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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking I was intentionally groped by an old man?

20 replies

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert · 17/06/2014 00:53

This happened a few weeks ago and is still really bothering me.
I was walking through a shopping centre and this old boy was walking towards me. He looked frail but was staring directly at me. I moved to the side to let him walk past but I kept my eye on him as his direct eye contact had unsettled me. As he was almost level with me he suddenly seemed to stumble, and staggered towards me - by now I was against the wall so there was no where for me to move away to. The collision was inevitable, but as he made contact with me both of his out-turned hands grabbed my breasts...
I was horrified, wanted to shout out at him but thought that if I turned on this old boy I would be attacked so I pushed him away and walked on. But it is still really upsetting me. I expected him to fall against me but his body made no contact other than his hands on my breasts. I feel really violated but also bad that if I told anyone they would be sympathetic to him as he was an old boy and no-one would believe me and think it was just an accident. But it really did happen!

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 17/06/2014 01:28

Old man or not, I would have pushed him off and probably had something to say about it. You can't accidentally land two hands perfectly on a woman's breasts like that.

He's doing it because he knew he could get away with it.

catsofa · 17/06/2014 02:18

I believe you, and a lot of other women would too, having had similar stuff happen. Sorry you're still thinking about it Sad. What a massive bastard.

I wonder if you could dislodge the hold that the memory now has on you by imagining alternative outcomes. Not that you could have done anything differently at the time in real life, but...

...imagine he didn't realise there was a bollard right nearby just at his crotch height and accidentally walked right into it just while lunging for your breasts.

...imagine a security guard had been chasing him for shoplifting and you could grab him so the guard could rugby tackle him to the floor, clap him in handcuffs and haul him off to some nice piss-smelling underground cells.

...imagine if you just decked him, and everyone around you cheered and congratulated you.

There is a recent thread somewhere about ideas for revenge, if you want more ideas.

mimishimmi · 17/06/2014 02:54

YANBU. It's not uncommon for male dementia patients to act completely inappropriately, even toward female family members. That unsettling stare beforehand is a key sign and I'd warrant he had it. They lose that 'social filter' as part of the condition. Still very upsetting of course.

Sleepysheepsleeping · 17/06/2014 03:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 17/06/2014 03:54

YANBU

Something very similar happened to me about 8 years ago. I was even pushing DD2 in her pushchair at the time!

The man was with someone else (another man) who apologised to me and told me he had stumbled as he had Parkinson's. I believe he did have Parkinson's and think he probably did stumble. But the way he grabbed my breasts and pushed his body against mine was most certainly deliberate. It was as I've said 8 years ago but still incredibly vivid - as I read your title it came flooding back to me.

I really like the suggestion of imagining other outcomes. That's great advice.

Its a pretty shitty thing to have happened to you and I agree its made worse by knowing you would have had trouble being taken seriously had you made too much 'fuss'.

You are unlikely to forget it. But equally, if my own experience is anything to go by, you won't always be upset by it.

JamNan · 17/06/2014 04:27

As Princess says: He's doing it because he knew he could get away with it.

Report it to the police and the security people at the shopping centre. They might know if he has done this to other women and should still have the cctv images.

It is frightening and makes you feel vulnerable.

Dirty bastard. yanbu

AlpacaPicnic · 17/06/2014 07:09

Ah yes the old 'whoops I'm falling and I need to grab your breasts to keep me upright' manoeuvre.
Happened to me when I was a young teen. I wish I'd had the balls to say something to someone who worked in the shop we were in. I was just embarrassed and not sure if it was deliberate or not... I should have listened to my instincts.
Report it. Please. Just in case.

Marylou62 · 17/06/2014 08:24

At 20 years old and a nanny, the grandfather used to take the baby off me and get in a good grope. (he came daily and I had a feeling he did it to grope me!) I didn't know what to do/say. It was horrible and I too felt violated. I used to put baby down so he couldn't take her off me. Dirty old man and it still makes me shudder...He even rubbed his skinny legs against mine if we happen to sit down. I left. Report it and as another poster said, it might be on cctv. Don't let it get to you though.

whatever5 · 17/06/2014 08:55

YANBU. As someone else has said, I think that he might have had dementia.

TurtleyAmazing · 17/06/2014 09:44

I believe you, I've had something similar happen to me although the elderly man didn't try to dress it up as an accident he just out right groped my breasts in front of a pub full of people, asking me if i was going to take him home.

In fact quite a few elderly men have over stepped the mark with me over the years. I think because they are 'old' some feel that they can get away with these things and your OP proves that they can.

taccure · 17/06/2014 09:56

Would you want to take any action? If it was a shopping centre they might have cctv

mimishimmi · 17/06/2014 10:02

Yes, dementia doesn't mean it's acceptable. For all you know, he might be getting left there each day by a family member who needs to go to work and he's doing it to lots of women. It's not that they don't know it's wrong when they get dementia, they do, they just lose inhibition about adhering to social norms. Something to do with frontal lobe? Report it to the center and see if they have it on CCTV. Chances are they already know about it though... :(

Crinkle77 · 17/06/2014 10:40

There was an old man that used to come in to my sisters work who was in a mobility scooter that used to touch up the girls. People would assume that he a harmless and defenceless old man when in fact he was an old perve.

QweenCnut · 17/06/2014 11:35

Disagree that he might have had dementia. People with dementia would struggle with the thought processes of pretending to stumble then grabbing your breasts. The lack of inhibition that comes with dementia would mean that he would just grab your breasts without making it seem like an accident.

Original poster
PricillaQueenOfTheDessert · 17/06/2014 23:10

Thank you so much for your messages. I was worried that I was over-reacting. I need to forget about it now, he got his cheap thrill and yes, I agree with you that it is unlikely it was a one-off. Dirty old bastard.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 17/06/2014 23:20

Dh grandfather used to try to turn a polite greeting kiss into a snog . Only did this to me . Was so annoying how revered he was - all the cousins weeping away at his funeral he died at 94. When in fact he was a rude mean selfish perve. Just because someone happens to be a grandfather doesn't make them deserving of affection

passmethewineplease · 17/06/2014 23:31

YANBU OP.

You're not overreacting.

Where I used to work we had a regular customer who was a complete perv, made crude jokes, used to practically stare at you. I once had a hair on my name badge and he leaned over and brushed past my breasts and got it. It made me feel sick.still makes me shudder now so please don't think you're being OTT.

Hamuketsu · 17/06/2014 23:34

YANBU. In my case it's the arse but I've been routinely groped by a 90-yr-old family acquaintance for a while now. (Not a blood relation, no signs of dementia.) I recently spoke up and a family member is reacting as if I'm making too much of a minor issue. To me, it isn't minor. Regardless of age, I'm getting my arse felt by a man without my consent - it's also triggering for me because of childhood experiences which this particular family member knows about and enabled.

I agree with posters that suggest reporting it. Either he's a genuine opportunistic pervert - perverts get old, too - or he may be suffering from a condition that renders both himself and other women vulnerable.

KarinMurphy · 17/06/2014 23:53

You poor thing. At a friend's wedding her Grandfather, who was in his 80's, gave me a kiss on the cheek and at the last second turned his head and tried to slip me some tongue. Apparently I wasn't the only one he tried it with.

Some men are just creepy pervs and carry on being creepy pervs as they age.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/06/2014 07:01

This reminds me of something my mother told me from when she worked in an OAP home.

Most of the "gentlemen" there did this, but because they were in the minority it was seen as a quirk and inoffensive as in "don't worry, he doesn't mean it, he does it to all the carers"

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