To want to keep my maiden name?

[Mitzimaybe]

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

I think your husband is right, but you don't want to hear that!

It's quite simple to resolve - you keep your name in professional circles, you take his in private life. Or you could choose the more modern phrase 'family name'.

Will no one think of the children? What are you going to call those? Every child deserves it's fathers name IMHO.

Ask him to take yours as a sign of commitment.

If he can't see that point of view, how is the relationship equal and modern? Not saying LTB I promise but that kind of understanding is basic isn't it? You do want to keep independence don't you?

Did you read, Frank? OP said no children.

Do people/women give up their independence when they get married? Unless he had an incredibly cool name, it wouldn't occur to me to change my name

What aurynne said.

I added DH's surname to mine. Our DD has both surnames. It has nothing to do with independence, it is to do with identity and respect.

he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think you are right.

I would be loathe to marry someone who made such silly pronouncements. You want to keep your independence? Umm, yes, I think you probably do. Will he be giving up his independence by marrying you, in any way?

I think you're totally right. Easy for him to say when he's not the one who has to give up his name.

I kept my name. It didn't even occur to me to change it or to disuss it with my husband. If he had been bothered I would have been very worried.

By the way 'wanting to keep your independence'. What does even mean?

I would be worried about marrying anyone who made such a bizarre pronouncement. Keep my independence? errr, don't mind if I do! It's a wedding, not a slave auction.
I kept my own surname, my husband didn't blink, why should he? I made a commitment to be with him and look after him, to forge a partnership - not to give away my identity.

I don't understand the custom of changing your name upon marriage, and there are plenty of places in the world where it doesn't happen.

Do you think he's hurt you won't take it and is handling it wrong? You say you're older, is it generational? Is he old fashioned? Did he not realise until recently how you do not wish to?

If I ever marry I'll be damned if I'm taking someone else's name. It isn't anyone else's business. It is your name & your choice.

I kept my own name it is no big deal, I got married about 18 years ago but even then it was not uncommon. I don't know why it is an issue. Perhaps your husband to be is insecure?

Of course YANBU.

I'd be asking him to explain exactly how my independence would be curtailed by marriage and why he thinks that would be a good thing.

Then watch him squirm and come to his senses or watch him try to defend the indefensible. I don't think I could marry someone so... backward thinking so if he chose the latter that would be a problem.

Every child deserves it's fathers name.

he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married
Have you asked him what the point of getting married is for him if he 'wants to keep his independence' by keeping his name?

I have my name, DH has his. I got married I didn't enter witness protection.

YANBU. Of course you're not.

I kept my name. It didn't even occur to me to change it. I told dh that was what I wanted to do and we discussed it but I very definitely didn't ask his permission. If he had responded like your dp I'd have been totally bemused.

Another one who doesn't understand why you lose your independence on getting married. What on earth does that mean?

It's only traditional for some cultures, in some times.

Marriage is a merger, not a take-over, isn't that what they say?
You dh had been reading too much Mills and Boom, he is fantasising about you being Mrs Whatever and thinking that's the only sign of your new status/relationship. I think you will regret it in the long run if you back down on this.

Missfenella

I think the two of you need to have a talk about what marriage actually means to you. The comment about wanting to keep your independence is just odd. How does he think you will become dependent on him once you are married?

and can we stop calling it 'maiden name'? It's just your name or real name as I call it to annoy name changing people

I like MissFenellas line!

It is bizarre to say stuff about 'your independance' though - does he think you will be giving up a large part of your life once married, become part of him somehow?

I'd be telling him that you'll take his name if he takes yours . Then you are both 'giving up your independance'.

For the record, I've been married 17 years, and I am MsCmot, dh is Mrhisname and DS (and the cats/dogs/rabbit) are all cmot-hisname. We are all very happy with this arrangement