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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give internet dating a go

39 replies

Hiphopopotamus · 12/04/2014 22:24

So please - give me some honest responses!

I'm 26 years old, and would really like to be in a committed relationship. I am waiting for a decent guy to fall into my lap, and it's just not happening. I've sat through yet another wedding of yet another friend today, and I am just fucking fed up! (It doesn't help that the groom was a guy that I casually dated and slept with a few years ago Blush)

So AIBU to try internet dating. Part of the reason for my question is that I really don't want to! My ideal relationships are ones that develop from friendships, and part of me feels that internet dating is just a bit artificial. My other qualm is that I feel a lot of guys sign up to internet dating to sleep with desperate women, and have no interest in a relationship. I really don't want to be one of those desperate women!!

So please give me some honest responses - have you had some good or bad experiences with internet dating? Do you have some dating sites that you would recommend or avoid like the plague?

Thanks oh mumsnet wisdom!

OP posts:
fourcorneredcircle · 12/04/2014 22:48

I married my online find :)

mumofboyo · 12/04/2014 22:49

Yanbu
I met dh on online dating. We joined 2 different sites and I paid more but they use the same platform (or something) so were matched to each other. We were each other's first match/contact.
I'd say, from my own experience and from what I've read on here, that if you do then think about the following:

  • join a paid site rather than a free one (people I've met said they met more oddballs on the free sites)
  • keep the online bit short: don't spend ages emailing and swapping messages. Arrange to meet fairly quickly because it's easy to fall for a faceless voice and then be disappointed when you meet in person. And if you meet quickly, if there's no spark you haven't invested too much time and energy on getting to 'know' them.
Amytheflag · 12/04/2014 22:50

I'm like you, my relationships develop from friendships. I found online dating completely awkward and forced. I did get a relationship and a baby out of it but in hindsight, he used the fact we met online to groom me in a way an irl relationship would have made difficult. You'll get lots of I FOUND MY HUSBAND replies though because not everyone likes to share the bad stuff so they won't respond.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2014 22:51

I have no experience of internet dating but my sister has and so have many of my friends.

Most of them advise using a site where you have to pay a membership fee.

According to them it cuts down on the guys just looking for dirty talk and a crafty wank.

If they have to pay to join, they're likely to be a bit more serious and not so much of a time waster.

NCFTTB · 12/04/2014 22:54

Go for it! It's fun and you've got nothing to lose. I'm like you, I wanted a lovely story to how we met but as I've got older I'm also exploring other avenues. It makes you evaluate exactly what you do and do not want if nothing else. Good luck!

Isabeller · 12/04/2014 22:55

DP & I found each other online, I would say it's worth investing some time and thought in the process if you want to make it work for you.

I also heard this amazing matchmaker caroline brealey on woman's hour, maybe worth considering her?

Only1scoop · 12/04/2014 22:56

Have a go....

I had great fun....four friends have met Dp DH etc and are really happy.

Universal · 12/04/2014 22:58

Dip in and out. Decide it's just one option but don't give up on random encounters. If you are thinking about it then it means that you are at the stage where you want to settle down. No matter how old you are it's good to know what you want.
Have a think about where your friends met their husbands and consider those options too.
Yes it's the norm but it's not for everyone. Stay safe. Good luck!

brokenhearted55a · 12/04/2014 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparkbubbles · 12/04/2014 23:04

I met my DH online! It takes someone to push you to do it. I only joined because my male BF at the time was doing it too and asked me to keep him company. Having had a recent break up I did it with not much to lose and a casual attitude. DH was my first match :)
I found we had so much in common and we felt we already knew each other somewhat.
Good luck!

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2014 23:19

It kind of doesn't say it all really broken

There are good and bad experiences in all sorts of dating.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/04/2014 23:22

After being on here so long and hearing endless cock picture stories, I wouldn't do online dating.

Not to mention all the married stories too.

MontyDonnsgirl · 12/04/2014 23:30

Do it!

Here's my tip;
Write 20 things you want in your ideal partner. This is your chance to be as picky as you like! Then cut it down to 5. Only date these people!

Mine were:
Must be taller than me
Must be willing and able to support the family if I give up work to have children
Must be kind
Must be looking for the same thing
Must be able to go for a pint with my dad and brothers.

Reader I married him.

fortyplus · 12/04/2014 23:30

I've been on match for about 5 months and no one has sent me a picture of their cock... Most on the site are genuine but I've had a fair bit of attention from very young men and some much older. The thing is that you're going to meet a lot of people you're not realy attracted to. But be realistic - internet dating is just a way of casting the net a little wider for single/compatible men. After al, you only need to meet one don't you Wink

Original poster
Hiphopopotamus · 12/04/2014 23:40

Thanks for the tips guys - looks like paid sites are definitely the way to go.

Did anyone find it awkward going on what is essentially a blind date?

OP posts:
MontyDonnsgirl · 12/04/2014 23:44

Slightly. But if you just go for an hour, have a swift dri k and then leave if it's awful or stay a bit longer of they're ok, you'll be alright. They'll be as nervous as you. Smile, dress like you're meeting your grandad and be charming. It'll be fine.

MontyDonnsgirl · 12/04/2014 23:45

Another option is to read "how to find a husband after 35." I appreciate you're younger but it's excellent if scary, and a bit American bonkers!

MontyDonnsgirl · 12/04/2014 23:46

And if you've got someone who is a "maybe"
Then don't reject them till you've snogged. Chemistry is a funny thing.

Original poster
Hiphopopotamus · 12/04/2014 23:49

Part of my issue is that I'm a recovering alcoholic which rules out meeting for a lovely inhibition lowering social lubricant drink! Grin

OP posts:
NCFTTB · 12/04/2014 23:56

I've been on loads of dates where I've driven and it's been fine.

antimatter · 13/04/2014 00:04

You meet in a coffee shop for 1 hour max.
THis way you aren't stuck with someone horrible for a whole dinner or lunch.

I was looking at internet dating like that - I imagined that all of those guys were in a big buzzy pub. I bump into one of them and there's sligh chance that we have something in common. Statistically I need do meet many to find one who I find interesting (although possible it may be the very first one I bump into). I met one. We have being seeing each other for over 4 months. But I had many false starts Grin

Twattyzombiebollocks · 13/04/2014 00:07

I've recently joined an online dating site. So far I've had 3 dates, none of them good experiences. I live in hope.
Do be prepared to be approached by wildly optimistic men who are 15 years (at least) older than the upper age limit you have specified. Also be prepared to communicate in text speak and be called babe and hun on your very first contact with someone.
One thing I have learned (from someone else) is never exchange phone numbers before you have met someone, always make sure someone you trust knows where you are going and who you are meeting and that they are prepared to rescue with a phonecall about a sudden family emergency just in case the persons online photo turns out to be from 1995 or actually is a photo of their much more attractive best friend.
I have also been given the following hints by a bloke on there that no profile photo = married/in a relationship/butt ugly and that blokes who only contact you in the daytime are either unemployed or can't contact you from home in the evening for obvious reasons.

MsVestibule · 13/04/2014 00:08

I met DH on Match.com. I met five or six men before him and none of the dates were awkward. We'd normally have been emailing for a couple of weeks (don't think 'chat' was as much as a thing then) so we had an idea of each other's interests. If an hour into the date I knew it wasn't happening, I'd just say "Sorry, I don't really think there's any chemistry, is there?" and leave.

There are threads on Relationships about OD, you'll get good advice on there, too.

BillyBanter · 13/04/2014 00:10

Give it a go. Be clear what you are after and not after but don't put 'I want to be married within the year'. That's not good.

Also depending on where you live meetup.com might be useful. It's not a dating site it's for arranging all sorts of social stuff like walks or practising your French.

SaucyJack · 13/04/2014 00:15

Give it a go. My advice would be to be open-minded and don't get too hung up on someone having the perfectly witty profile or being exactly your "type".

I've found/been shown a few profiles of several blokes I know IRL- incl. former and current DPs- and none of them do them any justice tbh.