To not want to move too far away from work?

[thedrunkenduck]

I'm on maternity leave at the moment but will be going back next February. I work shifts meaning sometimes I have to get up at 6am to leave at 6.20 and sometimes I don't get back until past midnight. I have to drive (job requires it).

We are looking into selling our flat and getting something more family friendly as it is tiny. I've said to DH however that I don't want to have to commute more than 20 minutes because sometimes it will be so early and i'll sometimes be coming back so late (my early shift starts at 7am but I have to be there for 6.40 to get in/get sorted/handover and late shift is supposed to finish at 23.30 but usually goes on until 23.45ish by the time i've handed over, got sorted and got out)

He is complaining because apparantly it is unfair that I get a shorter commute than him- his is about 45 minutes but keep in mind he works 9-5 so he is commuting at "normal" times.

AIBU? Because I really don't think I am..

What if you change jobs op to something normal hours?

Have you found somewhere yet? If not why not look for somewhere in the middle maybe.

I've always commuted about 50 mins very early morning or in the night to and from work.... it doesn't really bother me. I'm just used to it I guess,

i don't think 'fairness' really comes into it - you could restrict your search to precisely the same journey time each (taking times of day into account - presumably there is far less traffic for you at those times of day, so your journey time will be shorter for the same distance), but that might not be the right area in terms of price/house type/amenities/social life etc. also either of you might change jobs at some point in the future, so you might want to consider whether moving to a particular area might restrict where you could look for jobs if you wanted to change. there are too many variables really to restrict too much on journey time, beyond a certain point.

we chose to move closer to dp's work so that he has a 5 minute drive and i drive 1hr30mins to work (i leave at 5.30am and arrive home between 8 and 9pm). it was a difficult decision, but it works for us in terms of other aspects of our lives, and considering where we might be in the future. it's worth bearing in mind that we don't have children. i don't know how i would feel about being such a long drive from home if i did.

however, you know what is manageable for you in terms of your quality of life, how much driving you can safely cope with before and after work etc. likewise for him. so it should be an important factor, but no more or less than other factors you're considering. is there a reasonable overlap in terms of area that would allow you to have the journey time you want, and him to have the journey time he wants?

this isn't a terribly helpful answer, i'm afraid!

Think I agree with DH here -not only does he have the longer commute, but a rush hour commute will be much worse than your drives home at anti-social hours! Can you meet in the middle somewhere?

Get a bicycle for DH, bet he could half the commute time and get fitter. Takes me upto an hour in the car. I do double the distance (take the scenic route) on my bicycle in half the time !

How many days a week are you working 6.40am-midnight (sounds exhausting)? And who is going to be doing pick ups/drop offs to/from childcare? And how do those commitments fit with working hours?

Maybe think about what will most reliably/easily fit with childcare constraints/commitments?

OP you should try commuting in rush hour when all the people working standard hour are also going home. Now that's a nightmare.

I would split the middle and go 30min commute for both of you, however there are other factors such as childcare, schools, house prices, type of house, do you want to be near family ect

I'm with your DH - I don't think the fact that you are commuting in non-rush hour helps your case
the only thing I would say is that it would surely be useful if one of you was relatively near home for childcare issues

God, does he complain if you get more chips than him too ?? A 45 minute commute is not a big deal (well not to me, obviously it may be to others). I don't necessarily think it's the best idea to arrange where you live primarily based on where you work now, what if that were to change? But, the whole 'it's not fair' argument is juvenile. You both have the right to a decent commute but that's not always possible so yes I'd be looking at the person who has to drive late at night at having the 'easier' journey.

A 45 minute commute is not a big deal and yet, more than a 20-minute commute is apparently such a big deal to OP that she doesn't want to do it. Her commute is not even in rush hour.

No, it's not in rush hour but it sounds like her days are longer and more tiring than his 9-5 (which I'm not knocking, I did those hours and a much longer commute for years). I'm just thinking about the practicalities of a commute for someone who has worked really long hours and is travelling at a very late time of night. Obviously we don't know what the OP does which would help determine that, but it does sound like a longer day than the OP's DH, which is why I'd give her the slightly shorter commute.

No I think op is working SHIFTS so sometimes she'll be on earlies, sometimes lates. Don't think she's working 7am to 11.30pm. Is she?

I get up at 5.20am every morning for my 45min commute and get back every night at 7pm ish after a 45 min commute back. But surely it's about finding the house you like in the right place? If that means you get a 40 min commute and your dh gets say 30 mins, doesn't getting the house you love compensate for an extra/reduced 15-20 mins commute?

Try travelling in rush hour. I'm with your DP.