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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some people are harsh on adolescent DCs

35 replies

shareacokewithnoone · 28/08/2014 22:39

I have no teenagers so I'll hold my hands up if i am BU :)

As a teenager and young twenty something I was a pain in the arse. I honestly, hand on heart didn't mean to be. With most people I was quite nice but to my poor parents I was messy, lazy, inconsiderate, demanding and spoilt.

I did grow out of it. I don't doubt I made them want to shake me but I do feel sad when I read posts on here and it sounds like people don't even like their own children any more.

You don't magically become an adult at 18.

Aibu? probably

OP posts:

Annunziata · 28/08/2014 22:43

A lot of people are at the end of their tether and they probably don't like their DC very much.

You don't become an adult magically, but that doesn't mean that at 14, 15, 16, 17 you don't know right from wrong. It also doesn't mean that you speak to your parents like dirt and it certainly doesn't mean you can do whatever the hell you want and not expect consequences.

Marmiteandjamislush · 28/08/2014 22:44

Thread about a thread much?

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2014 22:44

^^ that

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2014 22:45

Oh what Annustazia said

Original poster

shareacokewithnoone · 28/08/2014 22:52

The problem is that if I tacked this onto another one of the threads (plural - more than one) - it wouldn't be helpful or relevant to the posters problem or problems.

Mine died when I was still a teenager, I just hate feeling that they might have died hating me. Maybe they did.

OP posts:

ThisBitchIsResting · 28/08/2014 22:53

I think you have to remember people sound off on here, rant and rave on here and can say things they never would dream of saying in real life. Sometimes I could scream that I hate being a mother, I'd never do it irl but probably would on here if I really needed to let rip.

NatJon · 28/08/2014 22:58

share that is my fear, that my mother died hating me. I was 18 and a pain in the ass. I'm older now and can look back and see that I was a shit. Couldn't see it at the time.

Makes me feel very tearful thinking about it :(

Annunziata · 28/08/2014 22:58

They won't have. Promise. If they hadn't have loved you, they couldn't get mad or hate you, they just wouldn't have cared.

No matter how drunk your teenager gets, how many times they reappear the next day when they went out at 7pm, how many times they scrape their car off a wall, how many broken bones they can't tell you how they did it because it 'isn't gentlemanly', they're still your baby and you still love them. Might not like them very much at the same time though.

I hope you're okay

Original poster

shareacokewithnoone · 28/08/2014 22:58

True I suppose. I'm thinking more of responses saying they are an adult, should be thrown out of the house, and so on!

It just seems harsh - I'm obviously not saying awful behaviour should be tolerated but some allowances on both sides maybe?

OP posts:

Original poster

shareacokewithnoone · 28/08/2014 23:02

Nat I was so the same Nothing that bad - no drink or drugs or anything I was just really inconsiderate and selfish. Things like staying in the shower for ages and using up all the hot water and being messy, once borrowed and lost mums watch and was just sulky and rude instead of just apologising like a normal decent human being.

It bears NO relation to who I am now and I wasn't even like that mostly elsewhere. I was hard working and pleasant at school and when I got a PT job. But at home I was SO inconsiderate and I just didn't mean it, any of it .

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 28/08/2014 23:03

YANBU. I was a horror until I was about 23! Still...I think people on here lie a lot about how much they'll put up with from DC. On here everyone's as pure as the cold driven snow but in reality...well...

velocity1 · 28/08/2014 23:04

There were times I didn't like my teenagers very much, but I always loved them, no matter how hard they made it. Thankfully we are coming out the other side now, and they have turned into quite nice adults.

RaspberryRuffle · 28/08/2014 23:18

YANBU, some posters appear very harsh on their teenagers, expecting them to behave like an adult when they still have hormones flying everywhere and not much life experience. Then there are the posters who left home at 16 and had to live on beans and toast for a year and think you're a soft touch if you buy your teenage DC any treats. And all the ones where they have to do their own washing and pay board in uni holidays and arent't allowed to help themselves from the fridge and kitchen cupboards. Unless there is real financial hardship I don't get any of this.

My siblings and I all went through terrible teens just as we did with terrible twos, we didn't have great relationships with our parents, got into scrapes, pushed boundaries and came out the other side thinking, Wow, I was sometimes so stupid or unpleasant and they stayed on my side. And stuck to some pretty harsh punishments. And gave in sometimes when it really wasn't a big deal. So I've learned to negotiate, push boundaries in a safe environment, know that I can confide in them, ask for advice, turn to them if a boyfriend treats me badly (and not be afraid to be told I'm an adult and have made my choices). And now we have a great relationship, and I have so much respect for them, and we all laugh about the pink hair dye incident or the hideous older boyfriend but nobody mentions the vomit in the garden, ever, it must have been a sick kitten.

Shareacokewithnoone your parents would not have hated you. They might have been exasperated or wondering when you were going to grow up. They likely could see through all the bravado and surliness and imagine the woman you would become. The fact that you were pleasant at school and in work was proof you could do it so they knew you'd turn out fine.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/08/2014 23:22

When you are in the middle of the teenage years it can be quite hard to see the wood for the trees - but Annunziata is absolutely right - no matter how cross I get with my dses (and we recently caught ds3 smoking - but it is Ok, according to him - he isn't a real smoker because he only smokes when he's been drinking - sigh), I still love them with all my heart.

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2014 23:24

Oh the throw them out I was living by myself in outer mongolia in a tent at 16 nonsense gets on my wick too op , but as somebody else said we sound off rant and rave just to get things off our chest teenagers are like giant toddlers sometimes they are so frustrating,

Summerisle1 · 28/08/2014 23:26

When you are right in the middle of the teenage years, there are times when you can find your DCS distinctly unlikeable. But that doesn't mean you don't love them. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Twrch62 · 28/08/2014 23:28

NatJon,
Your mother WOULD NOT have hated you, I have 3 boys 16-21 living at home, they drive us to distraction at times, with their mess and inconsiderate behaviour.
BUT, we love them unconditionally, as your mum would have loved you, and know it is just part of growing up.
I am so sorry for your loss when you were at such a young age.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 23:28

I don't know any parents who hate their teens/young adults.

But I do know plenty (including me) who have at various stages, thought 'I don't like them very much right now'.

Most parents hate the behaviour but not their offspring.

I often wonder what my Mum would have posted about the five of us if she'd had social media in her day

MaureenMLove · 28/08/2014 23:30

I never hate my almost 19 year old DD. She really pushes my buttons sometimes though! In fact I've gone to great lengths over the years to tell her in an arguement that 'I don't hate you, but I'm not very fond of you at the moment!'

I liken her brain to a jigsaw. It's just a case of getting all the right pieces in the right place at the same time! We've almost finished the jigsaw - I think! - although sometimes a piece falls out and it's not great looking for it again!

We had a lovely moment about 3 weeks ago, when she sent me a text, whilst I was on holiday saying, she'd realised how much I actually did for her and that she'd appreciate me much more when I came home. (jigsaw complete - yay!) I think we made it almost 10 hours before she'd pissed me off and she'd stropped off to her room! (jigsaw piece fallen out again!)

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2014 23:30

I second your parents woul d not have hated you not for a minute

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 23:34

Maureen I can so relate to that

They can be total fuckers and then they'll very occasionally do something nice without being asked...like simply make you a cup of tea, and you get that little warm glow.

But the cup hardly has time to cool down before they're back to their moody self, and the whole world is out to get them

NatJon · 28/08/2014 23:37

Thank you twrch that gives me some comfort. Still feel so sad every time I think about how much of a dick I was (plus have autism which couldn't have been easy) and how much she put up with.

Breaks my heart. Can feel my eyes welling up right now.

thornrose · 28/08/2014 23:38

Every argument I have with my almost 15 year old dd involves her saying "you hate me" and me replying "no, I really, really love you, but you're getting on my sodding nerves right now"!

NatJon your mum didn't hate you, I'd bet my life on it. My dd has done and said unspeakable things to me but I love the very bones of her.

BackforGood · 28/08/2014 23:39

Oh yes Worra and Maureen - I'm recognising that

thornrose · 28/08/2014 23:42

Oh NatJon I've just seen your last post, how poignant. The reason my dd has done and said unspeakable things is that she has Aspergers. I have a very special love for my troubled, angry, resilient, gorgeous daughter. I'm crying just writing this, believe me when I say that your mum understood and could never, ever hate you!

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