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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've pissed off my sister...

33 replies

ShabbyChic8 · 16/02/2014 19:23

I am my nephews' GodParent. (I am a Christian and sis had no Christian friends at the time) My sister found out that I am not returning the favour with my DC. She's now very upset. I understand she's upset, but I think she has to respect my decision. (I have Christian friends who I want to honour with the role of GodParent.) AIBU?

Is it unusual to ask aunties/uncles to be GP's too?

OP posts:

phantomnamechanger · 16/02/2014 19:25

Its your choice (you and your DPs) and the fact that she asked you has no bearing on the matter. She needs to get over it. what do your parents think?

exexpat · 16/02/2014 19:28

It always seems a bit of a waste to get family members to be godparents, since they already have a family relationship. My one surviving godparent is my aunt (the other two were family friends who both died before I was 5) so it seems rather pointless. I think asking non-family members is much more common than choosing aunts and uncles, isn't it? And as far as I am aware, there is no requirement to reciprocate.

I'm not Christian but have unofficial 'ungodparents' for my DCs, because I think it is a nice idea to have some other unrelated adult to be able to call on for advice, support etc as they get older.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 16/02/2014 19:30

How did she 'find out'?

Bowlersarm · 16/02/2014 19:32

Agree exexpat why bother making a relative a godparent? It goes without saying there is a string tie there already.

Much better to make someone who is not a blood relative a godparent IMO.

Original poster

ShabbyChic8 · 16/02/2014 19:33

My mum is very disappointed in me because I 'should have asked her'. I feel like such a bitch but I don't feel like I can just ask her because she's upset. I can honestly say I very rarely consider myself as GP, I am an Auntie to my nephews, that means so much more to me. However it clearly means something to my sis.

OP posts:

Dressingdown1 · 16/02/2014 19:35

I don't think there's a limit on the number of godparents you can have, so why not ask your sister as well as the other people you have chosen?

Original poster

ShabbyChic8 · 16/02/2014 19:37

I made reference to my DC's GodMother who is making an effort to come all the way from Scotland to a first birthday party. Sis then asked if she was GM. I can't remember what I said but I bumbled through some kind of awkward explanation. I forgot all about it but when she got home (2hour drive) I got a text saying how upset she was that I hadn't considered her.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 16/02/2014 19:38

My DD isn't christened. If she was, I like to think I would've chosen friends so as to widen her circle of people she is close to. In reality, I would've chosen my sis and SIL, because both would've been upset to be excluded (although neither would've said anything), and it would just seem like the right thing to have done.

My friend chose relatives for both her children's godparents, because she said she would always be in touch with family but friendships drift.

At the end of the day though, it is entirely up to you. Could you maybe ask your sister to be a GP as well as the people you have chosen? I don't think there is a set number that you can't deviate from.

DoJo · 16/02/2014 19:39

YANBU - it's not a reciprocal arrangement and she will always have a specific role in your child's life regardless. Choosing a friend who you want to take on the role is your prerogative as a parent - perhaps she would like to rescind your position and offer it to someone else if it bothers her that much!

Original poster

ShabbyChic8 · 16/02/2014 19:39

I may have to dressingdown1. I did say to my mum that if I 'should' ask sis then OH 'should' ask bro. Bro is an atheist and would laugh in our faces!

OP posts:

MetellaEstMater · 16/02/2014 19:42

It is not a tit for tat thing. One of my closest friends is godmother to DD1 and has just had her first baby. She is a practising Christian and has many friends in her church.
I would not be surprised nor upset if she and her DH felt that they would rather honour those friends by asking them to be godparents, though of course I'd be chuffed to bits if she did ask me.

BonaDea · 16/02/2014 19:44

Yanbu. She is already your dc's aunt, which to me is a far more significant role than god parent. It isn't a tit for tat thing and she's being silly.

LokiTheCynicalCat · 16/02/2014 19:48

We chose family and will next time. I love my friends dearly but I don't think they will all still be close to us (geographically or otherwise) as our children grow up. Some are planning to move away, some are planning careers, some are single but with a tendency to drop old friends once a new partner comes on the scene. Friends aren't a constant, especially not if you live in London as people are always coming and going. Family on the other hand will always be there and have plenty of opportunities through family events and meetings at mutual family members' homes to get to properly know your child, not just you.

I wouldn't ask a childless friend to babysit but I'd have no problem asking my sister or my husband's sisters if they lived close by - none of them do and despite that they have all babysat for us at least once. So right from the start our family have had a different relationship with the child, not just through the parents. Appointing godparents helps to cement that bond, for us.

Catsize · 16/02/2014 19:56

We purposefully didn't choose family, as there is already a close nexus. Further, it was important to us that those we chose were christian - some of the wording is pretty heavy! I know my brother has his eye on godparenthood for DC2, and I fear a similar situation to yours OP.

Purplepoodle · 16/02/2014 20:00

I can see your reasoning but if I was your sister I would still be upset

SuperScrimper · 16/02/2014 20:09

My sister didn't speak to me for 6 months after I didn't ask her to be DS's GodMother. She believes if you have a sister, you pick your sister.

She is still annoyed about it now tbh. 6 years later!

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 16/02/2014 20:11

"I wouldn't ask a childless friend to babysit."

Why on earth not, if they are good with kids and offer?

DumSpiroSpero · 16/02/2014 20:14

It always seems a bit of a waste to get family members to be godparents

This.

My MIL insisted we have BIL 'as he's got no children of his own' (by choice!). She was most put out when I put my foot down and said that was ok, but in that case DD will be having 2 GFs, as I really wanted to ask DH's best mate who was best man at our wedding.

I'm so glad we did. We see BIL 2-3 times a year and there's really no bond there at all. DD's GF comes and stays over once a month at least (he & DH share a hobby & he didn't live locally) and they have a great relationship.

Nine years on MIL still pulls a cats bum face and tries to correct DD when she refers to her honorary 'uncle'.

Even if you decide to.have your.sis, don't let.that put you off having your friends as well.

Hassled · 16/02/2014 20:15

Tbh I can see why your sister is upset - and whether she's being reasonable or not, it clearly matters to her so you need to give her a call and talk her through. Reassure her that you see the Aunt role as more important, make sure she knows you value her relationship with your DCs.

pinkflower1 · 16/02/2014 21:15

I'm in the exact same predicament as your sis at the moment and tbh it hurts, lots.
I'm desperately trying to get over it and haven't been funny with my sis but it's the first and last thing I think about every day, she's GM to all my 3.

MimiSunshine · 16/02/2014 22:34

Really, Aunties (and uncles) get upset for not being chosen to be godparents?
Why is that? They're blood relatives, they will already be virtual 2nd parents to the child (all the joy and being a confidant and less of the discipline). And if they won't be due to say geography or emtional closeness then why should they be chosen?

but then I often think that people who get kick off about not being chosen for a "significant role" in someone else's event often forget that the event isn't about them

harticus · 16/02/2014 22:38

I wouldn't ask a childless friend to babysit

WTF. Words fail me.

LongTailedTit · 16/02/2014 22:51

I'm the opposite - my v Christian DSis made me my DN2s Godparent despite the fact that I'm an atheist and his aunt...

At the time I didn't really understand the importance of the role so just accepted it, but now wish I'd said no. I am really not a Godparent in any way shape or form, apart from title. It feels insincere, and tbh a little disrespectful IYSWIM. Poor old DN got lumbered with a rubbish GP!

I'm pretty sure they only made me GP as they'd made BIL's DSis GP to their DC1 and thought it fair.

divisionbyzero · 17/02/2014 17:09

YANBU. A godparent has a particular job, swears an oath, and would have expectations placed on them. It is not a trifling badge to hand out like a present, it is a responsibility.

If you already have Christian friends who know the faith and will help your children to have it, it will save your sister memorizing the bible and teaching your children about it as much as is required. ;)

spindoctorofaethelred · 17/02/2014 17:25

What MimiFlowers said!

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