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Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
museumum · 03/08/2014 21:38

I just couldn't change my name.... I was 33 when I got married and my name had been with me too long to just change. Maybe if id married at 18 it wouldn't have been such an issue.

GermanHouseCat · 03/08/2014 21:42

DH and I have been married two years and I didn't change my name. At the time we agreed that we would both double barrel our names but in the event that seemed like a massive hassle involving deed poll (for him), new passports etc for something that neither of us were that bothered by.

And actually, it really doesn't matter. We're married, we wear rings and we love each other. He doesn't feel the need to 'own' me.

The only person remotely bothered by it is my GM who constantly refers/writes to me as Mrs DHname but then she is a 1950s throwback

I'm worried that your DH equates you keeping your name to not giving up your independence. Exactly what independence does he expect you to give up? I find that quite controlling.

Mintchocmummy · 03/08/2014 21:44

Wow I'm quite surprised and impressed by the number of ladies here steadfast about not changing their names. Good for you. Personally I was never attached or proud of my surname. It was a common name in the region where I grew up. I-Ls were so welcoming and I enjoyed the notion of joining DH in having a united surname going forward. His family surname is lovely, unusual, and i never even doubted whether to take it on marriage. More recently I'm not getting on well with my old family so I'm glad not be associated with their name now anyway!

soupmaker · 03/08/2014 22:44

Yes. Didn't marry until in my 40's and have never wanted to change my name. It would be a pain professionally. DH is very cool about it. Only bugger is I keep getting sent cheques address to Mrs DH's lastname.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 03/08/2014 22:55

So please to see this thread.

I'm getting married very soon, not changing my name. DP not bothered, but purple have said to me "what's the point in getting married then?" Angry

If we have DC, big, if, then I'll possibly officially change it to "myname hisname" (on paper) and give DC my name as second middle name, and his surname.

It is my name. I have absolutely zero reason to change it.

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/08/2014 23:16

That's bizarre isn't it? Do some people get married just so they can have a new name? You can change it by deed poll to anything you like and you won't have to pay a small fortune to caterers and florists either!

flipchart · 03/08/2014 23:57

I changed my name. So not bothered.
Nobody I know at all has kept their name.
Even a senior manager at work who got married 3 months ago changed her name.

Maybe keeping your name is not done in my region!!

I never felt like I lost my identity but became part of a team.

MiauMau · 04/08/2014 00:57

I kept mine, DH's name is super common and my surname is the only decent thing that I got from my father's family. There's nothing wrong about being independent whilst being married.

PopularNamesInclude · 04/08/2014 01:07

FFS I cannot believe conversations like the one in the OP still happen in modern relationships.

Take any name you want, OP, but you keep your independence, which should be fucking obvious to every sentient human.

Fruitsaladmum · 04/08/2014 03:08

You needs 'independence' in a marriage.
It is important to keep interests and things that you do yourself. It is good for the marriage if you are not completely reliant on the other person for your emotional wellbeing.

Anyway yes I kept my maden name but the children have his name. Honestly there was Never really a discussion about me taking his name or the kids getting his it is just what both of us assumed things would be

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 03:12

If you feel like your husband sees you as property for wanting to change your name, there's more problems than just a name change.

In any case, surely there's more than just a name change for why you're getting married isn't there? Don't you get tax breaks and stuff? If a name change is all that you're doing when you sign the certificate then no offense, but why are you getting married.

I agree with PP's, I'd have a talk about what it is that marriage means to you both and what you expect out of each other that you didn't not married. Like how will marriage change your relationship.

Bambambini · 04/08/2014 04:15

I thought about it and we discussed it. I did change my name in the end. My name was common and I don't like my father but did like my husband's unusual name. Aldo thought it would be better if having children to have a shared family name.

But not changing your name makes perfect sense and is your choice.

dalziel1 · 04/08/2014 07:52

I used both names for a while and changed mine completely when DC1 was born. I wanted to have the same surname as my child.

Some people take the double-barrelled route and its an option, but only as long as not everyone does it. Otherwise your grandchildren will have four surnames.

NigellasDealer · 04/08/2014 08:16

yes I wanted to have the same surname as my children that is why I put my name first in the double barrelled name we gave them = then what a pity but his name that very few brits could get their tongue round dropped off. boo hoo.

Sibble · 04/08/2014 08:22

Yes because it was important to me that I had the same name as my children (I didn't have the same name as the rest of my family growing up and it was important to me). However my children all have my maiden name as their middle name. If I didn't have children I wouldn't have changed it.

museumum · 04/08/2014 08:26

My son has my name as middle name. It's a very Scottish thing to do. We don't use it except on passports.

BarbaraPalmer · 04/08/2014 08:29

wish I'd kept mine, and double-barrelled the DC

I changed because my father was an awful person, and I wanted to get rid of his name. I sometimes think about going back to my original name, but really would want to double-barrel the DC if I did so, and I can't be arsed with that.

BonnieBlueButler · 04/08/2014 08:54

I kept my name. There was never any question that I would change it - I don't think we even discussed it. I also walked down the aisle alone. We got married in Vegas so my lovely dad wasn't there, but even if we'd married here I'm not sure I could have put up with the 'giving away' tradition. I also could not have married a man who did not understand that we were marrying as equals and would remain so.

Our children have both our names. Again, there was never any question about this.

Nonconformist34 · 04/08/2014 09:01

I've been married for 6 years, have kept my maiden name and have never regretted it! I am the only one out of all my friends and family who has kept their maiden name but as you can tell from my user name, I don't really conform to the norm!

If you do decide to keep it, be prepared for the comments I had such as "I didn't think you were allowed to do that", or "What's the point in getting married then if you're not going to take his name"?????!!!!

My husband doesn't mind one bit, he even offered to take my surname which was such a touching thing to offer but couldn't ask him to do it. For me, my surname is part of my identity and explains my heritage which I am proud of so for that reason, I was happy for us to both have different surnames.

If and when we do have children, they will be double barrelled or they may take my surname as their second name and they can decide what they want to be.

The only thing I still find confusing is I never know if I'm Miss, Mrs or Ms??? Also, we do get confused when we book tables at restaurants, hotel reservations etc, as we forget who booked it and what name it's under. We normally are Mr and Mrs in hotels as I think it's just easier and also so they don't think I'm my husband's mistress!!!

(Apologies for the long post!)

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/08/2014 09:03

I use both. Professionally, and on a couple of personal bank accounts/shares etc I still have my birth name.

On our joint account and passport/driving licence I have his name. The DC have his name.

So I guess I have two identities - professional/financial, and social.

The main reason we first talked about changing it is that he booked a very nice holiday after we got married in my married name, as he had assumed I would want to change it - we also hadn't talked about it. Actually, I didn't mind, and felt it was sort of about starting a new life together too, so was happy to do it.

But I he had in any way been controlling about me changing it, then that would have another matter.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 09:06

"Some people take the double-barrelled route and its an option, but only as long as not everyone does it. Otherwise your grandchildren will have four surnames"

In that instance, people often pick parts of their name to form the new name, I believe.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/08/2014 09:11

And in answer to the "might as well not get married" it's a legal contract between two parties, which in a lot of countries (eg Spain) does not involve the woman changing her name. You can make the same level of personal/emotional commitment without the legal marriage contract, so I guess it depends on what he/you see the purpose/meaning of marriage to be.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/08/2014 09:15

(Actually don't hold me to Spain - it might be they just double barrel it there, can't remember! I think though that all members of a family end up with different surnames, as I think the woman has her birth name and husband's name double barrelled, the man has his mother and father's names doubled barrelled, and the DC their mother and father's names double barrelled??)

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/08/2014 09:22

Link to the legal differences www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm

And obviously if either of you is religious there is that aspect to be considered as well.

So yes there are reasons to get married that are nothing to do with changing your name.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 04/08/2014 10:23

choos women keep their own name in Spain (which is their father's and mother's names double barrelled) as do the men, and the kids get double barrelled with the parents' first halves. So:

Gabriel Garcia Marquez marries Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, their names stay as is but their son is called Juan Garcia Sanchez.

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