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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if monogamy is overrated

16 replies

Throughthelongnight · 21/03/2014 23:04

Is a sexual affair the same as an emotional affair, in terms of betrayal?

Would you have no string sex if you knew that you wouldn't be found out?

Is the male perspective different to the female?

Just wondering...

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 21/03/2014 23:05

Yes
No
Sometimes
Really?
HTH

Original poster
Throughthelongnight · 22/03/2014 17:31

I meant in terms of no emotions involved and no intention if leaving the relationship.

OP posts:
Famzilla · 22/03/2014 17:33

Yes
No
Everyone's perspective is different.

CuttingOutTheCrap · 22/03/2014 17:38

Is a sexual affair the same as an emotional affair, in terms of betrayal?
Yes

Would you have no string sex if you knew that you wouldn't be found out?
No. Being found out is irrelevant - I'd have still betrayed DH, myself and our relationship. All of which is unforgivable (and I have no desire to sleep with anyone else anyway!)

Is the male perspective different to the female?
Sometimes.

Just wondering...
Why?

cory · 22/03/2014 17:40

I don't think monogamy is essential for everybody's happiness.

But I think dishonesty is shit.

If you don't want to be monogamous you should make that clear in advance.

Nobody likes being lied to.

I have noticed that men (and women) who are very open and tolerant about affairs when they're thinking of them as something they might take a rather different attitude if they find out their partners have been cheating on them.

SouthernHippyChick · 22/03/2014 17:40

No... Maybe.. Probably not.

Bunbaker · 22/03/2014 17:42

I agree with Cutting and Cory

Personally an affair would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
Throughthelongnight · 22/03/2014 17:47

Cutting, why? Just something I read on another thread about monogamy being overrated, and it reminded me of an article I read about women having no strings affairs and how it had improved their relationships. Something to do with relationships needing to last so much longer as we tend to live for longer nowadays.

OP posts:
IwinIwin · 22/03/2014 17:52

Yes and sometimes worse in some cases. My friend ex had an emotional affair which nearly broke their relationship but it was the physical affair he had that left her with a treatable (luckily) sti.

No because I'd still know.

Sometimes, depends on the person and their situation plus whether they can and want to justify cheating. Not related to gender.

My friend and her oh are poly, it works great for them. She does often find though that she hears the 'cant be monogamous line from a lotus of cheats. The minority cheat, realise they are poly and never cheat again by forcing monogamy. The majority of cheats using that justification actually want to shag around but expect and demand their partner is faithful, which makes them not poly but arseholes.

cory · 22/03/2014 17:55

Throughthelongnight, there is a substantial difference between an open relationship which both partners enter into with open eyes, and a relationship where one partner expects the other partner to be faithful to him while he lies through his teeth to her (or vice versa).

No strings relationships are fine if you have a choice about them. Personally, I wouldn't like one so I wouldn't have married dh if that had been what he wanted. But that would have been my prerogative.

TheBody · 22/03/2014 17:59

as long as all the adults involved know the truth and are happy then it's absolutely noones business really.

don't and have never beloved that men are more promiscuous than women or that sex no strings is easier for men while women invest emotion.

think that's absolute old fashioned bollocks.

I just fancy dh though. Grin

Original poster
Throughthelongnight · 22/03/2014 18:08

The body, when you say all adults involved, do you mean those having the affair understanding that it is no strings sex, or the dp being made aware as well?

OP posts:
JonSnowKnowsNothing · 22/03/2014 18:09

I'm starting to come to this conclusion, OP. I've been single SO bloody long (years) but never been without sex for too long. Now, work and my house are my priorities and finding a partner isn't really that big a deal.

When I visit home (2/3 times a year) I have a lovely long standing FB who I always see. I have a bloke up here who's fantastic and I see him maybe twice a week....but I don't like the thought of just having one sexual partner for the rest of my life.
If I did enter a relationship I would NOT cheat.....maybe I just haven't met the right person. For now this works for me.

Joysmum · 22/03/2014 18:11

To me, an emotional affair I couldn't forgive. A one night stand I'd try to work through if he came clean immediate and didn't lie. So yes both are obviously a betrayal but one is far worse.

No I would not stray. I believe in monogamy.

Individuals are different so I don't see the point in trying to break it down into male/female perspectives as they'd overlap.

cory · 22/03/2014 18:20

Throughthelongnight Sat 22-Mar-14 18:08:44
"The body, when you say all adults involved, do you mean those having the affair understanding that it is no strings sex, or the dp being made aware as well?"

I can't answer for TheBody, but for me I'd say the dp definitely. Leading your dp to believe that you are sticking to the same standards they think you expect from them and then doing something different is simply dishonest- and all experience shows that very few people feel ok about being lied to.

If you believe monogamy is overrated why wouldn't you stand up for your beliefs and say so? Why shouldn't the dp be offered the opportunity to have the same freedom?

Sallystyle · 22/03/2014 18:25

I simply don't want sex with anyone other than my husband, so for me it is not overrated.

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