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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with my dm?

27 replies

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 21:19

So I went to a really nice resturant about 6 week ago, while there my dm rand me and I said how nice it was and that I wanted to take her there for mothers day. She said oh that would be lovely.

A couple days later it was mentioned again and again she said it would be lovely.

then she said she wants to see her mum really as she's probably not going to have lots of mothers days left, which is understandable and then we made firm arrangements for the Saturday before.

Now she's just rang me to say my sisters taking into town for lunch. I'm actually really upset that she's going out doing what I wanted to do with her.

background info my sister was always the golden child and firmly my mum's favourite growing up, I left home early and it's only since I had dc myself that me and my mum built back a relationship 6/7 years ago.

am I overeacting to be upset?

OP posts:

bobot · 26/03/2014 21:26

No, YANBU. That's awful.

Tryingtobetidy · 26/03/2014 21:32

YANBU

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 26/03/2014 21:34

Sorry OP

I wouldn't bother with her if I was you.

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 21:45

I really do feel like fuck you

OP posts:

itsmeitscathy · 26/03/2014 21:47

Have you told her how you feel?

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 21:53

I'm going to text her something like this now.

actually mum I know I said I wasn't upset but I am. I tried to make arrangements with you which you then turned down and when sister tries to make the same arrangements you want to. so I really feel like you've sidelined me.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 26/03/2014 22:00

Yanbu, that's really not nice. You should definitely send that text.

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 22:04

I know I said I wasn't upset but the more I think about it the more I am upset. I asked you ages ago and you said yes then you said no then you make other arrangements with me and then sister asks the same thing and you say yes. you really have upset me and it feels like I'm always second best to her. I don't want to fall out with you this isn't me having a go but you've really made me feel like shit

I've just sent that. I never say anything like this to my mum but things like this keep happenino.

OP posts:

Wheresmysocks · 26/03/2014 22:05

Very similar situation to yours.

I've really distanced myself from my mum. It's the only way I can cope...

really feel for you. X

Hardtothinkofanewname · 26/03/2014 22:08

I have a very similar situation. We can never win. I tried to discuss things with my mum recently and it just backfired.

I distance myself, I've never fallen out with her. She'd probably not notice I was gone anyway!

Take care

ChasedByBees · 26/03/2014 22:11

That is rubbish OP and I'm glad you have been able to tell her how you feel.

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm so sorry for upsetting you I always seem to get it wrong you are definitely never second best I just seem to have this knack of cocking things right up i got it so wrong by trying to please granny & that fell flat on me& then you'd sorted your day out with t & t & then I got to pick up your brother & I'm sorry I can't put it right all I can do is apologise x

OP posts:

TwittyMcTwitterson · 26/03/2014 22:38

So can you go with her and your sister for the meal? Do you believe her apology? Xx

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 22:43

I don't want to go out with her my sister and my brother now. My dd has planned our day starting with breakfast in bed and wants to cook me dinner and bake a cake so that's what we're doing!

I won't be asking her next year.

OP posts:

TwittyMcTwitterson · 26/03/2014 22:49

Better to concentrate on the more important mother daughter relationship

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 22:52

exactly eveesmummy!

OP posts:

LettertoHermioneGranger · 26/03/2014 22:52

Well, I think you're being stubborn and unreasonable. Maybe there was some passive aggressive behavior on your mother's part, but for the most part it seems to be a miscommunication issue. It seems she understandably tried to make plans with your elderly grandmother, so you made firm plans with your own daughter, but her plans fell through and she planned something else but now you're annoyed the plans don't involve you, but equally won't give up your plans with your daughter.

I don't think it's fair for DM to be expected to sit at home so that you're satisfied. Either go out with her and your siblings, or keep your plans with your daughter and arrange another weekend for a special day with your mother. You're now choosing to have a falling out over a communication issue when it could be rectified.

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 23:03

I'm not invited hermoine. she made it quite plain it

We are not falling out either but instead of brushing it off like usual I actually told her she's upset me... and the world hasn't ended so I'm quite happy now.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 26/03/2014 23:07

My Dm is exactly the same back2basics - the bloody dogs come way above me never mind my sister. I just don't bother now, especially as she is such a bitch over my dd.

She has phoned me today saying hopefully we can have some girly time together - I think I might be busy for the next millennium!

Ledkr · 26/03/2014 23:11

This is the kind of thing that happens in my family.
Well done for sending the text I know how hard it is.

My mum cancelled helping me after major surgery to go to my sisters with my other sister and help her with house and baby because "she was stressed"

It's really horrible.

EverythingCounts · 26/03/2014 23:17

Hmm. Your mum's response is a bit lame in my book, what with 'I always seem to ge it wrong' which is one of those passive-aggressive things people say when they have legitimately upset you but want to make it look like you being over-sensitive. And 'I can't put it right' - well, she could have asked you to come too, and that would have helped.

Good for you for saying your piece. It isn't easy, and people like this usually rely on you saying nothing about it. At least you know in future you can shift your expectations and concentrate on your own daughter instead.

Original poster

Back2Basics · 26/03/2014 23:26

My mum can be so lovely and if ever I'm stuck she does what she can to help. But me and my dc are just not her main priority and I never have been.

I'm not being a princess demanding she runs around after me but I'm always being dropped. last week we made plans we went out and then she said oh I have to help your stepdad do something and he wants it done as soon as he finishes work so he's going to ring me when he's an hour from home so I can drop you back.

or another time we all went out for lunch, her my step dad my grandparents and my sister. On the way home she said oh sister come back to mine for a coffee after we drop Back2Basics off blablabla, I'm sat there thinking oh thanks a bunch for my invite...

otoh my washing machine broke down half way through the month the next day shes took me to currys and leant me the money till I got paid for a new one.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 26/03/2014 23:38

You're not at all unreasonable. Can't believe some loon poster thought you were.

Right. So now you know what she's like. You love your mum but she lets you down and treats you like Plan BA lot even if you've been first to ask what she's doing. That's pretty shitty IMO.

You can't let this keep happening to you. It's soul destroying. Her crapness should not be allowed to upset you and your generous actions.

You have stop trying with her. You really do. Focus on breaking the cycle with your dd. you invest in your dd and the benefits to her, you and her children we be huge.

I think your mother is a lost cause. Her message to you was vague and oh I'm useless but I don't really care in tone. Stuff that. Don't make ANY arrangements with her for 3 months. Minimal contact.

If she doesn't bother regardless then you need to resign yourself to occasional contact because anything else is just going to upset you - she's unreliable and not very loyal.

Bear up. Your dd is a lucky girl to have a mother who invests in her so much.

wouldbemedic · 27/03/2014 00:53

You know, I'm not saying your DM's a saint, but I didn't take her apology the way others have read it. Instead of blanking you or getting aggressive as many would do, she actually apologised (maybe not brilliantly but for a text I think it's great) and offered an explanation that threw a new light on her actions. When you first posted the thread, you thought your DM had just turned you down on the pretext of having immovable, which turned out to be not so immovable when a better offer came along. That was the part posters were reacting to at first, I felt. Rather than being able to ditch granny when it was sister asking rather than you, it turned out that: (a) she'd been stood up by her own mum so was genuinely free after all, and (b) at that point she knew you weren't free (hence her not inviting you along to the lunch in town). Nevertheless she seems to feel that she has got things 'wrong' one way and another, as if she knows she can be tactless but doesn't have much of a clue how to act on it. Without knowing what else she's done to bring you to this point, I do think you should let this one go. I would.

Mnetters have been known to run for the hills shrieking no contact with bewildering speed.

About the time your DM asked your DSIS in for a coffee and not you - just a thought, but were they driving about leaving people off (including you) and then perhaps returning to your mum's house, perhaps for your sister to make her own way home from there? If that was the case, I can understand that someone without bucketloads of empathy might think no further than - DSIS is going to be at the house in a minute when we get back there. She could have a coffee before going on.

I know it's cold comfort. I'm sorry you have this in your life

Dolcelatte · 27/03/2014 03:36

Sorry, but I think you are being oversensitive and a bit needy. You are an adult now with your own child and should have grown out of this sort of sibling rivalry for your mother's attention.

Your mother obviously does love you and she's there for you when you need her, as she is for your brother and sister. She also has her husband and elderly mother to consider. Why should you and your dc be her main priority?

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