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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a sobbing mess because DC have gone away for two weeks?

27 replies

OvertiredandConfused · 25/07/2014 21:50

DC are 10 and 12. Just dropped them at the airport, with my parents, sister and her brood (to whom they're very close as her DC are similar ages). They're going away for two weeks holiday while DH and I stay home to work.

DC have been excited and I know they'll have a great time but they were sobbing so much when I left. I'm still crying now. Longest they've been away before is four nights.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
TheLovelyBoots · 25/07/2014 21:52

I would be a combination of mess/exhilaration. How could this be selfish? Completely normal. Have fun!

trashcanjunkie · 25/07/2014 22:03

Now c'mon! They will be fine, they're gonna have an ace time, and you are going to remember what life was like before they came... in a good way. No need to rush straight home from work, you can call dp and go out for impromptu dinners, glasses of wine, in little pavement cafes, on the weekend, sleep late, eat cakey bread products and drink good coffee and shag til midday, or get up early and bugger off for a day out somewhere just lovely and grown up, and not worry about getting back in time for... anything.

I say all this as a single parent, and although my eldest (who's now left home) was with me constantly growing up, my twins, who're nine, have always gone to stay with their dad since they were tiny tots. Now they have younger brothers at his place they spent large chunks of time away from home - during the summer hols we often do a week at a time each. At first I felt lost, but now I have a whale of a time, being ME, not just someones mum. You are a person in your own right. Go and find out who she is Grin

Teddybeau1988 · 25/07/2014 22:05

Yanbu. DD went camping with her Cub pack last weekend. I managed to find 2 items reasons to drop off to her. I felt like I was missing a limb with her not here

Delphiniumsblue · 25/07/2014 22:06

A completely normal feeling, but they will have a great time, you have the opportunity to try different things and you will all be refreshed and thrilled to see each other at the end. Win/win all the way!

Everard · 25/07/2014 22:07

Not selfish at all. I would be gutted to pass my children over to have a wonderful holiday without me and dh. For me, holidays are all about being together with all my family.

Sorry, that probably isn't helping but I don't want you to think your tears are selfish. IMO they are perfectly understandable.

Now, the fact is, they have left now. You did a marvellously selfless thing letting them go when you and dh have to work. To make the days go quickly and to give you positive memories of the time, you need to make sure you and dh do a few things that you normally find hard to do with the children around: a meal out together maybe, rampant sex in the kitchen, time at the gym, whatever floats your boat.

Hebburnisaplaceonearth · 25/07/2014 22:10

Selfish would be sobbing on the phone to them telling them how much you miss them. Having a cry to yourself is completely reasonable!
Why don't you plan a nice surprise for when they get back? Plus enjoy some time with your DH while you can and remind each other why you had those lovely children Grin

combust22 · 25/07/2014 22:15

I agree with everard- not selfish, but not something we would do as a family. Kids would miss us and we would miss them too much. All families are different though.

popmimiboo · 25/07/2014 22:17

Similar here too. 14 and 12 year old abroad with friends for a week with no wifi and it's torture. 8 year old away with grandparents but facetiming and imessaging me every 5 minutes so not so bad but it's still hard. Like missing a limb or three :-(
And D bloody H seems to think it's great!

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 25/07/2014 22:19

We have a two week family holiday planned for when they get back - so they have a whole month of holidays!

I'm sure I'll settle once I hear they've landed and arrived safely at their villa. But still sobbing now and furious with DH who dealt with it all by spending 30 minutes on the phone to his DM and then blaming me because he bought the wrong train ticket

OP posts:
Ragwort · 25/07/2014 22:19

All families are different though - too right, my DS is away for a few days and I am relishing the time alone Blush. these sorts of threads always make me feel guilty in that I actually enjoy my own company and am delighted my DS is old enough and confident enough to go off with friends.

combust22 · 25/07/2014 22:25

ragwort- glad you are having a good time.

We don't get to spend much time as a famiily, OH often works away and very long hours- I work weekends and DC are always busy with activities. It's rare that we even sit down to eat a meal together - a day out is a rare thing. So holidays are very precious to us.

CremeEggThief · 25/07/2014 22:32

My DS is currently away for a week at Scout Camp, which has mostly been fine, but I'm not looking forward to him going away for a fortnight with his dad next month. I'm going to try to keep as busy as I can, but as I've recently been diagnosed with CFS and I'm returning to full-time work in September, this won't be much.

Ragwort · 25/07/2014 22:38

Combust - I expect we probably spend too much time together as a family Grin - although DH does some travelling with work he is based at home, I only work three days (often weekends though) and just having an 'only' child means that we are quite centred on supporting his activities all the time so it is nice to have a break Grin.

Everard · 25/07/2014 22:44

I don't mind my children having a few nights away from me. I miss them, even if only one goes, I will miss the one, but I enjoy the freedom I have without them too.

What I meant was, I wouldn't want my children going on holiday without me if that was their only holiday for that year. Now that I see the OP has said they are going away as a family in a couple of weeks, I think that puts a different complexion on things. I am sure once you hear that they are safely arrived and having fun, you will be able to start enjoying a little me time. Smile

bringonyourwreckingball · 25/07/2014 22:45

But if you work what option do you have? Holiday with family vs holiday club I'd choose family every day. If you work you can't take the full 6 wkd off so you do the best you can, surely ?

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 25/07/2014 23:51

That was our view wreckingball and I'm sure it is right. Just didn't appreciate how hard I'd find it. But DH and I have to work.

OP posts:
Patsyandeddie · 26/07/2014 01:18

Enjoy yourself, they will!!

wobblyweebles · 26/07/2014 03:05

You're not selfish. You're incredibly generous letting them go away without you.

Can you Facetime they while they're away?

Delphiniumsblue · 26/07/2014 06:59

The selfish thing would be not to let them go! There are parents like that!

MarmiteMania · 26/07/2014 07:21

I have had lots of experience 'letting go' when they were little as I am divorced from their father. Whatever the situation, it's always hardest the very first time. When they're back having had a fab time, you'll kick yourself for wasting the time missing them and not completely switching off!

afterthought · 26/07/2014 08:09

When I was 11 my mum sent me off with her friends to Florida for 2 weeks. I had a whale of time. As an adult I appreciate what she did so much - as a single parent she couldn't have afforded for me to go and I'm so glad she let me go rather than insisting that I only did 'big things' with her. Also I have massive respect for her friends for doing such a nice thing. Although you will miss them, your children will never forget you putting their needs / wants first and giving them the opportunity to do such things. Enjoy your time :)

combust22 · 26/07/2014 08:28

I suppose it also depends on the child, the level of attachment and what close relationships they have with other adults. I have no family except a frail disabled elderly mother, so no aunties in-laws to take my kids on holiday. Although my kids have great friends I wouldn't have felt comfortable about themgoing abroad with their friend's parents.

A couple of time my kids have become ill on holiday, nothing too serious, d&v, ear infection etc, and I know that at these times they only wanted Mummy for comfort. Nothing else would do. In a foreign country in strange surroundings and being poorly is pretty miserable. These few times showed me how much I was needed to support and reassure.

If my kids were very close to other family members then perhaps they would have been able to comfort, but I know friends wouldn't have been able to.

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 26/07/2014 16:47

My DC both have strong bonds with my folks so that will be okay, I'm sure.

I'm now faced with the reality of home life with them away - and it's not pretty. DH has withdrawn completely - being quite unpleasant actually - and certainly doesn't seem up for the idea of us making the most of time without the responsibility of DC. And, in turn, I don't actually want to be with him at the moment. I've spent most of the day mainly holding back tears and he is so detached. At no point since they left has he offered any comfort. Not even in a jokey "pull yourself together" kind of way.

Not sure what to do really.

OP posts:
indigo18 · 26/07/2014 17:36

Do you think DH is missing them too, but not able to show it? I think you have been very unselfish; they will have a great time!
I remember when the DTs went on a camping trip from school, aged about 8; I insisted that DH drove us to near where they were camped and I found a bridge from which I could observe them having a great time in canoes on the river...

Fairylea · 26/07/2014 18:08

They'll have a great time. I know how it feels though... Every year my dd now aged 11 goes to spend half the summer holidays with her dad in the USA. She's out there now having flown out yesterday and I won't see her for 3 weeks now. She has a fabulous time. I have trained myself to think of her as being 8 hours away rather than thousands of miles away! (8 hour flight).

I have ds aged 2 to keep me company. (Since remarried).