To want to keep my maiden name?

[Mitzimaybe]

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

YANBU. I had no intention of taking my husband's name. I like my name. If I had wanted to change it, I could have done so by deed poll once I hit 16.

However, when the mood takes me, I introduce myself as Mrs DHname, and sometimes I use it for non-official things, as my own name is really quite unusual.

Call yourself what you want. It's silly of your DH to make such a fuss

My husband took my name when we married - I didn't want to change mine, but he very much wanted us to share a name. He changed it by deed poll on the day we married and I thought it might cause lots of raised eyebrows, but not-a-one.

Works really well for us.

Oh Nugget, you just know I've had that one blasted at me before!!
Also, you should be proud to take his name [MIL]....
Oh I'm getting the shakes just thinking about seeing inlaws for extended visit. The attitude towards taking their sons name typifies their deeply held view that I should be a grateful, little woman worshipping the ground he walks on...

I can't see why it would cause a raised eyebrow. It is no big deal to do whatever you want. I changed mine,because I wanted to,but if you don't it is up to you- just dig your heels in OP and tell him it isn't important.

Tell him to change HIS name if he feels that strongly about it, as others have said. Otherwise his own argument is that he's too independent and there's no point in him being married.

Mmm, but it was important to me to keep my name Delphinium as it is part of who I am. It would seem odd to me to change it. All my friends have changed their names on marriage and one very close friend seems afronted I haven't and still sends birthday cards to me with Mrs....
I bite my lip as not worth losing a friendship over.

Your name, your choice. FWIW when I first met my DH he said he would want any wife of his to take his name. I said I didn't ever want to change mine. Strangely enough he didn't find that a barrier to getting married as he recognises that I am am adult not a child or servant who does what they are told. I have continued to use my name in all circumstances.

You could try suggesting to him that you both change to a completely different name. His reaction to that would be very telling. But you're not obliged to offer even that. As I said, your name, your choice.

My DH would have liked me to take his name, but not enough to make a song and dance about it. [Would have saved him earache from his parents though for not 'sorting me out'!].

DH is a huge feminist and was very keen for me to make my own choice. He really didn't care what I chose.

I had Firstname Middlename MySurname

And made it, Firstname Middlename MySurnameAsNewMiddleName HisSurname.

Professionally/on FB and stuff I use Firstname MySurname-HisSurname, but officially I am Mrs HisSurname.

Kids just have HisSurname.

How about: He should change his name to yours, otherwise he's just trying to keep his independence and you shouldn't even bother getting married.

I think changing your name is weird tbh, and would want to know why I should, rather than why I shouldn't. Sometimes my OH takes my surname, as his is weird and hard to spell, whereas mine is deadly boring and therefore takes no time to explain. And why not?

To be fair to him, it's not something he's given much thought to, he just assumed that I would want to. His surname is nice and quite rare so he wouldn't want to change it. Our names don't blend or double-barrel well. All his friends and family have taken the husband's name. So it never occurred to him that I wouldn't want to.

But by keeping your maiden name, doesn't that imply you still 'belong' to your father? There is still ownership there historically speaking, the only difference being which male owns you. What's the real reason you don't want his name, because your ownership argument is pretty weak?

But by keeping your maiden name, doesn't that imply you still 'belong' to your father? There is still ownership there historically speaking, the only difference being which male owns you. What's the real reason you don't want his name, because your ownership argument is pretty weak?

And that doesn't mean I think you should take his name by the way, I kept my own maiden name, taking my husband's was never expected and I didn't want too.

So what will you do OP?

Ditched it for purely aesthetic reasons. I also dislike the term "maiden name", it feels very medieval.

"But by keeping your maiden name, doesn't that imply you still 'belong' to your father? "

Not at all. OP's name has been her name for c30 years or more - it's hers.

Since you are not married, yet, now is the time to make sure your views are taken into consideration. Just tell him not to be silly and you are keeping your name- the end.

I kept my maiden name after marriage. in reality of you have two names, one for work and one at home it is hard to get this to wor, for example the name on your passport and Driving licence need to be the same, you need to produce ID for DBS checks etc.

I kept my name because at that time the name was nearly extinct ( fortunately since then a couple of male cousins have been born) DH didn't get on well with his father. We each kept our own names and our sons have two surnames, un hyphenated.

Just for the sake of good all debate, don't most of us have names as a result of a patriarchal society, ie our father's names?

Every child deserves it's fathers name IMHO

Lol

When you marry, you don't become an appendage of your husband. So in that respect he is right, you do want to keep your independent identity, and quite rightly. If he believes you should change your name he should be equally prepared to change his name to yours. If he wouldn't consider that, then he has no right to ask you to do so.

Changing names is an old fashioned, patriarchal and offensive tradition that needs to die sooner rather than later. People's names are a huge part of their identity and changing it is not an easy thing to do. It's unnecessary and in no way shows a lack of commitment if a woman chooses not to do it.

For me, I had my name for over 30 years before marrying so felt attached to it! Would have felt very strange to change it.
Mind you, whole Church marriage thing felt odd. I went the traditional route with that to keep certain family members happy [more malleable then] but even then, a name change was a step too far...

Cormoran, my name is mine. I have inhabited it for 34 years. I don't really care where it came from in the sense of who it belongs to, because it belongs to me. I didn't borrow it from my father.

I kept my name.

I'm a human in my own right,not an appendage of my husband..

I'm not doing ltb, but I really do think that HE needs to think long and hatd about this.
if he thinks that you not taking gis nameis a dealbreaker, then he doesn't think much of you, let alone as an equal partner.

the bottom line is that it's your name, so it's your decision, not his. in much the same way as you choose whether you want to have sex (you wouldn't dothat if you didn't want to, even if he really wanted to, and he wouldn't want you to)

I agree with someone else who said to ask him to take yours - if he doesn't agree with that for any other reasons than "it's tradtional" and "no, it's my name" then he is asking you because ge doesn't believe you're his equal.

and don't put up with "but it's your father's name". it isn't, it's your name and is as much a part of your identity as your first name.

and it's a bloody ballache changing all your documents jnto a new name. it's not worth thehassle for something he won't have to deal with at all.