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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
Yama · 06/08/2014 14:52

I was at a wedding at the weekend where the couple are hyphenating to Hername-Hisname. Both of them.

Chiana · 06/08/2014 14:55

Good for them!

Yama · 06/08/2014 16:28

Yeah, it's progress isn't it? At last.

Dh and I considered double-barreling our names when we married but it would have been too long. It was dh who brought it up actually. We both kept our own names.

nickelbabe · 06/08/2014 20:43

actually, there dh

nickelbabe · 06/08/2014 20:49

start again...

actually there are dhs on here that changed their names to their wife's because of negative associations... so yes, it happens.

1928 was when the church marriage vows changed, but not "dropped obey" but rather gave the choice of saying obey or cherish (men always said cherish)
the original meaning of obey was "listen" rather than "do as I'm told", and it's only time that has changed that.

you don't have to become "mrs" when you marry, and in actual fact, your title isn't part of your legal name, it's just a social nicety.
I am ms, but if I chose to be mrs tomorrow, or miss, then I could. mrs was always a title of honour, which is why housekeepers were called mrs even though they were very rarely married (same with head cooks)

Chiana · 07/08/2014 01:02

Good for those DHs.

Original poster
Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2014 17:42

I asked DP he's read this thread and he said "not since they all started arguing amongst themselves" which was very early on. Still hoping he will come to see my POV.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2014 17:43

I asked DP if he's read this thread

OP posts:
iK8 · 07/08/2014 20:50

He sounds totally charming Hmm

Does he often object to women expressing their own, independent opinions? Because you know that would make him a bit of a shitty excuse for a human being...

flowery · 07/08/2014 21:02

Why does he think you'll lose your independence if you get married OP? And why does he think you wanting to keep it is a bad thing?

flowery · 07/08/2014 21:03

Oh, and he doesn't need to "come to see your POV". Whether you take his name or not is entirely, completely and 100% your decision.

TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 07/08/2014 21:24

YANBU - if you want to keep your name - keep it.

I took my husband's name, as it was right for me, just as keeping your current name is what is right for you.

What I can't stand though, is women who keep their names, and then look down on women like me who have taken their husband's name, as if we've set the sisterhood back 100 years. And yes, I know that there are women who take their husband's name, who make snide remarks about women who don't ("why bother getting married").

Why can't every woman just make the choice that is right for her, without other sanctimonious women coming along, trying to belittle their choice?!

Original poster
Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2014 21:25

iK8: he is a really nice bloke, honestly! He does a lot of stuff just to make me happy and of course he likes me to express independent opinions etc. It's just, as I said earlier, that all the women he's ever known have name-changed on marriage (yes, really.) And I may have mistakenly led him to believe that I wanted to. So when I flatly said that I wouldn't, it came as a bit of a shock to him.

flowery: I agree with him that there's no point getting married if it doesn't change anything. I see marriage as strengthening our interdependence and, to that extent, reducing our independence. But I don't see that name changing has anything to do with that, because it (the interdependence thing) is something that affects us both equally, whereas name changing would only affect me, and therefore it's unreasonable for him to expect me to do it, imho.

I know it's my decision but I want him to be happy with it too. He'll probably have to defend it to his friends and family - and I know you'll probably say it's none of their business, but life isn't like that.

OP posts:
prettybird · 07/08/2014 21:36

Life can be like that if he wants it to be.

Get him to rehearse, "It's none of your business. I respect my wife and her decisions. Whether or not she changes her name does not alter how much I love her."

Grin
Original poster
Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2014 22:14

That's exactly the sort of defending I mean. Which would be difficult for him if he didn't like me keeping my name. Which is why I want him to like the idea.

OP posts:
prettybird · 07/08/2014 22:39

If you get him to rehearse ot often enough, he'll believe it! Wink

Igggi · 07/08/2014 23:42

I don't believe my dh has ever once had to discuss me not changing my name with anyone, never mind defend my choice!

Crystalballs · 07/08/2014 23:53

I think you should keep your name if that's your preference. If only because his reasons for not wanting you to do so are ridiculous and would really put my back up!

Chunderella · 08/08/2014 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aurynne · 08/08/2014 08:30

Also, the more women keep their name and pass it down to their children, the more people will have their mother's names. You can do it in just one generation!

nickelbabe · 09/08/2014 15:38

but marriage doesn't change much!

it makes you feel more secure, because legally you are, and it strengthens your relationship in my opinion.

it tells the whole world that you're committed to each other.
but day-to-day, not much changes.

but it's an important and massive legal step.

you're right - changing your name gas nothing to do with it.
most people I know changed their name, my mym though it was illegal not to and dh never even thought about it because people just did it.
but he never questioned my decision. I did have to explain to him it was allowed Wink
my dad was chuffed because both of my sisters changed theirs and I was the only one left of our surname.

nickelbabe · 09/08/2014 15:41

my dd has her own made-up name.

what she chooses to do with that is her own choice, but she hasn't inherited it from anyone (it's 3 letters my name and 3 from dh's name)

mummytime · 09/08/2014 16:52

It would have been a deal breaker for me. DH never really even questioned it. His Dad did, but not to our faces.

DH did object when I was called Miss (mainly my College, which has since come into the modern age and uses Ms), I just found it amusing and made me feel like an Actress, who all used to be Miss even if married.

Original poster
Mitzimaybe · 12/08/2014 09:56

We had the discussion this weekend. I still don't think he's thrilled about it but he's just about ok with it. We considered new names and combining again but it just doesn't work. He said he'd rather we both keep our existing names than take some silly made up name.

OP posts:
prettybird · 12/08/2014 10:30

Glad you managed to talk it through. :)

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