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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abiu to tell him to eff off?

17 replies

Buttersbetterthanmarge · 08/03/2014 12:02

Ex has said that he will not bother with our dcs and have another child to replace them if I do not let him over night.
There are reasons I won't let them stay over with him yet and have tried to explain this to him but he is having none of it what else can I do?

His comment made me so angry I just want to tell him to fuck off and do it as he has never been a dad to them anyway. Wwyd?

OP posts:

Pumpkinpositive · 08/03/2014 12:08

Would probably need a lot more information than this for an informed WWYD but if he's never been a proper father until now (do you mean hasn't seen/paid for them?) then it doesn't sound as if they'll be missing out if he waltzes off into the sunset.

Supercosy · 08/03/2014 12:08

Crikey, what a horrible thing to say, regardless of whether he is allowed the kids overnight or not. I feel for you.

Jengnr · 08/03/2014 12:09

Tell him he's not having them at all if that's his throwaway attitude,

And fuck off, obviously.

DomesticSlobbess · 08/03/2014 12:10

I'd tell him to go right ahead then. The fact that he would actually consider "replacing them" because he can't have them overnight suggests you are right in not letting him have them in the first place!

Finola1step · 08/03/2014 12:10

He's being an arse but, without knowing more about your reasons for not allowing over night visits, it's impossible to work if YABU too.

Joules68 · 08/03/2014 12:12

Need more info

Sounds like that remark was thrown in to hurt you...

Supercosy · 08/03/2014 12:13

Why does he suddenly want them overnight if he has never bothered with them before? Sounds odd!

Original poster

Buttersbetterthanmarge · 08/03/2014 12:37

The reasons I won't allow them to stay over is because he lives in a shared house with his gf and three other people I have asked him on many occasions what will be the sleeping arrangements for the dcs and he has told me to mind my own business.
Every time he was suppose to have had them overnight he has left them with another family member and gone out and I get a phone call to come and pick them up the next day I do not trust him enough to not just leave them with a total stranger (to me at least)

He does see them when we visit their grandmother or he comes here on the rare occasion but that's as far as his parenting has gone he very rarely gives me money for them and when he does it's like I'm asking him to cut off a limb.

I feel he's trying to blackmail me into putting myself and dcs in a very hard situation just to suit him

OP posts:

pictish · 08/03/2014 12:41

I think fuck off would be a very appropriate response, along with "Off you go then, you ridiculous man. Your threats don't bother me, and the loss will only be your own. Feel free!"

Supercosy · 08/03/2014 12:47

I think you are absolutely in the right then and you should stick to your guns. What a horrible man. I agree that they would be better off not seeing him than seeing him if this is his attitude.

Original poster

Buttersbetterthanmarge · 08/03/2014 13:00

I'm just so angry I really don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

Oldraver · 08/03/2014 21:03

Non of the reason stand up, you dont get to dictate what he does on HIS access so long as he is not putting the DC's in danger. So what if he leaves them with a family member, it doesn't matter that you dont know them. You have to trust he will make the corrrect decision in who he leaves them with. Does he tell you who you are allowed to leave the DC's with ?

Are you always so controlling ?

Electriclaundryland · 08/03/2014 21:08

Really Oldraver? You would trust this man?

Finola1step · 08/03/2014 21:30

As the only parent who has shown the appropriate care and responsibility for these children, I think that Buuters does have the right to make conditions on over night access.

If I've got this right, this is a man who rarely financially supports his children, does not have a consistent access arrangement in place, and lives in a shared house with people that the OP does not know. He shares a bedroom with his gf and probably does not have beds for the dc to sleep in. So he sends them to a member of his family to sleep there.

If my take on the situation is correct Butters is absolutlely right not to allow overnight access. Not controlling behaviour, it's putting the safety and well being of the dc above the wants of the father.

Simply tell him that until he can provide appropriate sleeping arrangements for the dc, where they are in his care all night, then overnights are off. What he then does is up to him. All this posturing over walking away from the dc and having a replacement is dreadful. Any man who would do that is probably looking for a reason to duck his responsibilities anyway and is wanting you to provide him with an excuse.

RhondaJean · 08/03/2014 21:32

I think in these circumstances butters is perfectly right to try to make sure that there are safe and consistent arrangements in place for the children.

hoobypickypicky · 08/03/2014 21:32

You're not being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off. You'd be just as reasonable to tell him to fuck off, shithead.

deakymom · 08/03/2014 21:51

living in a shared house and expecting to overnight with children is unreasonable if i lived there and someone bought their kids in i would be livid! and if all he does is drop them off at a relative's house and leave them why does he want them in the first place? i think asking him to provide a safe and secure environment is perfectly reasonable

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