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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to coming on holiday?

22 replies

summersanta · 13/06/2014 17:00

Long story cut short in a nutshell. 5 families going on holiday in the summer to Spain, renting a house. Old friends so we will be 9 adults and 12 children. 1 friend split from DH as he had had a 6 month affair and they have been living apart for 18months. 3 small dc. He was obviously not included in holiday. About 3 months ago they had started seeing each other again and thinking about making things work...lots of therapy etc. Then a few weeks ago friend floated the idea how would we feel if DH were to now come on holiday. They are spending lots of time together, children would love it etc.....Just wondering what your reaction would be? Obviously want to help friend out but is this too soon and counselling on our special holiday. What would you say?

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/06/2014 17:02

It's not your choice to decide on whether it is too early or not, surely if as one of the adults she wants to bring her husband, she should be allowed to?

AlpacaLypse · 13/06/2014 17:04

I think with five families in total any strain that occurs can be shared between all of you quite easily. I'd have reservations if there were only a couple of other adults to catch the fallout from any difficulties that might brew up due to too much cheap red wine, sunshine and heartfelt conversations.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 13/06/2014 17:05

It's their relationship. If she can forgive him it'll be more supportive if they are accepted by their friends. Maybe suggest they would be better going on a family holiday on their own for first one after their reconciliation.

magpiegin · 13/06/2014 17:05

I don't think it's your call. It's up to her to decide if she wants him to come.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 13/06/2014 17:06

I understand your concern, but it really isn't your place to say whether or not he should go.

ikeaismylocal · 13/06/2014 17:06

I don't think it's anything to do with you!

A holiday whilst looking after 3 small children alone is not going to be much fun.

I think you should support your friend's decision.

ikeaismylocal · 13/06/2014 17:08

Also if it's 5 families and 9 adults I assume she would be the only single adult? That in itself would be hard and hard for her children to see all the other kids having fun with their dads.

Bearbehind · 13/06/2014 17:08

Why would you say no?

It's not your decision.

She's a grown woman who has chosen to try and make the relationship with the father of her 3 children work.

That's nothing to do with you and you don't have a say in who else shares her bed on the holiday.

Original poster

summersanta · 13/06/2014 17:17

Thank you all, really useful to get some perspective on this, I think I agree with you it is just pressure from others that made me think I don't know what to say, I think it is right that he will be diluted if things got tricky there is numbers.....

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 13/06/2014 17:22

If they're old friends then you should support their family. There may be minor difficulties, but surely you'd be prepared to put yourself out for them a bit?

I agree it's not your call, and if you said no anyway, you would come across badly.

mommy2ash · 13/06/2014 19:30

i dont think its anyones business but her own. she has three small children and would be the only single adult. have the other families raised a concern about him coming?

HexBramble · 13/06/2014 20:00

It's her call, and no one else's.
She's an adult.

pictish · 13/06/2014 20:02

Agree with everyone else...up to them entirely.

Joysmum · 13/06/2014 20:05

I would say that if she thinks it is ok then you'll support it.

On the other hand, she might think it's too soon and he might have asked her to ask but she's hoping for a no.

Noway to know without talking to your friend.

ICanSeeTheSun · 13/06/2014 20:13

I don't care about friends partners, I will always bite my tongue and support a friend.

I know not all relationships are abusive or wrong, but I feel if I support a friend regardless if things go tits up they know where to come for support.

CrapBag · 13/06/2014 20:39

I agree with everyone else.

Its their relationship and no one else's. If she wants him there, then that is up to her. I hope the others aren't going to be petty and be mean on holiday though. That could change the dynamic, same as if you all turn around to your friend and say "actually, we know you are working through it but we don't want him to come" she will probably turn more on you lot than her DP.

The group need to be adult about it and go along with what she wants to do and be civil to him should he come.

FoodieToo · 13/06/2014 20:45

I don't see why you would have any say in this OP. She is an adult,talking about bringing along her husband,dad of these kids.

What has it got to do with you? Is it ok with her if you bring your husband along?

Fail to see the issue, I may be missing something?

thenightsky · 13/06/2014 20:53

I'd say yes.

ENormaSnob · 13/06/2014 21:42

Do ot.

Then drown the fucker.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/06/2014 22:15

Personally, I would feel uncomfortable being the captive audience to their unfolding story.

The other four families were choosing to holiday with this now-single female friend. They are now being asked to holiday with a couple at a crisis point on their relationship.

I disagree that the other four families should just suck it up. It's their holiday too, and they might not want to spend time with this bloke, being careful of what they say, walking on eggshells. How very fucking relaxing!

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 13/06/2014 22:21

Whereyouleftit....sorry but I think that's just horrible.

From what Santa has said the couple seem to be investing a lot in giving their relationship a second chance: if I were among the other adults in the party it would totally ruin it for me if I knew that I hadn't given them every possible support in this and forced the 10th adult to stay at home in case it spoilt things for me. And I'm not even that nice...just seems like a no-brainer to me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2014 16:30

stephenmanaganiseverywhere - maybe it is, but this holiday has the potential to be far far more horrible for all involved.

Look at the details here :

They've been separated for 18 months, following a 6 month affair.
They only started "thinking about making things work" three months ago. They've not moved back in together or anything, they're 'thinking about it'.

If they are serious about getting back together then maybe a holiday together might be a good idea, but with four other families there? All knowing the background, probably a few of them have comforted the wife with 'of course you did the right thing throwing him out, the bastard'? All the adults walking on eggshells trying not to say anything that could be taken the wrong way? Everyone feeling supersensitive about everything any other adult says, dissecting it for meaning?

Totally stupid idea.

And to all those saying that it's not summersanta's call - it absolutely IS her call who she goes on holiday with. In her shoes I would suggest to the friend that she and her H/DC should go on a private holiday together. Just appending him to the planned joint holiday is going to make him feel under scrutiny (because let's face it, he will be) and cause all sort of stresses; to him, her and everyone. IMO it is more likely to end their marriage once and for all.

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