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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
Trinpy · 03/08/2014 12:21

You say you're not young, so I'm assuming you've built up a career using the name you've had now, all your qualifications would be in that name too. It costs money and is a pita to get your name changed on everything. You're not going to have kids so it's not like you're going to need a shared name to give them. They're a few practical reasons I can think of. But really, if he cares about what you want it should be enough just to say 'I want to keep my surname'.

I would be reluctant to even marry someone who believed I would be giving up my independence on marriage though. What does he mean by that?

Nomama · 03/08/2014 12:27

I hope he just chose the wrong word as I think I see what he means

We had that discussion and I decided that as we were doing the old fashioned thing and getting married in the first place I should take his name. Then the choice was whether or not to double barrel our names. But try as we may we couldn't make it sound right - more like a make of sunglasses or a no win no fee agent Smile

So I went with his name. There was no point getting married otherwise. We could have shown our commitment much more cheaply if we had just put an announcement in the paper.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 03/08/2014 12:30

I think there are other points to getting married than name changing Hmm

Princess28 · 03/08/2014 12:39

I've changed mine gradually over the last 5 years. About a year after we got married I added it to my Facebook name, then about a year after I removed my maiden name. Then when I got caught speeding moved house I changed my driving license. This year my passport was up for renewal so I've changed that and I'm about to change jobs and have told my new work that I'm going to go with my married name.

cashmiriana · 03/08/2014 12:41

I showed commitment to my DH by making (mutual) promises to be loving and faithful, in front of 100 people in our place of worship.

I continue to show that commitment 17 years later by sharing a home, bed, bank account, jointly raising 2 children, and generally being a partnership.

I can manage all of that whilst having a totally different surname to his.

YANBU.

Nomama · 03/08/2014 12:45

Yes nugget, of course there is. You misunderstood my post, that's all!

NuggetofPurestGreen · 03/08/2014 12:46

What did I misunderstand?

"So I went with his name. There was no point getting married otherwise"

temporarilyjerry · 03/08/2014 12:53

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

^this

Nomama · 03/08/2014 12:59

Really? And you have now taken that one line out of context... good for you!

NuggetofPurestGreen · 03/08/2014 13:05

But I genuinely don't understand your post! What context?

lizhow14 · 03/08/2014 13:05

I had no problems taking DH name.....or so I thought! Once married I struggled with the loss of identity, especially as I come from a large family that I loved being apart of.
I did change my name gradually in my personal life but kept my maiden professionally until this year (2 years post marriage). I no longer feel that loss of identity and like it that DH, DD and my new baby will share our surname.
I probably sound completely mental (and did go a bit after marriage!). I think though that if a woman chooses to keep her own name, in no way does it devalue marriage. If marriage was just about a name (which I have heard individuals say), then we could save time and effort and just change our name by deed poll!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/08/2014 13:06

I kept my name upon marriage. I also kept my independence. I wouldn't want to marry someone who expected me to give either of them up.

Nomama · 03/08/2014 13:11

Nugget - as we were doing the old fashioned thing and getting married in the first place

That context. The bit where I explained that we had decided to do something the old fashioned way, we could have handfasted, had a party, put a notice in the paper or just continued to live together.

But we chose an old fashioned ceremony as it suited our intentions at the time... that context

Not to mention the bit where I explained that we discussed me double barrelling, but it didn't sound right....

MissMillament · 03/08/2014 13:11

I got married I didn't enter witness protection.

Thank you Miss Fenella, I am stealing that line for the next time I am asked why I didn't change my name (and I got married 20 years ago and am still asked this from time to time).

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 03/08/2014 13:12

If you not taking his name is a deal breaker for him, surely you have the same prerogative - ie being asked not to retain your name is a deal breaker for you. He sounds very old fashioned to me. Is he like this in other areas?

goldrabbit · 03/08/2014 13:12

OP are you absolutely sure you want to marry someone who is so sexist/incredibly stupid?

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/08/2014 13:13

We had that discussion and I decided that as we were doing the old fashioned thing and getting married in the first place I should take his name

What an odd statement. What's old- fashioned about getting married? And it's not even universal in time or place to take his name.

goldrabbit · 03/08/2014 13:14

Oh, and cue loads of people eating 'I took dp's name... Mine wasn't very nice'

Always the women with not nice names isn't it...

goldrabbit · 03/08/2014 13:14

Saying not eating...

Nomama · 03/08/2014 13:18

Phaedra, it is pretty much the done thing in the society in which I live - Westernised, Christian, CofE and all that.

I listed a few of the things we could have done, other than get married, which is very much an outmoded way of 2 people residing together - the religious aspect at least. We chose a church wedding, mainly because way back then it was that or a registry office, plus it meant a lot to grandparents.

Why is my choice, my understanding of marriage 'not right'?

Floisme · 03/08/2014 13:19

I don't know how I can persuade your partner op, but I totally support you and find it thoroughly depressing that this is still even an issue.

DrunkenWhore · 03/08/2014 13:19

Wow, you learn something new everyday. I've been married for 15 years and I had no idea I gave up my independence on my wedding day. ShockConfused Last time I checked no one else was the boss of me. Hang on...nope, still the boss of myself and DH. Grin I took DH's name when we got married I thought it was romantic. Blush

OP YANBU to keep your own name. Y will BU to marry the twat though.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/08/2014 13:23

I didn't say it was wrong. I don't follow your notion that marriage is old fashioned. That was c what I thought is odd

Nomama · 03/08/2014 13:32

This will be fun - do you remember the Kersaal Flyers, Little Does She Know Smile

I didn't say you said it was wrong, I said 'not right' you said 'odd'.

For my part I don't see how anyone can't see marriage as an old fashioned institution - all those male hegemonic words and expectations.

BIWI · 03/08/2014 13:40

Does he expect you to promise to obey him in your marriage vows as well? Hmm

I'd be very concerned about what he expects of you and your relationship when you're married. He seems to think that things will change, I would say, and that he will be more important than you. I'm guessing he's not planning on losing his independence?

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