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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let dd stay with mil?

23 replies

Siouxsie76 · 21/04/2014 21:23

Dd is 7 and very quiet and well behaved. My mil and fil are keen to have her for a few days over the summer hols but won't also have my d's (3). They have never been that keen on small children and Ds can be a bit stubborn and grumpy. They live a 2 hours drive away. I know ds will be really upset if dd goes and he doesn't.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 21/04/2014 21:25

It depends whether he'll get a chance to when he's older IMO.

Doubtfuldaphne · 21/04/2014 21:26

I think its a bit unfair for them to choose one and not the others but if she wants to go then she should be allowed.

usualsuspectt · 21/04/2014 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

legoballoon · 21/04/2014 21:29

I suppose it depends on how you present his big sister's trip to your DS. If it's that she is being 'looked after' whilst you two do something more fun, it might be an opportunity for you and he to spend a little time together.

Although you might feel that your DS is being, in some way, rejected, it might simply be that your in-laws find looking after a younger child very tiring, or too much of a responsibility. If that is the case, why not suggest that you bring them both along and stay over to help at crunch times, but leave them altogether for a couple of hours in the afternoon whilst you go for a swim or shopping or whatever. That way they might develop more of a bond and more confidence with both of your DCs.

BadRoly · 21/04/2014 21:30

I would let her. My mil won't have my youngest and will only have the older 2 one at a time. But it means they get her full attention and she plans everything around what they want to do.

On the flip side, my mum much prefers having the younger 2 either together or apart as she has trained then exactly to where she wants them to be and loves doing the silly little things like feeding the ducks.

Think of it as a chance for both your dc to have some one on one time - dd with her grandparents and ds with you

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/04/2014 21:31

It would be quite straightforward for your son to have a "special time" while your daughter is away with her grandparents without it turning into favouritism or anything else unfavourable. Your son won't know why he isn't going unless you tell him.

SpiderNugent · 21/04/2014 21:32

Of course she should go, i spent lots of time with my nan and grandad without my brother and sister, was fun, we got to know each other on a one to one basis, that you cant get when you have to constantly watch a 3 year old

Forgettable · 21/04/2014 21:33

I should think it's a confidence thing, an amenable 7 year old single is a much less exhausting proposition than wrangling a stubborn grumpy toddler AND an amenable 7 year old.

Bill it to the younger child as having-Mama-and-Dad to himself, whoo hoo how exciting #jazzhands

MoominsAreScary · 21/04/2014 21:35

My mum has my older 2 but not the younger 2 yet. I don't see a problem, let her go if she wants

Original poster

Siouxsie76 · 21/04/2014 21:36

I suppose so, it's just that as it's in the summer holidays I will be at work so ds will have to go to holiday club on his own rather than with his big sister. I can only have 2 weeks off which we spend as a family, so this will have to be whilst I'm working. Dd went to mils 2 years ago (d's is nearly 4) and he was upset then, so think he will be more aware this time. I can see it would be nice for dd to have time on her own with them though.

OP posts:

drspouse · 21/04/2014 21:38

My mum looks after my DNs one at a time, usually the older one only. The other one then gets special time with parents/other relatives. When the younger one is a bit bigger I think she'll go on her own, again one at a time.

chesterberry · 21/04/2014 21:41

I would let her.

When I was 7 I went to stay with my grandparents without my siblings and it was lovely for me to have them to myself and the holiday remains a really strong memory for me. My siblings came along on subsequent holidays once they too turned 7 (that was the decided age we were old enough to holiday without our parents I suppose) but I have hardly memories of those holidays with them there too, I guess because it didn't feel as special when they were there too!

I think your MIL is reasonable to only want to take your DD considering the age gap - 3 is still quite little to be away from home and still quite young when it comes to coping with long day trips or things. Planning fun things to both entertain a 7 year old and a 3 year old without any tantrums is difficult and maybe more than MIL wants to take on right now, especially if she's not had them on her own before. Make the most of MIL wanting to take one of your children and tell your DS he is too young but that when he is 7 he will be able to go and stay with your MIL too (although check that will be the case with her first). Then you can plan lots of fun things for you and DS to do whilst your DD is having fun with MIL.

Purplepoodle · 21/04/2014 21:45

My parents could cope with my eldest but they couldn't cope with his younger siblings. I would let her go. My eldest often gets a bit neglected with his younger siblings needing more attention so he is more than happy for a bit of granny and grandad time.

MintChocAddict · 21/04/2014 21:56

Let her go.
I have a 7 year old and a 3year old and I regularly split them. DC1 is easy, can be reasoned with and generally good company. DC2 is a very strong willed 3 year old who is lovely and funny but v high maintenance and a real handful. I struggle to manage him at times so wouldn't expect an older relative to. Be grateful that your PIL are happy to look after one and look forward to when your second DC is a bit older, less prone to tantrums and your PIL feel more able to manage two at the same time.

Joules68 · 21/04/2014 23:00

What does your DH think?

Fizzybangfanny · 21/04/2014 23:07

If you don't want her to go - say no.

You dont have to find reasons. Could you invite them to come stay a few days or all go away together.

I did however spend a lot of time at my gp, and my cousin always tried to come while I was there. She ended up feeling very left out and still holds a grudge now

WooWooOwl · 21/04/2014 23:19

I think it would be mean to your dd to deny her a little holiday with her GPs just so her brother get upset about it. He'll get his turn when he's older.

With a four year age gap there are always going to be things that one can do but the other can't, you can't hold your oldest one back until they are both adults and able to do everything the same.

5madthings · 21/04/2014 23:22

My elder ones get to go stay with relatives and the little ones don't yet, they will get their turn as they get older, I explain this to them and make sure they get a treat.

Let dd go.

SpringBreaker · 22/04/2014 00:59

If she wants to go I would let her. I would imagine she has slightly took a bit of a back seat for the last three years while you have been dealing with a baby then a toddler so it will probably be nice for her to be centre of attention with her grandparents. Your sons turn will come as he gets older and your daughter wants to be off out with her friends rather than being with grandparents.

Littledidsheknow · 22/04/2014 01:28

Let her go! This is something that will be easy and enjoyable for your PILs, and also quite special for your DD. It's not that they love your DS any less, it's just that it would be a much tougher job to have both. His time will come.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/04/2014 01:36

I am the eldest sibling. I loved staying with my GP and getting a break from my younger siblings.

YWBU not to let her go OP.

Original poster

Siouxsie76 · 22/04/2014 02:08

Thanks everyone you've convinced me to let her go

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/04/2014 02:13

Siouxie.

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