Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/08/2014 13:44

Your independence? What on earth is going to happen when you get married in his eyes?

however · 03/08/2014 13:45

Ask him to take yours as a signal of his commitment to you. Hth.

dolicapax · 03/08/2014 13:46

Very simple, just tell him you won't, and end of story. He can't change it for you, and if you don't go through the whole rigmarole of sending off your marriage cert to the passport office, bank etc you will stay with your own name by default.

Stand up for what you want from day one, it's about starting as you mean to go on as much as anything. What's he going to do? Cancel the wedding? If he's that much of a controlling arse then cancelling the wedding would be a very good thing imo.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 03/08/2014 13:57

YANBU

Nomama, until heterosexual civil partnerships become legal, marriage is the cheapest way of getting to the legal protections that it brings.

GinUtero · 03/08/2014 13:58

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I partly agree, I didn't want to feel I "belonged" to DH, by changing my name to his, but by that logic, in keeping it the same, didn't it signify that I belonged to my dad?

I was born a very boring surname, so for most of my professional life (writer) had been using a more unusual catchy surname. When I married DH I simply changed my surname officially to that, as I felt it suited me far better. DH didn't have an issue with it - he wouldn't have changed his name to mine, so he recognised it would have been unfair of him to expect me to do the same.

I don't agree with your fiancé's assertion that you may as well not get married if you're not going to change your name - you can still be individuals while being husband and wife!

Igggi · 03/08/2014 14:14

Do men's surnames show that they belong to their dad's though? This only seems to be said about women's.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 03/08/2014 14:16

Yes igggi and there's a difference between defaulting into a patriarchal naming system and opting in.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/08/2014 14:24

I am happily married with my own name, money, work, diary and thoughts. I would resist any aspect of marriage where I was supposed to do something but DH wasn't.

Topaz25 · 03/08/2014 14:28

YANBU to keep your name, it's your name do what you want with it. If your DP feels so strongly that you should share a name, suggest he changes his! His comments concern me, I think it's time for you to have a frank talk about what marriage means to him and decide if that is what you want.

I was once engaged to a man who demanded I change my name when we got married, it was a warning sign, he turned out to be very controlling and we did not end up getting married. I am now married to a lovely man who took my name (his choice, I didn't pressure him.) A real partner should respect your decisions.

Vitalstatistix · 03/08/2014 14:30

He thinks you are surrendering your independence by marrying him?

Nomama · 03/08/2014 15:51

How romantic, ABLand...

duchesse · 03/08/2014 16:00

Unlike all these 1000s of women who just happen to be saddled with unfortunate surnames (how come families called Bumface only ever have girl children?), my surname happens to be very nice, but even if it hadn't been I would have still kept it. It's been my surname since birth and it's part of who I am.

duchesse · 03/08/2014 16:02

There's nothing romantic about marriage nomama. Historically and socially it's always only been a nifty way of ensuring inheritance and the transfer of property. "Romantically" you get all the same benefits from a long term partnership.

Justagirlintheworld · 03/08/2014 16:07

Before the Roman invasion it was traditional to not be married in this country. Stick to your guns.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 03/08/2014 16:08

I was responding to your point about why marry rather than another ceremony.

sonlypuppyfat · 03/08/2014 16:12

I loved my maiden name is was really unusual but easy to spell and unforgettable, but I didn't miss it when I got married I was proud to take his dead common name!

hiccupgirl · 03/08/2014 16:31

If your DH to be would be equally as happy to give up his name just because it's traditional or it shows he's no longer independent then he has a fair point. If on the other hand he would no sooner consider changing his name to yours than cutting his arm off with a rusty knife, then I would tell him to get a grip and join the 21st century.

My name is my name. I was given it when I was born (yes it is my father's last name but that's another argument) and it will be my name until I die. I didn't change it on marriage and made it very clear to my DH that the only way I would change it was if he changed his too - so a brand new name for both of us. Anything else is totally outdated IMO. I have no issue with woman who choose to change their names because they want to but I do have a problem with men who expect it. And as for 'a child deserves their father's name' - what a load of rubbish. Why is one name more valid than another because of a different set of genitals?

CaptChaos · 03/08/2014 16:34

I took my DHs surname when we married. It was a second marriage for me, and I'd already taken my first DH's surname, so might have looked a bit odd.

I am seriously considering the idea of either changing my name back to my first surname, or changing my surname into a double barrel of Dh's and my birth surnames. DH is a touch nonplussed about it all, but it's my name, not his to decide Grin

wobblyweebles · 03/08/2014 16:38

OP I believe the phrase to use it 'No is a complete sentence.'

Perhaps instead of needing you to show your commitment to him, you could start requiring that he shows HIS respect for you by not trying to pressurise you into doing something that he himself is entirely unwilling to do.

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2014 16:41

I'm going to take my dp's name when we marry later this month.

But if he were making statements similar to the ones your dp has been making, I would most certainly not change it.

Keeping ones maiden name or taking ones husbands name is the choice of the woman alone. As I said, I'm choosing to, but choosing not to is completely valid. Having the choice removed or having ones partner try and remove that choice is not ok.

Nomama · 03/08/2014 17:09

duchesse, happily that doesn't have to be true. In our case, it isn't. We didn't get married with any ideas of finance, inheritance etc. I suppose not having had any makes that more likely!

But I do feel sorry for all those who get married with money in mind. It seems so dreary and unloving.

Bue · 03/08/2014 17:10

Thank you, Nugget. There is something about the term 'maiden name' being used in 2014 that just grates.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 03/08/2014 17:14

The French got rid of it off their official forms bue. Along with mademoiselle. Vive la France! Grin

SapphireMoon · 03/08/2014 17:23

I kept my name as MY name.
My parents inlaw frown about it constantly and see it as a slight on their son.
My Mother somehow thinks not taking married name is somehow not correct and that whatever I think [and my passport etc say] I am really Mrs...
It seems to cause resentment in some. Seeing PIL for LONG holiday soon and cats bums mouths will occur as they see this slight as the tip of a terrible non Stepford wife iceberg...

NuggetofPurestGreen · 03/08/2014 17:24

Sapphire I just don't know why you even bothered to get married in the first place Grin Wink

Swipe left for the next trending thread