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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

take dd's bedroom away from her?

44 replies

midnightmemories · 05/02/2014 11:01

I have two dd's (13 & 8). Older DD has large bedroom and younger one is in the box room. Older DD is very untidy and I am fed up with how untidy she is. I gave up trying to hoover in there as floor is always covered with clothes etc. She now has to hoover it so it doesn't get done properly.

I have been threatening to make her switch rooms with her younger DD who I know would keep it tidy. She thinks that is very unfair, she will tidy it for a few days then we are back to square one.

Growing up I had three sisters. The oldest two had their own bedrooms. I shared with the youngest who was extremely untidy and I hated it. My older sisters were also untidy but my parents would never let me swap with either of them.

IABU to make DD move out of her large bedroom so the youngest can have it? It is unfair?

Not sure what to do. Oldest DD probably wouldn't forgive me though!

OP posts:
Mim78 · 05/02/2014 11:04

I think it would be unfair. She is not having to share in either scenario so can't see the logic.

SaucyJack · 05/02/2014 11:05

Personally, yes, I think it would be a pointless and unfair reason to make them switch.

DanceParty · 05/02/2014 11:06

Why would it be unfair Mim - can't see your logic.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 05/02/2014 11:09

Can't you just shut the door?

piratecat · 05/02/2014 11:13

i think you'll end up with a small room in a mess.

you need to address the problem itself.

screen time? take her phone off her?

it is pretty normal to be messy. my dd is 12 and once a week i go in with her and we tidy up together, i make her do it with me there. I am trying to encourage her to be responsible i suppose.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 05/02/2014 11:13

Will not make a jot of difference IME
My dd had a massive room and made massive mess
She was given smaller room when another dc arrived
Her smaller room is still a massive mess
I would spend time in her room with her tidying up together
It's win-win we chat and tidy and within short time it's all done
She probably needs you to hold her hand with tidying for a while longer
I remind my dd to tidy before it's a dump

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/02/2014 11:17

I don't understand what the point of this would be?

If it's as a punishment, then she'd need to be able to win it back - by keeping the small room tidy for a month, or something. It seems very unfair to move your younger daughter into a bigger room for a small time period, though, it'll make her room seem even smaller when she goes back to it.

If older DD can't win the bigger room back, it'll just cause resentment for an extended period.

That said, I am messy. I was a messy child, and I'm a messy adult. I live with my partner, who is tidy, and is bringing me into line. I can't help that I am not tidy, though - it just doesn't come naturally to me. It hasn't held me back in life, and being forced to be tidy makes me really anxious.

Close the door and leave her to it.

Onesleeptillwembley · 05/02/2014 11:21

I did a similar thing - it worked. Moved oldest to smallest room. Didn't move him back for ages either. Privileges should usually be earned, or if abused then taken away. You will be teaching her a good life lesson.

Onesleeptillwembley · 05/02/2014 11:21

And when we did swap back it was with agreement of youngest.

higgle · 05/02/2014 11:26

The present arrangement is quite fair because your younger daughter will presumably get the bigger room when her sister goes off to uni anyway. You need to ensure big room is tidied up and kept that way.
I was a very untidy child and argued constantly with my mother about it. My mother got in one of her friends who I very much admired for being very stylish and organised, she helped me tidy and re organise my room so that it was perfect, I was then monitored on keeping it that way, which was suddenly a lot easier.

Crowler · 05/02/2014 11:27

What's your aim here? To reward your daughters for tidying their rooms with the biggest room? What if your oldest daughter repents & does a good job with the smaller room - is your youngest daughter back in the small room?

Original poster
midnightmemories · 05/02/2014 11:30

Thank you all for your responses.

I used to go in there and tidy it up with her but gave up as it was even more untidier than ever as she new I would be helping.

Youngest DD would love a bigger bedroom. I think older DD should be grateful she has the bigger room and make more of an effort.

My thinking was that if she had the smaller room she would have to keep it tidier, especially as when her friends come round, space would be limited?

OP posts:
Original poster
midnightmemories · 05/02/2014 11:34

Also, we have spent considerable amount of money over the years buying storage units, new carpets etc.

Nail varnish stains on the carpet, her bedding, make-up smeared over her cabinets!

The desk we bought her doesn't get used as it is covered with all sorts of stuff.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 05/02/2014 11:37

YABVU to move her to a smaller bedroom.

A shed at the bottom of the garden, however would be perfect. Wink

Crowler · 05/02/2014 11:38

Ah. Rather like a puppy & a crate! Clever! I would be worried that it would cause tension between the sisters, I interpret this as rewarding your youngest for keeping her room cleaner than her sister's rather than creating an independent baseline.

anklebitersmum · 05/02/2014 11:39

Don't swap the bedrooms over it'll just change which room is a mess.

I'd be in there on a Friday with black bin bags and remove everything barr the essentials.

Guess what she'd be sorting out and organising over the weekend? Having to physically go through it all may well help with the inherent untidiness.

Original poster
midnightmemories · 05/02/2014 11:49

Anklebiter - Husband said a few times he'll go in with a bin bag and clear out everything that's lying around. I'll go with that then and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
midnightmemories · 05/02/2014 11:51

Grunt - We have already threatened her with similar - the garage!

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 05/02/2014 11:52

Why should the oldest child automatically get the bigger bedroom though?

It's your house do as you wish.

LadyInDisguise · 05/02/2014 11:58

I can't see how swapping bedroom will help re tidying.
It might actually mean a room that even messier (the same amount of mess in less space!).

There is something to say re the older child having the biggest bedroom though.
I know we have that arrangement and I have though before that actually now, it is dc2 would be better with the biggest bedroom as he still plays with toys whereas dc1 doesn't.
The argument 'but the youngest will get the biggest bedroom when the oldest goes to uni wouldn't work in our house.' Only one year apart... And tbh this is not the time when having a bigger bedroom will make the biggest difference.

DeWe · 05/02/2014 11:58

I can see where you're coming from.

I was the 2nd sister with the tiny room, and I did resent it. Particularly when told I couldn't have a dolls house because my room was too small (dsis didn't want one-her room was more than twice the size of mine) I also didn't have enough cupboard space to put stuff away, plus I had dm's wardrobe in as the bigger rooms had sloping ceilings so it didn't fit in. That wardrobe took up half my floor space-and meant I had a tiny wardrobe myself, as a bigger one didn't fit in. Hmm

I might discuss it with your dd1. Along the lines of "do you think you'd find it easier to keep a smaller room tidy". She'll probably explode at the thought, but then you can say that you'll consider swapping if she doesn't keep it tidy. You'll check it on Saturday evenings (or whatever).

However I think you could make her just feel insecure about what she has. I don't know how I'd have reacted to being told to swap-even for the bigger room. I would have felt insecure as I would have felt that neither room was mine and dp could change it back again. I found dp would suddenly swap round our furniture to a way they thought fitted better. I found that terribly stressful as it emphasised that none of it was mine. We had no say in it-at one point I had a cupboard that frankly scared me (always had done before it was put in my room), and it was swapped for one I had loved. I think that sort of thing makes me struggle with throwing stuff out etc.

Also what do you do if your younger one then turns messy, and your older starts being neat-or probably harder, they're then both messy or both neat?

And you might find your dd2 doesn't want to move either.

LadyInDisguise · 05/02/2014 11:58

We haven't swap them though. I can imagine how badly dc1 would take that decision....

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/02/2014 11:59

Is she at school?

Go in and collect everything that is on the floor. Put it in a bin bag. Hide binbag in garage.

She'll probably say nothing when she comes home, but she'll certainly ask where things are when she's looking for them. Say that you don't know. Say that her dad tidied her room because she wasn't.

Return items a few days later.

A sharp shock might be all she needs. I'd recommend agreeing with her about cleanliness standards, though. Can you compromise about the desk, for example? If she hoovers once a week and makes sure plates/cups/cutlery are all taken downstairs twice a week, is that okay?

Dromedary · 05/02/2014 12:01

I'd say the younger one should have the big room, as she will still be into toys and games, and need more space. Will also treat the extra space with more respect / make better use of it as is tidier. No reason why older should mean best room?

Preciousbane · 05/02/2014 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.