To want to keep my maiden name?

[Mitzimaybe]

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

Good - and well done for talking it through in advance, wish I had.

When DH and I married we both took double-barrelled Myname-Hisname. I was surprised at the raised eyebrows to be honest - seems like the obvious way for us all to have the same family name equally. I still get called Mrs Hisname by his family and they don't acknowledge that he's changed his name. DD gets birthday cards addressed to Miss Hisname from them. Grrrr!

Glad you've managed to stick to your guns - he'll just have to be ok with it, in the end, but I understand that you don't want it to carry on being a bone of contention.

A family friend and her fiance never discussed this, and when it emerged the week before the wedding that she intended to keep her name (shouldn't have been a big surprise as she's got a great professional reputation) he flipped out. Practically called off the wedding. In the end she had to agree to change her name. This should definitely not be happening in the 21st century FGS. As an earlier poster said, I don't have a problem (maybe a tinge of sadness) with female friends who change their names, but I do have a big problem with men who expect it.

He did ask if I can be Ms Myname at work and Mrs Hisname socially but I said no. Some of the responses on this thread have really helped me clarify my thinking. We love each other. We are in a committed relationship and want to get married. I am already demonstrating my commitment by moving to the other end of the country, which also involves finding a new job, giving up my current one which I like, and probably taking a pay cut in the process. If either of us needs to do any more to prove their commitment, it's not me! Keeping my name both professionally and socially does not diminish my commitment to him in any way.

I agree with you (and glad you've got a resolution) - I still use my own name for all things except my annual birthday card from MIL addressed to Mrs (his initial) (his surname) - which I accept happily because in her view it is about all of us being family together

However..... I'm guessing that the population who have replied on this thread are a different population from the women who expect the man to propose, who are 'given away' by their Dads, who wear a white dress (and even a veil) etc, etc,. There are some women who have dreamt about the romantic proposal, or the 'big day', and I guess there are some men who have always imagined that when they married they would feel immense pride that they were now Mr and Mrs (his name) . This may be nothing to do with 'ownership' or inequality but rather years of unspoken expectation.

There was no proposal per se, the wedding will be fairly informal - no church, no speeches etc. so it's not like we're doing everything the traditional way.

I have to say, although I knew that i would never change my name, I had an idea that I would be okay with being "mrs DH'sname" in private.
The day after the wedding, I told him that he could call me that if he wanted, thinking it might be quite sexy.

So he did, and we both went "no, that was just weird. Let's never do that again"
It just sounded grotesque and bizarre, like something out of a naff 50s TV programme. and it made me feel quite queasy.