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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed at my SIL

58 replies

PenguinBear · 13/04/2014 10:07

we have an eldery relative in hospital (they are coming out soon and in good health). SIL lives 10minutes away and has grown up children so can pop to see him much more easily than us although she only goes once or twice a week herself. We live 90miles away and have young DC.

SIL rings this morning to see if we were planning to visit today. I said no as we'd already planned a day out and were going next week and were going to take him an Easter egg etc. she then tells me that she told him we would all be visiting today and she'd have to ring the hospital and tell him we weren't coming.

AIBU to be annoyed at her for this? I know she judges me terribly as I don't go every week but we really can't afford the petrol and it's so hard to find the time as I have so much work to do for work at the weekend. It takes all day so it's hard to go more than once every 2 weeks. He has 6 family members nearby who visit at the weekends and in the week so he's not alone.

She doesn't understand the fact that work (I'm a teacher) will not give me a day off to go and visit Hmm

We've cancelled our plans and of course are going to visit today as I don't want him to be disappointed.

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am!

OP posts:
thebody · 13/04/2014 10:11

Think you are ridiculous to cancel your plans or give your sil a second thought.

It's your business not hers.

RedPencilPot · 13/04/2014 10:12

YANBU

Let it go though and say nothing! If your SIL said it without checking with you, it's up to her to sort it out.

sooperdooper · 13/04/2014 10:12

Yes I'd be annoyed too, it's not up to her to decide when you visit!! Personally I wouldn't change my plans but I'd ring the hospital myself, talk to your relative and explain you'll come next week

Funnyfoot · 13/04/2014 10:13

You SIL was BU to make plans on your behalf.

I think the amount you are visiting is fine. As you say you live quite far away and are visiting when you can. I doubt that your relative would want to be a burden to anyone.

Saying that you do need to tell SIL that she should no longer do this or judge you otherwise it will continue. Stand up for yourself.

thebody · 13/04/2014 10:13

To add I would t dream of taking 'young dc' into a hospital unless it was for their treatment.

Most wards don't allow children and it's really not recommended unless absolutist necessary like visiting a parent.

sooperdooper · 13/04/2014 10:14

Oh and also if he's well enough to be coming out soon of course you wouldn't take a day off to visit, even if you could!!

gamerchick · 13/04/2014 10:17

Don't cancel your plans or it'll be a green light to her.

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2014 10:22

It wasn't on for SIL to say that but in the other hand I think visiting an elderly relative is pretty important. It can't be much fun for them in hospital plus wouldn't you want family to visit you if you were old and in hospital alone?

Plus if you're a teacher aren't you on Easter holidays anyway?

Tinkerball · 13/04/2014 10:27

Who made SIL in charge of visiting eh?!

BlackeyedSusan · 13/04/2014 10:31

oh for goodness sake, you are a teacher, you only work from nine to three, with all those holidays, and you must be paid enough to afford all the petrol... I mean easter "holidays" what else have you got to do?

YABU to even think of changing plans.

RecentlySpotted · 13/04/2014 10:36

She was unreasonable to plan your day for you, but YABU to even worry about it.

EvaBeaversProtege · 13/04/2014 10:40

Don't cancel your plans.

She is BU to plan your day!!!

cees · 13/04/2014 10:44

Tell her not to speak for you, you can do that yourself and then ring your relative and have a conversation, ask how they are, the usual and then tell them if and when you can make a visit.

Tell your sil to stop arranging your spare time, interfering cow.

comicsansisevil · 13/04/2014 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dreamer789 · 13/04/2014 11:05

Does she judge your DH as well?

CerealMom · 13/04/2014 11:09

You: "did you tell 'George' I'd be visiting today"?

SiL: "yes".

You: "please don't tell George we'll be visiting, when you haven't spoken to us first. You know it's a considerable journey for us which needs planning, and it raises expectations for George. I don't want him disappointed".

Any response other than, "ok, sorry" just shows she's rude.

EllaFitzgerald · 13/04/2014 11:23

How rude of her. I think CerealMom put it perfectly.

thebody · 13/04/2014 11:25

I think a 'mind your own fucking business' suffices really.

Don't be a twat and cancel your plans. Also tell your dh to sort it.

MincingOnBy · 13/04/2014 11:40

What cereal mom said

lola88 · 13/04/2014 11:43

YANBU she's out of line. I think cancelling your plans so he's not let down in a lovely thing to do and I would do the same unless it was a special day out with tickets or the kids have been promised and can only be done today, if that's the case I would call to tell him there have been crossed wires (i wouldn't upset him with the whole story) and you are coming another time.

SauceForTheGander · 13/04/2014 11:46

She got out of her guilt at not visiting today by piling it on you didn't she?

WipsGlitter · 13/04/2014 11:53

Who is he related to? You? Or your DP?

Fairenuff · 13/04/2014 11:54

If you cancel your plans and go you give your SIL the message that she was right to do what she did. Don't go on principle or you will just have more of this nonsense from her.

Was it your idea to cancel plans OP, or your dh? It is a relative on his side of the family, after all, so he probably feels more guilt that you do.

TittyMcFartyFlaps · 13/04/2014 11:59

She couldn't be arsed to visit, so she told you to, and you fell for it.
More fool you if you go.

soundevenfruity · 13/04/2014 12:00

It's about him and not your SIL so I wouldn't make a point for the sake of making a point. It's so considerate to cancel your plans and it's reasonable to take your children with you as they need to excercise their "compassionate muscles". I would have a 1-2-1 conversation to you SIL though.

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