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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop seeing my friend cos of her DS

18 replies

daisydee43 · 17/02/2014 12:49

Hi have made a friend through a baby group and she has been very good to me but I'm reluctant to see too much of her as my dd hates her ds. They are tots abt 6 mths between them but I hate taking dd round there as he pulls her hair and hits her and his mum is so relaxed with his behaviour, don't know what to do - can't completely write her off as she knows my nanny
Confused

OP posts:

LoopyDoopyDoo · 17/02/2014 12:51

Yes, YABU, they are babies.

StarSwirl92 · 17/02/2014 12:54

Yanbu, if your dd keeps getting hurt why wouldn't you stop.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 17/02/2014 12:56

She's being unreasonable because she doesn't want her dd to be hit or have her hair pulled?

OP your problem seems to be the mother's lack of reaction to her ds's behaviour. He's too young to know what he's doing is wrong but it's up to her to teach him that it's wrong and she doesn't seem to be doing that. I'm not sure what you can do about it but hopefully someone will be able to suggest something. However, YANBU to not want your dd to have to put up with being hit.

Original poster

daisydee43 · 17/02/2014 13:01

Hi yes my friend seems to just say a weak stop it and apologise but nothing changes - he is 18m and dd is 2. Dd always cries when he gets close

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 17/02/2014 13:07

Couldn't you just be more proactive in protecting your daughter when he is around.

I wouldn't pander to her crying at him getting close when he hasn't actually done anything, but between two adults I'd have thought you'd be able to prevent an 18 month old causing harm to another child.

HauntedNoddyCar · 17/02/2014 13:15

We had similar but lots of children were frightened of him. Same weak response. It became worryingly violent and isolated his mother.
I go out in the evening with her.

AMumInScotland · 17/02/2014 13:18

How about meeting her out and about, at soft play or wherever, so that your dd is not 'expected' to play with this boy? It's not unusual behaviour at that age, but that doesn't mean it should be ignored or put up with. But out of her house, the dynamics are likely to be different.

You can always say something about how they seem not to play so well together at the moment if you don't want to be more specific.

Pimpf · 17/02/2014 13:20

I had this problem, except I could see mum was trying to stop it. Every time her ds approached my dd he went for her hair, we watched him like a hawk and every time he grabbed she would get his hand and open it so he stroked her hair and said "ah love dd2". It took time but it worked and 7 years later we are all still good friends

Chipandspuds · 17/02/2014 13:24

There is a child who does this with my DS sometimes...especially with toy grabbing, I just take the toy back and say "no xxx, DS was playing with that first, you can play with it when he's finished. Would you like to play with this toy instead?" That way I'm not offending the other parent but still teaching the child not to snatch.

With hitting etc., I remove DS from the situation and say "no xxx, DS doesn't like being hit, you mustn't hit DS it hurts him."

I hate having to tell off other peoples children, I've figured saying the above is the best way that I can do it!

BarbarianMum · 17/02/2014 13:25

What WooWoo said. Chances are this is just a phase and if you can keep your dd from getting hurt for a few weeks it will pass.

Fantissue · 17/02/2014 13:25

What is her knowing your nanny anything to do with it? A lot of people probably know your nanny and you don't have to be friends with them.

Elderberri · 17/02/2014 13:32

YANBU......I would walk.

I kept forcing my son to meet with a very good friend of mines child, lots of hitting etc. when I tried to address it all he'll broke loose. My DS I older teen, he still resents me for not protecting him, and forcing the situation on him.

bonzo77 · 17/02/2014 13:40

YANBU. I have similar. We met 2 years ago. The unprovoked aggression has escalated. The kids are at nursery together. DS wants nothing to do with the other child. IMO the other mother (in our case) has handled it really badly, which is not relevant. She knows there is a problem and I've been open about why we can't do play dates. We still see a lot of each other socially, just not with the kids. My mother made me spend a lot of time with a child who was awful to me when I was little. It really had contributed to isshoos I have now.

It's must be very hard for the other mother, she will feel isolated because if it, if you can see each other without the kids it would be a nice supportive thing to do.

RescueCack · 17/02/2014 13:44

We've had similar. They were staying with us for a week

I ended up carrying DS around with me on my hip to keep him safe. It sucked and unfortunately, has put me off having them to stay again. But you aren't obliged to pursue friendships you don't want.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2014 13:45

"my friend seems to just say a weak stop it and apologise but nothing changes"
OK, so at least she is aware of her DS's behaviour and knows she should stop it (even if she is too woossy to actually stop it). In which case, I would be up-front and honest with her. "Sorry, but your son's hair-pulling and hitting has upset my DD so much that she now cries when she just sees him coming for her. I think it's best that we keep them apart until you've got him past that stage." That gives her the hint that it's her job to get him past this stage.

CoffeeTea103 · 17/02/2014 13:54

The next time this happens, rather let your friend know how you feel about it and then stop seeing her. Yanbu, why would you expect to put up with your dd being subjected to this even though they're babies.

LucieLucie · 18/02/2014 02:19

It would be a shame to lose a good friend over what is in all honesty a passing phase. Is this her 1st child?

If so she maybe doesn't know how to handle it, she is maybe minimising it because she doesn't want to draw attention to it?

There is no way I could enjoy going there either and watch my child being hurt but I think I would deal with it by helicoptering my own the whole time. That way you could whisk her away when he goes to grab and the mother might get the hint.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 18/02/2014 02:50

Yanbu
But I would at least try to tell her

If it helps (feel silly saying this) I have a five yo ds and five month old dd, she rolls over and grabs him (absolutely adore each other) he doesn't like it, so instead of laughing an saying 'dd is a right little bully' like everyone else does, I bring her away and say 'now dd ds doesn't like that, it hurts him'
I know she's only 5 mo, but it reassures ds that he's cared about an protected iyswim, and it's never too early to lay down the law about good and bad touching

Agree with a pp even though I dread having to tell off another persons child, if their parents won't, I will.
Good suggestions how to approach it above, maybe it will drop your friend a hint bomb before her dc ends up bringing angry parents to her door lol

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