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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider not paying for their flights?

30 replies

ThePartyArtist · 21/03/2014 15:03

Planning a wedding abroad - not anywhere glitzy, but where DP is from and his family still live. It is a very low-key plan so far, with 16 people including us (all immediate family).
If we pay for everyone's flights and accommodation the total wedding budget is £4K (about twice what we can afford).
If we pay for accommodation but not flights it's £2k (within budget)
If we don't pay for anyone's flights or accommodation it's £1.3K.
We wouldn't ask for any presents. Would we be unreasonable to ask people to pay for their flights and / accommodation? To be honest I'd feel bad letting them pay for both so would it be ok if we paid accommodation only?
My parents could easily afford their own flights, but my sisters and their DPs are on quite low incomes. SIL and BIL are both students, although DP's parents would pay for them to fly and they would not need accommdation.

OP posts:
caruthers · 21/03/2014 15:08

It all depends on the financial circumstances of the guests going to your wedding.

Personally when i've been asked to go to a wedding abroad I haven't gone due to financial restraints which are very important.

Last month we were asked to attend a wedding in Barbados...at the presnt we can't afford a holiday in Skegness ...having been adviced the flights and accomodation are quite reasonable we still declined Hmm

NotNewButNameChanged · 21/03/2014 15:09

You choose to have your wedding where you like.

You just can't complain if you choose to have it abroad and your family decide not to go because of the costs. If you want to guarantee their attendance then you pay for them to go, and that would mean flights and accommodation.

ophiotaurus · 21/03/2014 15:10

As long as you are ok with the fact that people might decline. This is why I would never consider a wedding abroad unless I could afford to fly everybody out. Not only do people have to pay for outfits/drinks/take holidays off work, but adding flights on top is a very big ask.

Tinkerball · 21/03/2014 15:10

As long as you are prepared for people not coming because they cant afford it.

flowery · 21/03/2014 15:10

How about accommodation for everyone and flights for your sisters and their DPs. If they're on low incomes it doesn't seem fair to expect them to either miss the wedding because you've chosen to have it abroad or to expect them to fork out money they really can't afford.

Just my view, although I know many people choose to have weddings abroad and expect guests to fund the lot.

WooWooOwl · 21/03/2014 15:11

It's fine to invite them to pay for their own flights, but I don't think you can ask them to or put any pressure or guilt on them. When you invite them you need to tell them that you completely understand if they can't come, and if they don't, be gracious about it.

If you want them there, then pay for them. If you don't mind whether they come or not, then don't pay their flights.

flowery · 21/03/2014 15:12

I'd be pretty upset if my brother chose to get married somewhere we couldn't possibly afford to attend tbh.

Original poster
ThePartyArtist · 21/03/2014 15:12

Oh no I'd definitely want everyone there, which probably means I need to pay for everyone's flights and accommodation. I may be able to negotiate my parents paying their flights.

OP posts:
SizzlesSit · 21/03/2014 15:13

I live abroad and got married here. I only paid for the people I didnt want to get married without them there. My parents could afford it so I paid flights, accomodation and food for my DB and SIL.

I didnt pay for friends but didnt get arsy if they didnt come.

blahblahblah2014 · 21/03/2014 15:15

Could you stretch to paying half? Just an idea ;)

WooWooOwl · 21/03/2014 15:16

If you definitely want everyone there then you can't ask them to pay for themselves. I don't even think it's very nice to ask your parents to pay if you are paying for everyone else, they are the people you should want there the most and that are the most deserving of being there.

ZenGardener · 21/03/2014 15:17

We did a wedding with just the two of us and then a party in DH's home country and a party in the UK (my home country). Our parents were the only people (except us) to attend both parties. I think it worked well. I wouldn't have expected anyone else to make the trip but it depends how expensive the foreign country is.

babybythesea · 21/03/2014 15:23

It kind of reads as though you are having the wedding in your DP's original home - is that right? In which case, if you have it here, people would have to travel anyway (his family). If this is the case, I sympathise. Rock and hard place. I had the same. We ended up having two weddings. One here and one there. Parents travelled to both - DP's dad, mum and one of his sisters came here, and then my mum, dad and sister joined us over there for a blessing, and I also wore my wedding dress to give it the feel of a wedding. It's bloody expensive though.
No helpful advice, just sympathy!

Katiepoes · 21/03/2014 15:46

My husband's family had to travel to ours from Holland to Ireland - we arranged a group rate for the flights and hotel. We paid for a mini bus that ferried them about while there, and there were three dinners they did not have to pay for - the wedding itself, a party at my parents and one we covered at the hotel. They saw it as a holiday (stayed five nights total) and to be fair I think they could all afford it. That said we'd have found the money for his parents and sisters & partners if necessary. A couple of aunts and uncles did not come, and two friends, but we of course had no problem with that.

It's hard isn't it? Especially when no matter what you do someone will be put out.

wobblyweebles · 21/03/2014 15:51

You just can't complain if you choose to have it abroad and your family decide not to go because of the costs

Half of her family are in one country and the other half are in another, so how do you define 'abroad'?

rookiemater · 21/03/2014 15:58

Personally I'd pay for the flights rather than the accommodation.

Even if you got married in the UK people would still have to pay for hotel rooms.

Or flights and rooms for those that are on low incomes.

IslaValargeone · 21/03/2014 16:04

How much feedback are you looking for regarding your wedding plans?
You had 2 threads in the go yesterday where everyone concerned suggested not paying for the flights in order to keep your costs down.
If you have a limited budget you can't have everything.

Cuxibamba · 21/03/2014 16:07

For me, I'd say pay flights. Most people could manage to find cheaper accommodation possibly- a B&B or hostel even, but not cheaper flights.

Original poster
ThePartyArtist · 21/03/2014 16:08

Rookiemater - that's a good way of looking at it, I hadn't thought of it that way before.

The best accommodation I could find was for the whole family together in self catering. I guess I could do research into different accommodation options and pass this on to them. There doesn't seem to be a lot of choice unfortunately but there is some variety for different budgets.

I'm not sure if it is acceptable to pay for flights for only those on low incomes. I know it's not somewhere my parents would holiday out of choice so not sure it's fair to ask them to pay thinking of it as a holiday.

I would really really want all the family there. It is a choice to get married abroad, as although DP's family are expats there they're very used to coming to the UK (where we live) for family events so wouldn't hesitate to do that.

OP posts:
flowery · 21/03/2014 16:11

Well if it's a choice, and it's not somewhere people would have a holiday, and/or some people are on low incomes, I think part of that choice is paying for flights for close family if you want them there.

rookiemater · 21/03/2014 16:11

Look if your parents can afford the flights I wouldn't sweat it on paying for them.

They are your parents, of course they'll want to be at your wedding. In ye olden days parents paid for their DD's wedding - now I know lots of mumsnetters have lots of contrary thoughts about that, but as they aren't paying, I certainly don't think it's wrong to ask them to.

Yes some research on low cost accommodation is a great idea.

UserNameDenied · 21/03/2014 16:13

Is it a destination where you can get budget air tickets? Could you base the dates around getting super cheap tickets?

splasheeny · 21/03/2014 16:17

It's definitely not expected for you to pay for everything.

As you want all the guests there however I would pay for the accommodation, and ask guests if they are able to contribute towards the flight. How does that sound?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 21/03/2014 16:31

would it be cheaper to ship his family over for a wedding here?

Original poster
ThePartyArtist · 21/03/2014 18:29

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone.

@islavalargeone sorry if you think I've posted too much - I'm new to all this and just looking for feedback. I did post two threads yesterday as I thought the subject fitted two forums (credit crunch and weddings).
Thanks everyone for the feedback!

OP posts: