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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse ex's arrangements for dd collection from school?

21 replies

MamaSmurf99 · 07/03/2014 09:16

Posted in chat this morning but need more traffic as its urgent.

Dd is 5 and has selective mutism which is present at school. Change can make her increasingly anxious and upset. Ex hasn't seen her for 3 weeks and has text this morning to say his gf (whose due date with his baby he said it was last time when he sent someone else to return dd) is in labour so he'll get someone else to collect dd from school. He said he spoke to school about this on weds

Aibu to say it isn't fair on dd to potentially be anxious all day not knowing who's collecting her when he could have just arranged for me to as he knows I'm off and to refuse this arrangement?

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 07/03/2014 09:17

(I'd be happy to take dd there after school or whenever they can have her)

OP posts:

LastingLight · 07/03/2014 09:18

Yanbu. He should anyway be concentrating on fg and her labour, and not have dd at all since he will be distracted.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/03/2014 09:19

I think Yanbu at all, I would tell him that you will pick dd up, as she knows you, not some stranger. I would inform school too!

Seeline · 07/03/2014 09:20

Do you mean that you don't know who is collecting your DD, or that your DD doesn't know who is collecting her? Either way I would not be happy.
If his GF is in labour, she may be in hospital for days - what is he planning on doing with your DD is this case - presumably not have her sitting in the delivery room?!

MollyPutTheKettleOn · 07/03/2014 09:21

Have you offered to collect her yourself?

Jacksterbear · 07/03/2014 09:23

Yanbu. My ds (ASD, extreme anxiety) would also be beside himself with anxiety all day if he didn't know who was going to be collecting him.

Menolly · 07/03/2014 09:33

YANBU my DD isn't even a particularly anxious child and I wouldn't be happy with her not knowing who was picking her up. As you've said you are happy to take DD to him, I think you are actually being very reasonable.

PorkPieandPickle · 07/03/2014 09:35

He is probably distracted by his gf being in labour and hasn't thought straight. Just tell him you'll pick dd up for him and if his gf has had the baby and he wants dd there take her to the hospital, and if his gf is still in labour you'll arrange alternate contact for when she has.
He'll probably thank you for organising that (unless there is a history you're not mentioning)

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 07/03/2014 12:27

I offered months ago that contact could be played by ear around the time that baby is born and that I'd be happy to take dd over whenever they were ready for her/after school one night so it didn't end up being weeks before she met her sibling. But he's obviously ignored that (there's history of him trying to paint me asuunreasonable bitch ex) and decided to make his own arrangements.

Dd would know whoever it was but wouldn't know beforehand who it was going to be, if that makes sense.She didn't realise it was contact weekend when she went to school this morning so assumed I'd be collecting her anyway so I will tell him I'll do so and he/his parents or whoever can collect her from home. I agree that I really don't see the point of her going though - gf could be in hospital all weekend meaning he'll be there, dd will be left with grandparents and then won't see dad and baby for another 3 weeks anyway.

I offered that he could swap weekends to prevent this situation but he doesn't seem to want to admit I'm perfectly reasonable and therefore cut off his nose to spite his face.

OP posts:

PerpendicularVince · 07/03/2014 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerpendicularVince · 07/03/2014 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyOnAPlate · 07/03/2014 12:34

I would contact school and give them strict instructions not to hand your dd over to anyone other than you or her father.

Can you pick her up yourself today?

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 07/03/2014 12:37

It's just hard as dd2 and I have a sickness bug so dd1 could well be carrying it too but if I mention that to him, alongside stopping school collection, he'll accuse me of frustrating contact when all I'm trying to do is help. Surely it'd be better to swap and have dd next weekend when she's well and gf and baby are home and settled with a visit in the meantime to meet baby if ex wants?

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 07/03/2014 12:38

Jenny - he said school agreed despite not knowing whoever will be picking her up and despite only having met her father himself twice. I will be going to collect her.

OP posts:

StarGazeyPond · 07/03/2014 12:41

I offered months ago that contact could be played by ear around the time that baby is born and that I'd be happy to take dd over whenever they were ready for her

You seriously expect him to remember something you said MONTHS AGO? He's a bloke !

Just tell him what you're going to do.

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2014 12:42

Am I right? There's a sickness bug in your house and your DD is going to see a new baby?

Do they know? Are they mad?

I think you should take that decision for them.

PerpendicularVince · 07/03/2014 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pregnantberry · 07/03/2014 12:49

Well it isn't unreasonable for him to arrange alternative child care arrangements since his gf is going into labour.

He didn't know for sure you would be able to drop your plans and collect her, and maybe he felt it was his responsibility so didn't want to ask you, so he arranged for someone else to do it.

But now you are taking over anyway - it would be unreasonable for him to complain about that since its your DD and you are not depriving him of seeing his daughter since he wouldn't be with her anyway, but you don't say that he has.

The way you tell it reads to me as
-Ex cannot collect DD for valid reason, has made alternative arrangements
-You would prefer to collect her instead, so you are
Why is this an 'urgent' issue?

Original poster

MamaSmurf99 · 07/03/2014 12:58

He remembers, star. It has been discussed a few times - even 5 year old dd knows the offer is there. Nanny I've told him but he has history of not believing me that she's ill, taking her for contact, I make plans, he realisessshe's ill and returns her and my plans get cancelled. Pregnant - it's urgent because it's happening today. He can't know much more for sure that I could change plans than me saying: 'i will be completely flexible and change plans around time of birth, no problem.' If I arranged for someone else to collect dd without giving him first refusal there'd be hell to pay because it's a 'parents responsibility' and I'd be accused of trying to damage their relationship

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2014 17:01

Don't suppose you can contact the GF re the bug?

I'd kill him if I was her. Idiot.

Thepoodoctor · 07/03/2014 17:18

It might not be much fun for the collector either. I had to collect a friends DD who I don't see regularly yesterday, in an extreme emergency (sibling admitted to hospital).

Poor child was distraught and I'm not that scary

Definitely go get her yourself if you can. I'm really surprised the school will release a five year old to unspecified person - ours wouldn't. I saw the local childminder who is also a mum and everyone knows backwards refused permission to take a child until they'd called her Mum to check the other day.

Worth a word with school?

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