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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding paying DM for childcare?

16 replies

Wikkiwoo · 18/03/2014 22:03

My DM has always looked after my 2DSs while I work (part time) To thank her for this and cover any costs I pay her £250 a month.
A year or so ago, I wasn't happy with this arrangement as although DM loves my 2DSs very much, she knows best and contradicts everything I ask/say e.g. I ask her not to give fizzy drinks - she still does but tells DSs not to tell me. That is just one example of many! So I decided to look for alternative childcare which would have cost me £50 more a month (£300) which I didn't mind paying.
When I approached DM about this she asked me not to as she relies on the money and would miss her grandsons. As DSs love going too, I left things as they were.
Now a year down the line and DM has hinted she is struggling financially and could I pay more? DH says we shouldn't be giving her anymore money as we already pay her during the holidays (I'm a teacher) when she doesn't look after them and all she does is stick them in front of the tv ( he has a point, she is not one for trips out or art projects)
AIBU to say we really can't afford to pay anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Wikkiwoo · 18/03/2014 22:05

Just to add, we would struggle to pay the extra £50 but could cancel sky/ swimming lessons if needs be

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 18/03/2014 22:06

can you afford it#? you were considering paying a child minder more?
can you go half way?

Lucylouby · 18/03/2014 22:07

She is using it as a job rather than doing it out of love, but if she wants it to be her job and be paid on a par with other childcare professionals she needs to be doing the me job as those professionals and actually be doing stuff with the dc. Do not be talked into paying her more unless she changes her ways of working. I think personally I would be moving the children to a place where they will be stimulated and learning. No way I would want my children watching tv all day while I paid for the privilege.

KittieCat · 18/03/2014 22:09

I'd give it to her but then I'd sell a kidney for my mum or dad.

Forgettable · 18/03/2014 22:09

What Lucy said

WooWooOwl · 18/03/2014 22:09

YANBU, and I think it's a mistake to be in a situation where a close relative is relying on your children for their income.

It would be completely wrong of you to cancel your children's swimming lessons so that you can pay your mum more when she won't even do the basic things you ask for that are in the best interests of your children.

wobblyweebles · 18/03/2014 22:10

I wouldn't pay someone to stick my kids in front of the TV and give them fizzy drinks.

That's my job.

deakymom · 18/03/2014 22:13

i wouldnt pay really but then i wouldn't use my family for childcare either it just breeds trouble i would only ask family in an emergency if they are ill

PuntCuffin · 18/03/2014 22:17

I might be wrong here (I often am) but if she relies on the money for income, you are paying her more than the actual cost incurred. Should she not then be registered as a CM properly?

ENormaSnob · 18/03/2014 22:24

Why are you putting her before your kids?

They are left in front of the tv, fed fizzy shite and have their mothers wishes repeatedly undermined.

Why have you allowed this to continue?

tethersend · 18/03/2014 22:27

Wobbly Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 18/03/2014 22:29

I wouldn't pay a penny to anybody who'd have plonked my dc in front of the Tv, they are worth so much more than this Sad
Why are you paying somebody to do this?

whois · 18/03/2014 22:29

She sounds shit tbh - watching your kids for cash not love, and not even doing a professional job.

Ditch her and pay a real CM.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 18/03/2014 22:37

My mum is highly qualified in childcare, she has managed nurseries, specialised in sn provisions, worked as a private childminder etc and there is no way I would use her or pay her for childcare

Because when my dc are with her she is not mrs x the professional qualified childcarer, she is their grandmother who feeds them crap and let's them get away with murder and will put on back to back films all day. And that's fine when it's for a visit, she loves it they love it and I count myself very very lucky to have her help, but for day to day care that is not ok

Childcare done by relatives can work really well but often the lines get blurred. Your mum is not behaving like a childminder, she is not doing the duties of a childminder but she is expecting to be paid as if she is

If I were you I would pay out for proper care for them and leave your mum to just be granny

slartybartfast · 18/03/2014 22:47

op she is your mother, surely she isnt that bad a grandmother?

foreverondiet · 18/03/2014 22:58

I think you have the worst of both at the moment - paying for childcare from relations and its not what you are happy with. You said you were happy to pay an alternative supplier more. So don't say you can't afford more, because if that if the case then you are stuck with her, on her terms - as you say the alternative childcare is more expensive.

I would say, look you are unhappy about the fizzy drinks, the TV and even more so her asking your DS to lie (this would irk me even more than the fizzy drinks), so you aren't prepared to pay any more for the childcare being provided. Further, if she does want to continue to look after your DSS and continue to be paid, she needs to agree to some ground rules, including cap on number hours TV a week, and no fizzy drinks etc. Also, why would you pay more when you could instead send them to somewhere that would be no TV / art projects etc.

If she can't stick to the ground rules then you have to go elsewhere.

[I think also - as you are paying, she should be registered as a childminder, but thats a different point]

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