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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be turned off my dp since he put on weight

22 replies

gingerprincess01 · 06/02/2014 21:28

When we got together we were both fairly trim, not gym fresh but ok. Over the years we've both put on weight and I'm now trying to eat healthier to reduce weight. The problem is dp starts to eat healthy then ends up gorging in the evenings. Due to this he has a noticeable overhanging belly which really turns me off. I know I'm being superficial as he's great in every other way but the belly has really put me off being intimate with him. He's always reassuring me that he fancies me no matter what weight I am, which just shows you how nice he is compared to me, but I can't say the same to him. AIBU telling him how I feel to get him to eat healthier, lose weight and improve sex life even though I sound shallow?

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 06/02/2014 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2014 21:32

Don't tell him as it will make matters worse

Why not go out in the evening to the gym to avoid him eating keep him busy

For health reasons it is best not be carry weight and to be active every day so keep busy together

lessonsintightropes · 06/02/2014 21:34

I think telling him will just make him feel shit and it will backfire on you, and I think you realise this or you wouldn't be asking the question. I assume you do still want to be with him?

Diversion such as the PP suggested might be helpful i.e. making sure if he does snack that there are nice, healthy things like chopped peppers (really sweet and crunchy) are around.

Original poster

gingerprincess01 · 06/02/2014 21:40

Thank you, you've confirmed what I thought, that I shouldn't tell him as it would make him feel like crap. That's the last thing I'd want to do as I love everything else about him. Thanks for the suggestions of what to do in the evening to divert overeating. Really appreciate the answers.

OP posts:

whois · 06/02/2014 21:51

Not U to be turned off, but you would be very U to tell him. Like others have said, try and keep him busy, cook healthier food and don't have stuff in the house on hand to pig on in the evenings.

FudgefaceMcZ · 06/02/2014 21:58

YABU, and if I was your partner and you told me this (or even I suspected it), I would dump you. Attraction shouldn't be just about what he looks like, are you going to go off him when he's 70 and a bit saggy all over ffs? Is it ok for men to say their wives are ugly if they have a belly overhang after a caesarian? I don't think it's really about you trying to divert his overeating, although if he wants to do that together then maybe it would be healthier, but about teaching yourself to appreciate people for more than their body. Think about the things you were attracted to about him before you even got his kit off, there must be some, and focus on those. It's not like you would even notice his belly if you were looking at him like someone who loves him.

Mim78 · 06/02/2014 22:13

I agree, you have to try to help him to be more healthy (and lose the belly) in a subtle way.

Overhanging bellies are a big turn off for me too, so you are not being U in feeling that way.

But it would be U to tell someone straight out.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 06/02/2014 22:20

DP put on weight since we have been together (not enough to stop the fried chicken, snacks and beer mind), he hates it. I still find him totally irresistible and can't really recall him looking any different.

Original poster

gingerprincess01 · 06/02/2014 22:24

Yes fudgeface I really understand what you're saying, and that's what's making me feel so bad. I do look at him and see all the things I fell in love with plus the extra things that makes me love him even more, I.e being an amazing father. I'll look over and see him cuddling our ds and melt, then he stands up and his belly protrudes and I can't help but think " I'd jump you as soon as ds is in bed but ur belly has killed it for me"

OP posts:

Tuhlulah · 06/02/2014 22:25

Tell him you are concerned about the effect on his health, especially his heart and aorta. All that belly fat signifies a whole lot of fat sitting in the internal organs, and clogging up the arteries. But god no don't tell him he's too fat to fancy. It's hurtful.

Purplepoodle · 06/02/2014 22:38

Get a wii and as soon as ds goes to bed, have a game of something. Also if you do to bring it in the house he can't eat it - years of living with a binging dad.

RubyGoat · 06/02/2014 22:47

Do what Tahluhlah said - If you concentrate on the health benefits etc, & suggest getting fitter together, he's much more likely to react positively, & feel you're a team trying to accomplish something together, rather than feel like you're dictating to him.

(I have had to be tactful with my DH on this very issue & this was the approach I took, it's working.)

pinkdelight · 06/02/2014 22:48

Men can generally lose weight a lot quicker (damn them!) so if he can make a few small changes it'd probably make all the difference. My dp stopped drinking on weekdays and started going to the gym twice a week and has noticeably trimmed down since new year. I didn't exactly say I didn't fancy the tubbier look but I also didn't let him think I loved it and he could let it go on getting bigger. Comments about health were more effective as he didn't want to end up as overweight and unhealthy as his dad.

Freyalright · 07/02/2014 00:53

It's understandable. I doubt you would have entered the relationship if he had always been that weight. I think you need to try and motivate each other to get active.

ChippingInWadesIn · 07/02/2014 00:57

You are as shallow as a puddle.

However, if he wants to lose weight then he needs to be eating better in the day so he's not eating crap at night. Look into low carbing for him and a dose of wake the fuck up for you - you have a lovely sounding man there, don't take him for granted.

Scarletohello · 07/02/2014 01:09

Sorry I do understand where you are coming from. I had a partner a few years ago who had a huge pregnant looking belly. It really put me off wanting to have sex with him ( and was also an indication of his inactivity and general sloth like ness. ) I ended it. I think you would be doing him a favour to say something. In a nice way tho...

MistressDeeCee · 07/02/2014 02:45

YANBU to be turned off. An overhanging belly would turn me off too. The part of me that wishes I were saintlike tells me I shouldn't feel that way, but I know I would. I wouldn't tell my OH that tho, as the rest of him and who he is to me, would transcend the belly. The suggestions you've been given re. healthy snacks around, keeping busy etc are good. Its nice that he's lovely otherwise. This is something you can work on together.

mercibucket · 07/02/2014 03:42

have you always felt this way or just since you yourself lost a bit of weight???

Oblomov · 07/02/2014 03:50

So you've put on weight? And are now trying to address it. But haven't actually lost it yet?
And he has too. But he hasn't started to address it?

I'm not as slim as I was when I first met dh. Neither is dh.
I think you've got a bit of a cheek.

Original poster

gingerprincess01 · 07/02/2014 03:51

Thanks everyone for the fantastic suggestions and will focus on getting healthy and fit together. mercibucket - no, I haven't lost any weight yet, I think it was actually the realisation of how I felt about dps belly that made me look at myself.

OP posts:

BraveLilBear · 07/02/2014 04:45

How old are your kids? If they're 5+ could you try a new family hobby that gets you all out doing something together?

Orienteering is fantastic as you go at your own pace, it's graduated so very easy to learn and it's great fun.

Would also suggest swimming, but might be tricky if you're all feeling a bit self conscious.

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs · 07/02/2014 04:51

I've always found that men really get on well with the slimming world plan, as you don't have to restrict portions too much. You could both go together, or I have even heard of men losing weight without going themselves as their partner is cooking healthier meals. If you don't go down that road, three things need to happen:

Cook healthy meals (if you do the cooking, think plenty of veg - assuming you cook that is)

Don't buy lots of snack foods (assuming you do the shopping) - if it is not there it can't be eaten.

Start exercising together - how about bike rides, swimming or couch 2 5k? Do not using exercising as a green light to eat more crap though - without serious changes to diet, exercise alone will rarely cause weight loss.

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