rub to give them more responsibilities.

I don't think a 12 year old should HAVE to pick up the slack created by their lazy, thoughtless father.

Also it doesn't matter if anyone on here thinks they should be more independent at that age that's an opinion only and there are other factors here. I'd feel like an arse if I expected my 12 year old to do all the admin for themselves and their siblings while a grown adult, their parent lolled around in bed.

fred at 12 he's still not very good at driving the car......

YANBU. As you've said, it wasn't that you expected your DH do it FOR them, you expected he'd at least prompt them from time to time "leaving in 10, hope you've eaten!" or some such thing.

He's being lazy, as you know, but it might be a good idea to learn from experience and prepare the kids in advance for his uselessness next time!

Here's an interesting article I read recently called "The Default Parent": mblazoned.com/1/post/2014/09/the-default-parent.html

I would expect the 12 year old to be able to make pancakes unsupervised, even the 8 year old if it was a sensible one. I think you need to make the children do things themselves.

Gosh, I have an incredibly sensible 9 year old, and I certainly wouldn't want her making pancakes without adult supervision.

Then again, my very self-sufficient father set his house on fire by cooking for himself at the age of 8, so perhaps that colours my perceptions a little!

I wouldn't let them cook when there are no adults in the vicinity needabum , but that's partly because they still wind each other up and fight sometimes. My 12yo would be quite reliable without the wilder younger ones around.

sykadelic that is ME! I work FT and travel a lot and I do absolutely pin up spreadsheets in the kitchen before I go!! Not to mention buying and wrapping the presents. Yes, of course I know where the wrapping paper is and what kind it is. I am on excellent terms with the school receptionist and I know when every activity starts and ends. I know how many skills they need to learn for their next martial arts belts, and what the school play rehearsal schedule is. I have a special app for meal planning. DH has not the faintest idea about any of this, but makes time to take them to the dentist on request from me. That blog's actually pretty funny and I will send to dh immediately.

I must add that, like the writer, I don't really mind being the default parent - someone has to keep tabs on things - provided DH ^notices^ and expresses appreciation. (And DH is the default spider killer, which is very important as we live in Australia and the spiders are either as large as side plates (honestly, the ones in the bath are bigger than the span of my hand) or have potentially fatal bites, or possibly both! He does also handle haircuts and toenail clipping).

Actually he's great and I'm delighted to be married to him despite the arsing around on Sunday morning, I just really wanted to get an idea of how autonomous kids are expected to be. These threads are v helpful, so thanks very much to all!

He is being unreasonable. My children are capable of getting up and feeding themselves but one of us would be around, prodding & reminding them. He's being lazy and lost track of the time otherwise a small voice inside him would have wondered how they were getting on.

My husband and me are both guilty of getting caught up in work emails at weekends but we both would have expected to it in some parental input.