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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Depression related - Is it ever reasonable to walk away?

29 replies

ThisWillSoOutMe · 01/08/2014 15:56

Is there ever a point where it would be considered reasonable to walk away from someone with severe depression?

OP posts:

KnackeredMuchly · 01/08/2014 15:59

Yes I think so. And I had it,for years. And my husband (then bf) stood by me through it. But I hear stories and think "I wouldnt put up with that!"

SqueakySqueak · 01/08/2014 16:00

Whenever you are unhappy and don't see the relationship going anywhere.

This happened with my first boyfriend. He was depressed and clingy. It made me realize I wasn't in for the long haul, so I let him go so he could move on. There's no prizes for self sacrificing. If you think the relationship is worth keeping, stay. If you don't, do him a favor and let go now.

I know it seems hard because it's not something they can help, but.. If you were really compatible, supporting him wouldn't be such a burden.

Latara · 01/08/2014 16:00

Speaking as someone who has Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder - YANBU because to be fair I'd walk away from myself when I am ill... does that make sense?

If it was a partner I'd expect them to do everything to fight the depression eg take their meds & get psychiatric help like I do. But if they didn't bother to do that for me then I'd wonder about whether to walk away.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 01/08/2014 16:02

Yes. When your own sanity is threatened and you just can't take it anymore and the person refuses to help themselves.
I'm not trying to say don't support or empathise people who are unfortunate enough to have it, but it is exhausting for the partner. It's a horrible horrible disease.
sometimes when you have seen the worst of someone for a long time you just stop loving them and have to end it.
tragic

Original poster

ThisWillSoOutMe · 01/08/2014 16:06

Thanks for replies.

The person is (was?) my best friend and it is starting to feel like she is using her depression as an excuse to treat me like shit.

I have had depression myself for many years so I do have a little understanding, although I do know that people's depression is unique to them.

I'm seriously considering distancing myself BUT our DCs are best friends.

I'm screwed really.

OP posts:

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 01/08/2014 16:09

I think that just like any other relationship if the good out weighs the bad you stay, if it doesn't you leave. It's entirely possible to have a happy, good relationship with someone with depression, even if it's difficult at times. But if all you get is difficult times, what's the point?

MozzchopsThirty · 01/08/2014 16:12

The last two guys I dated definately had depression symptoms but wouldn't acknowledge that.

I chose to walk away from both as I have enough of my own issues thanks

chockbic · 01/08/2014 16:17

Depression isn't always treatable or even manageable.

So its up to you whether you can cope or not.

Sallystyle · 01/08/2014 16:22

My husband has severe depression that isn't treatable or manageable.

I haven't walked away yet because the positives of our marriage vastly outweighs the negatives.

If one day, the negatives outweigh the positives or my health and happiness is affected negatively long term then I might have to. I have no plans to do so and I hope I never have to as I love him to bits and can't imagine a life without him, but if I ever feel I can no longer cope I wouldn't judge myself harshly for walking away and he wouldn't judge me either.

wheresthelight · 01/08/2014 16:24

I think it depends on whether you have explained how you are feeling to her.

If you haven't explained tp her how it is affecting you then ywbvu to walk away. If however you have explained several times and nothing changes then I think it would be perfectly fair to explain to her that you can no longer continue to remain friends

Thenapoleonofcrime · 01/08/2014 16:26

I have a good friend who has depression, she wouldn't dream of treating me like shit! In what way? My friend tends to go in on herself and not make contact more than treat me badly- but always always the good times outweigh the times when life is more difficult for her, but then she doesn't seek to make my life more difficult too.

I wouldn't want to have a friend who treated me badly, whatever the reason for it.

Latara · 01/08/2014 16:26

If she is using her depression as an excuse to behave badly then that is not on. I would personally never do that.

KnackeredMuchly · 01/08/2014 16:28

What is she doing?

Viviennemary · 01/08/2014 16:31

Yes I think it would be. You have to think of yourself and your own well being and metal health. Not sure about breaking contact completely and for good. But it is certainly acceptable to step away if you feel it is taking it's toll upon you.

RumPunch · 01/08/2014 16:34

YANBU. I have bipolar and the lows are so bad, I wouldn't stick by me! You've got to think of your own mental health. It'd be very easy to be dragged down.

Original poster

ThisWillSoOutMe · 01/08/2014 16:37

Thanks everyone.

I think I'm just going to step back a little and let her contact me to arrange something.
I was going to meet her today (my suggestion, I saw her a few days ago and she really wanted to chat about things but the kids were around) but she's gone somewhere better else without telling me.

OP posts:

londonrach · 01/08/2014 16:37

Yes if you can't cope with the situation. Unfortunately it can return. I couldn't cope with boyfriend age 19 who went from manic to depression. Depends though if family member maybe distance yourself if struggling yourself. Hugs x

SillyBlueHat · 01/08/2014 17:15

This was me and my best friend 10 years ago. I was the depressed one.

One day she sent me a long email outlining why she didn't want to be my friend and how I had made her feel. It was a shock and I reread that email 100 times, crying each time. The horrible thing about depression is that often you can't see past the end of your nose and even when you know you are doing wrong, you can't help it.
I met with my friend, told her how much I loved and valued her and was thoroughly distraught that she thought so little of me. We talked about my issues and I think she saw the reasons for my behaviour and understood me much better. I promised to change.,.

Depression means that you can't always change your behaviour so over the years my friend stepped back on several occasions but was always there for me.

Your friend needs to recognise her depression and the source of it before she can change her behaviour. For me it was the realisation that my marriage was destroying me. I lost 10 years of my life to depression but have come out the other end of it a very happy, balanced person. My amazing, most treasured friend is still there for me, in fact it's my advice she seeks over others as I am her most level headed friend these days!

It's emotional for me writing this down as I barely recognise the person I was all those years ago. Things would have been worse had those closest to me abandoned me completely.

Bluestocking · 01/08/2014 17:21

Of course it would be reasonable to distance yourself, if the relationship is causing you pain.
You don't say anything about whether she's receiving any kind of treatment for her depression - do you know if she is under the care of a MH professional?

PiperRose · 01/08/2014 17:22

Yes. I did. Yesterday.

limon · 01/08/2014 17:33

Yup. I walked away after 15 (abusive and unhappy) years when I should have done after six months. I hope others can learn from my experience!

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/08/2014 17:34

I suffer from it and had to cut a friend out of my life because she had it too. The problem was she did nothing to help herself. She never gave medication more than a few days to work before giving it up, wouldn't humour me and try CBT, don't even get me started on meditation or exercise. Sorry but I'd worked really fucking hard to get to where I was in terms of recovery and one phone converation with her would set me back weeks. It was exhausting.

Yanbu.

Original poster

ThisWillSoOutMe · 01/08/2014 17:56

Thanks everyone.

She's had CBT, but her sessions have ended. She has ADs, but doesn't always take them.

I guess I'm just feeling like I've failed her, but I'm coming off ADs myself (after 10yrs!) and I could do without being made to feel like a shit.

OP posts:

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/08/2014 20:36

You haven't failed her. You've been there for her through some tough times for which you don't feel hugely appreciated. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Look after yourself.

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/08/2014 20:37

You haven't failed her. You've been there for her through some tough times for which you don't feel hugely appreciated. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Look after yourself.

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