To want to keep my maiden name?

[Mitzimaybe]

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

My father is dead, so any question of his owning me is irrelevant. In fact, that's how the subject came up - who do I want to give me away? I said I don't need to be given away, it's my own decision, no ownership is being transferred etc.

I kept my own surname and then added DH's onto the end while I was still in the UK for professional reasons; and also because I got married while 18w pg, so it made sense to continue using my maiden name for the hospital to avoid confusion and loss of continuity of care (I was under consultant care so it was relatively important to maintain continuity).

Once we moved out here though I dropped my maiden name. It might not have been very feminist of me but both names were quite long, so removing my maiden name made forms etc. easier; it made it simpler for emigration/visas/family reasons; and no one knew me as my maiden name out here so it wasn't that much of a hardship to just move to using DH's surname. It did also make him happier but that wouldn't have mattered so much to me if I had really wanted to stay with my maiden name - I wasn't that bothered once we left the UK.

I am still known in the UK by both names though, and still have both on my UK bank accounts etc.

I think sometimes people forget what a wedding is. They think it's a white dress, bridesmaids, speeches, fancy flowers, seating plans etc.
In reality it's a legal contract between two people that imposes certain rights and responsibilities. Ownership is not part of that contract. Both parties give themselves equally and freely.

Didn't change my name. Since MIL is from a part of the world where women don't change their name DH didn't have an issue with me not changing my name on marriage (plus he's a feminist, obv). When I was pregnant with DD1 he suggested we make the kids double barrelled, we didn't but I now wish we had - they are probably too od to make them change now.

I'd have serious issues with a man who insisted I changed my name. Definitely suggest he changes his so you are the same, as PPs say, his reaction to that will be very telling.

I kept my birth surname and my husband kept his. He was fine when I suggested it. We are a partnership and I strongly felt we are equals and one doesn't have to be subsumed into the other. (Our names wouldn't have double-barrelled well and anyway, whose would be first?)

One relative said she didn't know why we bothered getting married at all, and another suggested I was a lesbian

I couldn't be faffed with the "professional name"/ "social name" thing, my name is so closely bound up with my identity I didn't want to chop and change it. But it's your choice, you are who you are and I don't think there is an absolute right or wrong - it's not up to me whether people take the DH's name or not.

Our DCs have their Dad's surname though. If people ask about that I just say I don't need them to have their name to demonstrate they are mine!

But what's important is you talk this through very thoroughly.

too old

"I don't need them to have my name to demonstrate they are mine" dohhh

mitzi you can choose who to give you away.
in the book of common prayer, it states "father or friend"
it's not (contrary to popular belief) about handing over ownership. the wording says "who gives this woman to be married to this man?" it's about your friend (father mother friend sibling cousin) supporting you as you make this journey to the wedding and saying "I'm here for this woman, and I'm "holding her hand" as she comes to meet you to marry you.

YANBU. I kept my name too. It would have felt really weird to change my name at my age and if I was knownas Mrs DH's surname then I would have felt like I'd morphed into his mum!

Who cares? There is only meaning attached if you attach meaning to it.

I kept my name. It would seem really weird to have a different name, like changing an important part of yourself. My children have my surname as another middle name & DH's surname as their -surname as I dislike double barrel.

When I married first at 21 I changed my name, my husband used this as proof of ownership. it was unpleasant - of course not every man is like this but it does colour my judgement of course.

When I married again, aged 36 I didn't change my name legally - I have a professional career and I am known to quite a few people in my sector. changing my surname would have caused lots of hassle though I do get fairly irate when I get 'but that's not your real name anymore, is it?' from the older fraternity....

my husband wasn't bothered, everyone knows we are married and he didn't think it had relevance today. The only place that I share dd's and dh's surname at school because I'm bored with correcting them

you are no longer either goods nor chattels in your husbands estate, you can be known by whatever name you choose. You are choosing to marry him, to share your life with him, you love him, surely that is enough?

I don't understand why anyone would want to change their name when they got married - DH and I never discussed it - we got married not lost our individuality. DT's have both our names. If your DH wants you to have the same surname, why can't he change his to yours ?

"Just for the sake of good all debate, don't most of us have names as a result of a patriarchal society, ie our father's names?"

Well, our names were inherited from our fathers, but that is also the case for any man who's about to get married. Yet, curiously, you very seldom hear of men choosing to change their name upon marriage on the grounds that "It's my father's name, not mine." It's funny how men are understood to own their own names, but women are not. A hangover, I suppose, from the days when women did not go through higher level education, work in professional jobs or enter academia.

We as women own our own names, because they are connected with everything we have done in life in the public domain--whether that's getting a degree, owning a business, publishing a paper or working outside the home.

OP, seriously, don't change your name if you don't want to! My own experience is that even among women who were really "into" the idea of name-changing during their engagements, a few years down the line quite a large percentage of them end up regretting it. And if you are already against the idea now, you will almost certainly really regret it.

And once you have changed your name, there is no going back (well, pretty much) if you have regrets later on. In legal terms, yes, you COULD change it back to your maiden name, but you will look like a twit and everyone will assume that your marriage is on the rocks. Talk to your fiancé and explain why you don't want to.

You also don't have to have anyone 'giving' you away if you don't want to.

We had a civil service and we walked up to the Registrar together as a couple. As much as I love my dad he moved out when I was 5 and DH and I had been together for 10 years at that point. The thought of being 'given away' by anybody was just silly in my mind.

I didn't change my name when I got married over 10 years ago. It's my name and I didn't want to be 'mrs husband'. It just didn't feel right. I already had a child with my surname.
Thankfully I have a wonderful DH who wasn't bothered in the slightest.
We have children who have my name. I wanted the children to all have the same name.
DH frequently gets called mr Drunken, I often get called mrs DH but we don't tend to bother correcting people, it's not really a big deal.

Mitzi - you can have someone (a friend or relative who is important to you) walk with you down the aisle and then just sit down - they don't have to so the "giving away" bit. (I did it like this). It is quite nice not to have to make the walk alone, if you are a bit nervous!

I am getting married next year and I will add DP's name onto the end of my name (think along the lines
of Kingpin rather than King-Pin)

I love my surname and am very proud to have shared it with my dad, who also very kindly shared it with my mum and my sister. It is for that reason I am retaining it and adding a bit on the end. I have been Miss King for a long time, and when DP and I marry I will look forward to spending the rest of my life as Mrs Kingpin, being as equally proud to incorporate his name into mine.

It's my choice, DP thinks it is a fitting tribute to both our families.

I couldn't be bothered with learning a new name and writing dozens of letters to change it (this was before the internet). Even now it would be a lot of unnecessary hassle.

but I also would run a mile from a man who said anything about 'not keeping my independence'

As far as I am concerned it IS in fact a big deal. If a man had expected me to take his name I would have immediately rethought my plans to marry him. Why should I? Like some on this thread, it never even occurred to me to change my name.

I would hope you DO want to keep your independence after marriage! You don't become a slave or a pet, you're still an individual in your own right. Keep your name if you like it. If he doesn't want to get married then, it's his hard luck.

I would never change my name, for marriage or any other reason. My friend changed hers and it caused endless faff with forms, bank accounts etc.

I said why bother changing eg your bank account? She looked at me as if I was mad.

Name changing isn't for me, and I notice most men seem quite keen to have the same name post marriage too.

I kept my name and I also kept my independence when I got married.

We are expecting our first child - a boy - and he will have DH's last name and mine as a middle name. If we have a girl it will be the other way round.

Have had numerous people, including so-called friends, tell me I need to change my name as "my children wont know who I am" (if they are that thick we'll have a real problem) and that we're not properly committed/it's not a real marriage etc (we've been together for 12 years, married for 6, so I have no worries on that count). People are dicks.

As for it being "my father's name anyway", well yes, but it's also my name, that I was born with, the name on both of my degrees, the name I have built a career with - I'm pretty attached to it and I don't think marriage is a good reason to up-end my whole identity. (apart from all the faff of changing it which is reason enough not to on its own).

I grew up with a different surname from my mother. Seriously, it is not an issue.

I've kept my name and there were some comments as my dh is from a very traditional family, but in his country women can have both their name and their married name as official names,(not double-barrelled).

My reasons were to do with identity, and the fact I'm well known professionally by my name. However I have since added his name to mine on my business card as it actually helps me. I remain legally my 'maiden' name, but our social stationery has the traditional naming (Mr and Mrs x yyyyyy) and I don't mind (too much) when we're presented/listed as such.

The children have his name, which I sort of regret, but putting the two together would have been a dreadful mouthful (21 letters). My husband isn't bothered that I've kept my name and I'd be pretty pissed off if he gave me the kind of ultimatum yours did. Certainly in professional and academic circles it is very very common to keep your name.