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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel my ds isn't safe at school

40 replies

farewellfigure · 30/04/2014 17:50

My ds is in yr1. In the last term, he's had baked beans and squash put in his hair, he's been pinched very hard on his privates, and on Monday he was hit very hard in the face with a skittle and had to go to the office in floods of tears. It was the same boy that did it each time.

I know that the boy in question has behavioural problems although he hasn't been diagnosed with anything. He constantly misbehaves and causes untold disruption to the class, to the extent that on one occasion the rest of the children had to be removed from the room as it was felt he was behaving in such an unsafe manner. I don't think the teachers have any control over him whatsoever. If they try to tell him off, he hides under the desk and laughs at them.

I don't want this to sound as though it's an attack on the other child as it must be just awful for the family and I really don't want to cause them any problems. I just don't know what to do next. I did approach the teacher after the pinching episode so she knows I'm not happy.

What do I do next? I've told ds to walk away if anything happens. I've refrained from telling him not to play with the child as I think that just sounds awful. I'm not even sure that ds is being particularly targeted by the other boy. I just think he's completely out of control. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 30/04/2014 17:54

I would put everything in writing to the HT, first ask for a copy of their anti bullying policy and safeguarding policy.
Ask for a meeting to discuss how they are going to safeguard your child.

This may be the only way the other child will get the help/support/assessment/statement he needs.

Photograph and document any injuries and make sure you take your DS to your GP if he is injured so that this can be put in his medical records.

Finally, be prepared to take your DC out of the school if the school/HT turn out to be absolutely useless.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 30/04/2014 17:58

Thanks 3littlefrogs. Just to complicate matters the school has just gone into special measures and the acting head has been there for 2 weeks. The timing couldn't be worse. However I think you're right about the anti bullying policy and safeguarding policy. I'll look into it. I'll book a meeting with his teacher tomorrow.

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 30/04/2014 18:00

Ask for the boy to be moved to another class?

Original poster
farewellfigure · 30/04/2014 18:02

Sadly there's only one class. I really don't think ds is being targeted though. I think the other boy is probably similar with all the children. Or my ds is just unlucky.

OP posts:
IDugUpADiamond · 30/04/2014 18:03

farewellfigure I would have thought that the school being in special measures and the acting head being there only 2 weeks might work on your favour. Make as much noise about it as possible and document everything, formally complain if necessary. They'll want this sorted as they're under such scrutiny.

Your poor DS Sad

Original poster
farewellfigure · 30/04/2014 18:06

Thanks! I hadn't thought of it that way. I can be a bit of a wet blanket sometimes and don't like upsetting people or causing a fuss, but in this instance I need to stand up for my ds. I get really nervous that one day the child is going to go too far and cause a really nasty injury.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 30/04/2014 18:10

There was a child like this at Ds's school. It took a particularly bad incident for him to be excluded (in year 6). I took DS out because it was so bad and the HT was hopeless. The child needed help, but because his mother was a VIP nobody dared say or do anything.

As far as I know he eventually served time for ABH after leaving school.

parentalunit · 30/04/2014 18:20

That is awful, your poor son. Wish I had suggestions, but I don't.

Pheonixisrising · 30/04/2014 18:23

farewell please speak to the HT and if necessary put it in writing to protect your son and the other children theschoolwouldprobablysecretlythank--you

to evacuate a class for a year 1's behaviour is pretty extreme tbh , so it must have been bad .

you are not picking on anyone , you are doing your job as a mother

Pheonixisrising · 30/04/2014 18:24

major strike out error Confused

Original poster
farewellfigure · 30/04/2014 19:46

Love the strike out error. It looked very impressive.

Apparently the teachers couldn't persuade the boy to come out from under a table and he was acting erratically. The rest of the class all had to go into the lunch hall. I was pretty horrified. Some of my friends are very friendly with the boy's mum so I don't like to moan about it too much. Also their dcs don't seem to get injured or into scrapes with him like mine does. I get the impression they think I'm over-reacting. I don't really mention it to them so much any more. I do feel desperately sorry for his mum as I know she wouldn't want any of this to be happening. He needs support but apparently it would cost a fortune to get him statemented (is that the right word?) so it just hasn't happened.

OP posts:
DIYapprentice · 30/04/2014 19:53

I've been in a similar situation - my line with DS is that if someone hurts you, then they are not being your friend. You don't have to play with children who are not your friends.

You have an acting head - get in there and see him/her asap. Schools under special measures have access to extra funds to get them out of special measures - they may be able to access some of this.

Mildpanic · 30/04/2014 20:00

Your poor ds. He really shouldn't have to feel threatened and at risk when in school.
The other boy sounds very troubled and I fear nobody is doing him any favours in glossing over incidents.
I would have another word with the teacher and the head together but I would also put in a complaint in writing. In doing this they will have to formally act, the governors will have to look into it. It will be the best way to get the proper action to help this boy and minimise his unruly behaviour.
Schools seem so reluctant to get help for individual pupils sometimes but they do have access to educational psychologists, however they do have to pay a fee for this.
I would act now. You need to prioritise your sons school experience before it becomes a real issue and he won't go to school.

Hassled · 30/04/2014 20:06

The school has a duty of care to all the children in school. And you might actually be helping them out by putting your concerns in writing - it might help them to get the additional support for the child they clearly need. So don't hold back - you're concerned for your child's well-being following X, Y and Z incidents, they breached their Anti-Bullying Policy on X, Y and Z occasions and you'd like some reassurance that your child will be safe at school.

Ghostsdonttalk · 30/04/2014 20:09

Ds had a behaviour problem it was due to a speech & language issues. We backed the school fully. If any parent came to me I told them to speak to Head Teacher.

Ds now has support he needs through a statement. He no longer hurts his friends. He is now a happy thriving little boy.

All of the evidence was used by the school as support for the statement.

As a parent it was bloody awful in Year 1 but I have no problem with anyone who complained, nor does the school. It was bloody awful for the teacher too.

Ghostsdonttalk · 30/04/2014 20:15

I wish there was a different way to do it. Year 1 was bloody awful for Ds too. One of the first things he tells me every day is how happy he is now.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 30/04/2014 20:17

Thank you so much ghostsdonttalk. That was really helpful to see it from the other side. The other boy's mum is probably desperate to get some help.

And thank you DIYapprentice. I like the phrase 'someone who hurts you is not your friend' very much. I really struggle with telling him not to play with someone as I tried to imagine how I would feel if someone said not to play with DS. Telling him what you said is much much better.

I will talk to his teacher tomorrow and hopefully get some help.

OP posts:
Ghostsdonttalk · 30/04/2014 20:25

Be careful with the other Mum. Deal with the school. The other mum should not know who complained. She could in Denial.

Looking back I can see how it all worked out. At the time I was just devastated for my child.

Pheonixisrising · 30/04/2014 20:52

Ahem , other pupils do not get targeted and they are friendly with the boys mum??? I wonder why
Do not talk to the mother , always go through the right channels
You don't have to tell a soul other than the school
Yes it is expensive and very , very , very time consuming to get a statement , however that's not your issue or problem
Your son is your priority , you are not judging anybody

DIYapprentice · 30/04/2014 21:16

I know, I found it really hard as well. I wanted to tell DS 'stay away from that boy!!!!!' but couldn't.

So I started to use that phrase.

I also sent him to a martial arts club for children, where they taught about respect and some self defence and although DS is still unable to 'defend' himself against this sort of behaviour completely, he is a lot better at it now.

I also had to use different phraseology as DS is a stickler for the rules. When the other boy was pinching him (very slow, deliberate pinches) I told him to push his hand away - 'But we're not allowed to push at school, mummy'....... sigh..... - Ok, sweetheart, why don't you just 'sweep' his hand away then so his hand isn't pinching you anymore, and then he won't be breaking the school rules either.

I got very good at using different terms for everyday contact!!!!!!

Keep talking to the teacher, talk to the head, just keep talking. Don't get angry they'll just get defensive, but there's nothing wrong with getting upset, they need to see how upsetting it is for you.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 01/05/2014 09:14

Thank you for all the support and ideas. Weirdly, I heard this morning that the family have moved half an hour away. At the moment they are driving to the school each day for continuity, but will probably find a new school in September. It looks as though the whole problem may be resolved in a way I wasn't expecting. I also spoke to the teacher today and she said she is aware of what's going on and is monitoring the situation. Hopefully the rest of this term will be uneventful.

OP posts:
DeWee · 01/05/2014 09:36

One of my dc had a child in reception and beginning part of year 1 for whom they had to evacuate the room a couple of times. (actually the class thought it was very exciting and great fun!)

Eventually the head (with discussions and agreement with the parents) excluded him permanently. That then speeded up the LA to find help for him. He was shortly afterwards diagnosed with something (can't remember exactly, but LA was fighting all suggestions of help needed until this happened) and went to a special school. He kept in contact with the school and when they had special events (like assemblies etc) he would come back with his 1-to-1 carer and see them all. Last time I saw him, he was doing very well.

Original poster
farewellfigure · 01/05/2014 10:17

That was a great outcome them DeWee. It's always sad for a child to be excluded but it sounds as though he got the help he needed. It must be very hard for the parents when they know something needs to be done but the school is failing to support them.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 01/05/2014 10:43

It must be very hard for the parents when they know something needs to be done but the school is failing to support them.

I know a few parents of the child who is lashing out and they have been grateful when other parents complained in an appropriate manner. It can be used as evidence in a statutory assessment.

A term is a long time for a small child who feels vulnerable. If these incidents continue, keep complaining and do it formally, in writing. The staff have a duty of care to both children and, if they need to invest more staff time in supervising him in order to meet that need, they must find the money and do it.

Your DS has the right to be safe now, not just in September.

Bardette · 01/05/2014 10:44

I think that it's fine to tell your son that he doesn't have to play with this boy or indeed anyone who is hurting him. It doesn't have to be permanent, when my ds was in a similar situation I told him to tell the other child that he didn't want to play because he was hurting him and to go and find someone else to play with, but that if the other child wanted to be kind and play nicely then that was fine.
It's good for your son to practice being assertive and it's good for the other child to hear that he is hurting others and that this has a consequence.