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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS is better off without a grandmother like that!

25 replies

FluffyPingPong · 21/02/2014 14:59

To cut a long story short, DH fell out with his mother almost a year ago now. They haven't spoken since, and it was a very petty argument which escalated and some hurtful things were said.
I was pregnant with DS at the time, and roughly a month later I invited MIL to my baby shower. She text my sister to say that she was unable to attend but gave no reason for this. Fast forward to the birth of DS, and there had still been no contact... WIBU to have expected a message of congratulations?!
DS is now almost 5 months old & we are currently planning our wedding. Just received an RSVP saying that she will not attend. I know that it has been a long time without contact, but I feel like we have made the first move by sending the invite... surely I'm not the only one who things this is just awful?! DH was gutted when he read the RSVP in the post. No matter what has happened i just can't understand a mother declining an invitation to her own sons wedding?? It was an opportunity she could've taken to patch things up?
Anyway... Because of this, I have poured my heart out in a message to her (slightly rude and ranting, but mainly asking why she has not made any effort with her grandson, nor spoken to me for so long...) She fell out with DH not me, poor DS has nothing to do with it and still deserves a grandmother?!
Also, when DS was merely a few weeks old, I saw her in town and she walked straight past us!!

OP posts:

Joysmum · 21/02/2014 15:04

Tbh, although I can understand your upset and frustrations, I think you're best off leaving this to your DP to sort out.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 15:04

Such a shame, especially over something petty. You've made a few efforts to extend an olive branch - really don't know if there is anything else you can do but wait for her to calm down, thing is it might be too late by then and you might have lost total patience. It can take some people a while to calm down and be ready to talk again, she might be really hurt or just an old cowbag. You can't really do anything more about it though.

SaucyJack · 21/02/2014 15:04

Just because you made the first move, doesn't mean she's duty bound to reciprocate.

You haven't said anything about why they fell out or what was said afterwards, so it's impossible to tell whether she's being petty or has a genuine grievance.

She clearly wants nothing to do with your DH or his family at the mo tho. No point losing any sleep over it.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/02/2014 15:05

She's obviously waiting for an apology, or decided after the fall out to go NC.

If your DH wants her to be at these things then he needs to sort them out.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/02/2014 15:06

What was the fall out over? Can you say, op?

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 15:06

Just reread that they both fell out. Did your husband actually do anything to mend bridges at the time or was he just as stubborn and huffy. Know you sent a invite but imagine that that came a good while after the fall out.

diddl · 21/02/2014 15:07

Part of me thinks good for her for not sucking up because there's a baby.

Was the invitation given in person or just posted?

Not sure why your husband to be is upset at the decline if they haven't been speaking though!

MillyBlods · 21/02/2014 15:09

Why has your husband not tried to sort this out by talking to her and or apologising if you want her in your life which you and he obviously do. Sending invitations etc is not the same as sorting it out. Maybe she is deeply offended by some of the things that were said and your husband probably feels the same BUT if you want to patch it up you have to give more than that or let it go and understand that you may never have her in your life again. It does happen.

NatashaBee · 21/02/2014 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoonvanBoon · 21/02/2014 15:18

Have you sent the message? If not, please don't! It can be therapeutic writing things down, & having a rant, but letting her know how you feel is really not going to help. It may make the situation even more entrenched. As you say, it's your DH's issue - leave it to him.

As to the original question - if your DS will be better off without such a grandmother in his life: quite possibly, yes. Just going on the info. here, she's obviously someone who bears grudges; who doesn't see you as a separate person from your DH (& if she's ignoring you in the street, doesn't even see you as someone worthy of common courtesy); & who doesn't seem remotely interested in a relationship with her GS. It all sounds a bit too much drama when you've got a young baby to care for.

I don't think you have any choice but to leave things at the moment, anyway. You can't force her to respond to you. If she & your DH do patch things up, I think that would be the time for you to tell her, calmly, that you were very hurt that she decided to exclude you & her GS because of a row with her son; & that you really hope it won't happen again as you'd like her to be involved in her GS's life.

Original poster

FluffyPingPong · 21/02/2014 15:23

The reason for the fall out is long-winded... Basically DP had an argument with his brother over an £800 debt that he didn't pay & ended up with bailiffs knocking at my front door, because DP was a guarantor. During this argument MIL text DP telling him to leave his brother alone, and that it was his fault for being guarantor. None of them speak to DP's father (for reasons I won't go into other than he is a complete waste of space) and DP told his mother that she was just like his Dad... That was it. Am I being biased to think that MIL was out of order to get involved in the argument anyway, as it had nothing to do with her. DP's brother is 21 so old enough to fight his own battles. I know that the remark about being like DP's dad would have cut MIL deep but I really don't think it's worth not speaking to eachother for a year over, but that's just my opinion. DP is just as stubborn and huffy as her and says he has now washed his hands of her. He's angry that she forever sticks up for his younger brother who is 9 years younger than him, and mummy's blue eyed boy that can do no wrong.

OP posts:

LoonvanBoon · 21/02/2014 15:32

Every bit of that is a nightmare, Fluffy! Your DP was daft to get involved in his brother's financial problems; his brother was totally out of order not paying his debts & letting it impact on you; your MIL shouldn't have got involved; & comparing one family member to another commonly agreed to be a "waste of space" is always going to be deeply, deeply resented.

I'd stay well out of this if I were you - all of it. Doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic in any way, & they all sound as bad as each other in terms of the argument.

MillyBlods · 21/02/2014 15:43

Thanks for explaining. Most families have arguments and falling outs but the danger is that this could be the end of any relationship between your family and your in laws. My parents fell out with me and I didn't see them for 20 years and then they came back into my life and are both now ill so.....it depends how you and your husband seriously want this to go. If your husband feels strongly that he is in the right and that what he said to his Mother is ok then just move on without grandparents but if you want to stop this now then have a serious talk to your husband and sort it out.

Owllady · 21/02/2014 15:54

You know, having been through something myself I would say you have no place get to g in touch with the mum yourself, especially as she thinks it is okay to walk past you in the street.
I have Bern estranged from my own dad for 12 years and the estrangement came about in a similar way. We had a row. I never used to answer him back, he used to generally rip me to pieces. I said about two sentences back to him that were apparently unforgivable. I tried to make it up to him, blamed myself etc. Had two tiny babies. He dud not care.
Obv a lot of time has passed for me, but I had to receive counselling and through that I understood his behaviour had been emotionally abusive for quite a massive part of my childhood and with time I have moved on and yes, my children are definitely better off without a grandparent like that
Sperry if this US a ramble

MillyBlods · 21/02/2014 16:00

Owllady I can sympathise with your post. I too had counselling and also realised that I had an emotional abusive childhood which is horrible. Realising it was a big turning point for me and I then learnt a lot about myself.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 21/02/2014 16:33

I would leave the message until tomorrow, reread it, amend as appropriate IE: take out any unnecessary ranting / abuse then send and forget unless she makes the next move. It will hurt that she does not acknowledge you or Ds but it's her loss, you will have nothing to reprimand yourself for and it will get it off your chest.

hamptoncourt · 21/02/2014 18:23

I don't really understand what the issue is here. MN is full to bursting with women whose DH/DP will not cut contact with horrible toxic parent and they are on the verge of splitting up over it.

You on the other hand are wanting DH to re engage with his toxic family and even want to have a relationship with them separate from DH. Not exactly supportive is it? Why do you want to force yourself on them? They sound horrid.

I reckon you should back off or you may end up wishing you had been careful what you wished for.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/02/2014 18:26

Sounds like your MiL favours your BiL, why put your family through this?

hairypaws · 21/02/2014 18:35

Would probably have been best for your dh to sort things out with her prior to invite being sent. If I received an invite to a wedding, even from a close family member, I wouldn't attend either. They need to talk, an invite won't work without talking.

notanotherusername1 · 21/02/2014 18:55

Having come from a family who fall out and don't speak for weeks/months over petty rubbish I can sympathise with you.

I guess you need to have a long chat with dp and find out how keen he is to make amends and swallow a bit of pride (sometimes its best to be the better person, even if that pride makes you choke a bit)

Perhaps with your help he could write her a letter and use it as an olive branch. I know it's not easy but you have to work out if it's worth it and it's something that you really want to do.

I hope you manage to sort it out for the best. I have made a promise to my dc to end the crap that has gone on in my family and nothing would be worth me falling out with any of them.

Best of luck.

hamptoncourt · 21/02/2014 18:59

Sorry notanother but I could not let this comment "nothing would be worth me falling out with any of them. " go unchallenged.

Is this really what you want to teach your DC? That people can treat you any old shite way they like and you just suck it up cos they are faaaaamileee?

Most parents are keen to teach their DC that abuse is never acceptable.

Pumpkinpositive · 21/02/2014 19:03

If your MIL declined to acknowledge the birth of a grandchild, she's unlikely to let bygones be bygones for the sake of a wedding.

Upsetting as the situation must be, the argument is between your brother, his brother and their mother. Think you've done enough to try to open the channels of communication. Leave it to your MIL to make any overtures in the future and then your husband can decide whether he wants to reciprocate.

notanotherusername1 · 21/02/2014 19:05

I don't intend to fall out with any of my dc. I was referring to my toxic mother who has made my life hell with endless fallings out over nothing. She has split the family numouous times and my dc have seen me almost broken over her treatment of me. My oldest rang me up one day and said "Mum, promise me we will never end up like you and Nanna"

Like I say nothing would make me fall out with my dc.

VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 19:11

She didn't turn up when your baby is born? Because of a trivial argument?

Effing classy - I wouldn't bother chasing her, let DP deal with it.

everlong · 21/02/2014 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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