AIBU to worry that I've been doing play dates wrong for years?

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Day 1 of the summer holidays and ds1 and dd both have friends round to play (the friends are brother & sister too, so it works well). Their grandmother dropped them off this morning and handed over a lovely bottle of wine to say thanks.

Is that the done thing? I usually just hand over the Smalls and leg it shouting "freeeedoooommmmm" as I go

The grandmother is Italian, if that makes a difference (doubt it does, but don't want to risk drip-feeding!).

I'm quite worried that I'm now inadvertently very rude for, at most, taking round some biscuits and assorted snacks for the children to have when they go to someone's house for the day.

No never. As far as I know the only done thing is to reciprocate.

I almost always take a bottle of wine for sleepovers. Playdates, no.

Gave boxes of chocolates for sleepovers before. Nothing for play dates.

I never sent wine.

Nope, no wine or chocs for play dates. Just an unspoken agreement that the favour will be returned.

I would assume that means they have no intention of reciprocating but don't want to be rude :o

Does she think you are doing her a favour looking after the kids in the holidays?

If the parents or g/p work it may well be a huge help, but they may not be able to reciprocate in working days.

Holidays can be a nightmare for working parents, and you've likely saved them £100 for a day in a holiday club...so they're probably hoping you'll make a habit of inviting them!

Either that or they won it in the end of term raffle and wanted rid ;)

This reminds me of Eddie Izzard, "crossed the road? Champagne!".

Are you having them the whole day? Maybe that is it?

I've only ever given sweet /biscuits /ice lollies

Not the whole entire day; 9am to 4pm. Mum & dad both work while the grandmother looks after them. Maybe she does see it as a favour then.... I'm not complaining anyway; it looks like vair naice wine!

How old are the visitors?

The grandma probably doesn't think she'd cope with all 4, I'd definitely see it as wine instead of return invite, and perhaps her kids just played casually with neighbors so the whole "playdate" thing is alien to her. Nice gesture as long as you wrren't hanging out for the child free/ reduced number of children day in return!

I always take chocolates/biscuits if I'm going with, oor if the kids are gong on their own then sweets to share. Bottle of wine or bunch of flowers for sleepovers. And I always reciprocate.

Ooh I've never sent a thing for sleepovers! Shocked that it's the thing! I do send sweets or choc for the DC though.

Here in Germany if parent is invited to stay they always take something, but that's totally different as you are going for coffee and cake, and guest brings at least some of the cake... once chlldren are 5 or so adults only stay if they are actually friends who'd visit each other without kids, nobody stays to "accompany" (which was problematic for me when I had a shy 6 year old who other parents expected would be cheerfully dropped at the door without fuss).

The only time anyone sent food gifts to a drop pff play date she was trying to set up a de facto arrangement where I'd mind her kids one full day a week for nothing, including no reciprocation. I would have minded less if the kids had not climbed onto my kitchen counters to get food out of my cupboards (despite having been fed and offered snacks the same as my kids - the family size pack of crisps was too tempting) and if I had invited both of them - in fact only one of her kids was friends with one of mine, and the other was sent as a tag along.

Never given anything for sleepovers, only for childcare favours (and I only ask favours of non-family when there is no paid childcare available for whatever reason, and it's always on the understanding that I'll reciprocate when they next need it). No-one else has ever given me anything for sleepovers either so I'm rather hoping that I haven't been doing it wrong but that our local norms are different! Sleepovers are two-a-penny round here though - more like play dates were in year 1 rather than a special occasion.

I think I've sent biscuits if someone has been really kind when they didn't have to be - e.g. offer to take my dc without me asking, just because they know I work, on a teacher strike day.

But generally reciprocation is fine with no gifts.

Oh god, really?

I've been doing it wrong for years too if so.

What with this and the thank you notes after a party which i don't do either ...

I've never heard of it before, DS has only been on a couple of playdates and I've reciprocated. Sometimes I give the mum some money to get kids ice cream/juice or send some snacks for them to share.

It's usually only my cousin's house he goes to though so we are familiar enough that it's not seen as a massive favour.

I don't think you've been doing it wrong, they probably just want to do something nice for you since, being the grandparents it's not as likely they can reciprocate for you the way the parents would