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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from my friend?

18 replies

ahfuckit · 13/02/2014 21:19

My Mum died on Monday. My DP is taking his son out for his 16th birthday on Friday night. He offered to stay home with me but I said don't worry, lots of friends have said they would 'do anything to help'. So today I texted a dear friend and my daughter's Godmother to ask if she would keep me company on Friday eve. She replied that she has Valentine's Day plans. When she and her DH split up, I went round to her house and supported her as much as I possibly could, nothing would have been too much trouble. I thought we were really close. All I have had from her since My Mum passed away is one text. No phone call. No card. Nothing . As far as I am concerned you only lose your Mum once - Valentine's Day will come around again. AIBU to be hurt that she is not prepared to do more than text me 'no - sorry'?

OP posts:
IDontBowlOnShabbos · 13/02/2014 21:28

I'm so sorry about your mum.
Your friend is being out of order but some people are just really shit at being there for other people. Don't think of it as a reflection on you, just as a really shit way to find out that this friend isn't the person you thought she was.
Is there anyone else you would feel comfortable asking? I know it would be hard after your friends behaviour but it sounds like you could really use someone being around.
If not, I know it's not much consolation, but I (and I'm sure loads of other mnetters) would be happy to log on Friday and keep you company if you need it.

Bearbehind · 13/02/2014 21:30

I do feel for you losing your Mum, but this friend clearly wasn't one of the ones who said she'd 'do anything to help' and given your DH thinks it's ok to go out, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Why not contact one of the friends who have offered support.

harticus · 13/02/2014 21:32

I am very sorry to hear about your mum and that your friend has let you down.

It seems that it is major events in your life such as this which reveal who your real friends are and who you can rely on.

Log on here instead.

Mim78 · 13/02/2014 21:36

Try not to feel to let down - it is a bit shit of her but maybe she feels it dh's role to be there and is confused as to why he is going out. Take up one of the friends who offered to do anything to help on their offer instead.

So sorry to hear about your mum. X

WooWooOwl · 13/02/2014 21:36

Sorry for your loss OP.

Your friend isn't out of order for sticking to her valentines day plans, some people like to make it special, and it's not as if she'd be the only one making the sacrifice if she came to yours. She has to consider her partner as well, and it's very short notice.

But she is out of order for only texting you once since you lost your Mum. You are right to expect a friend to show more support than that.

Goofymum · 13/02/2014 21:39

Yanbu. That would make me re-evaluate my friendship. If she really was a dear friend she would have rearranged her plans. So sorry to hear about your mum.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 13/02/2014 21:42

Sounds like it's a night in with Mumsnet! When I originlly texted her she said 'I am here if you need me for anything'. It's weird - out of all my mates I thought she would have been the one to step up, as she lost her father just before I knew her and I know how difficult she still finds it, 10 years on. Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:
OberonTheHopeful · 13/02/2014 21:43

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, a crisis will often show who your real friends actually are. I agree about contacting one of your other friends.

Bearbehind · 13/02/2014 21:45

Contact one of the people who have offered support OP, you don't sound like you want to be alone x

Original poster
ahfuckit · 13/02/2014 22:02

You're right, I would rather not be alone, but I'll be fine. Unfortunately my friends are mostly too far away to travel to be with me for an evening as I have moved around and so have they. The one other friend that is really close came over for lunch on Tuesday (with beautiful flowers), and she has troubles even greater than mine, so I don't want to ask her. (I have the feeling she will say yes even if it makes things really hard for her).

OP posts:
lazyhound444 · 13/02/2014 22:05

Some friends aren't good at this kind of thing, they're more for the "good" times in your life and can't cope with the bad stuff. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not worth keeping as a friend, just not for this kind of support.

Southeastdweller · 13/02/2014 22:09

Sounds like it's one of those times when you need to reclassify the friendship for your own piece of mind.

CoffeeTea103 · 13/02/2014 22:17

Sorry about your loss op. I think your friend isn't unreasonable if she had plans already and can't change them. But for all the other stuff you mentioned, she doesn't sound like a very good friend. You should reevaluate your friendship based on that not tomorrow night, it's only when you go through the tough times you find out who your true friends are.

caketinrosie · 13/02/2014 22:43

So sorry op, you should be able to rely on your friends but all too often you can't. It will be the ones you never expected who will step up. I went through similar when my dad died, it really shocked me how crappy people were. I think as odd is it might seem the care and support you get from this site can be so lovely. I'd also be happy to hold out a hand for holding anytime. Do something nice just for you that day. So very sorry for your loss Thanks

missingmumxox · 14/02/2014 01:24

Sorry about your mum x it's the ultimate time you need her most and she is gone... That makes sense if you think about it?
I lost my Mum nearly 17 years ago and my mn name is because I do.
I really don't think you should write if this friend yet, you mention the death of her father and her splitting up with her partner .... So something's can be to hard to bare, she lost a Dad, she might be scared if the emotion of a Mums death, I have to say I literally ignored friends parents deaths for about 5 years after my Mums, (fortunately not many as my mum died young I am nearly her age now) not purposely just I couldn't handle my grief and realised it was about them at the time not me and I knew I would not be able to be with them without being "all about me" which would be shit for them, but I could arrange things, pick up children, make a meal, buy shopping that sort if thing.
It valentines she has plans... Maybe she is hopeful of a new start? Proposal? Living together, announcing she is pregnant, we don't know.

I am inclined to be kind here too much crap in both your lives and maybe she is just turning that corner?

Monty27 · 14/02/2014 01:26

A bad night for all of you. Don't judge others. DP has offered to stay home.

Monty27 · 14/02/2014 01:27

Sorry, I meant to say accept his offer. And I'm very sorry about your loss. Not easy. Take help from those that offer it.

Foxy800 · 14/02/2014 07:59

SO sorry to hear of your loss.

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