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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 20/01/2014 08:30

ybvu

ROARmeow · 20/01/2014 08:32

Is it her PFB?

In fact, even with my PFB I wouldn't have been so precious about his 3rd birthday Blush

At 3 he won't have any idea it's his birthday unless he's told. And even if the DH wants to celebrate his birthday then there's nothing to stop them having a second celebration when she returns.

Is still just stalling because she doesn't want to go to your wedding? Can she afford it?

She is BU.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:33

Care to elaborate wanderingsoul?

OP posts:
DrNick · 20/01/2014 08:33

she needs to get a life

CakePunch · 20/01/2014 08:33

When I was young my parents changed my birthday to suit them for some reason. The nursery mentioned to me that it was my birthday and I have been told all hell broke lose. I don't remember it though.

DrNick · 20/01/2014 08:35

oh its HER sons birthday.
hmm
think she is making an excuse - you offer to pay then see what happens

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:36

To be fair to her she's just mentioned the birthday in passing and isn't using it as an excuse not to come. Her PFB would be with her and would be a flower girl, which she would love.

OP posts:
whatareyoueventalkingabout · 20/01/2014 08:38

OP do you have kids yourself? Before I had one I might have agreed but now I would much prefer not to miss a birthday.

We had my dc's party early this year as we we're away for his actual birthday and sang happy birthday, but we didn't tell him it was his birthday!!!!!

I think YABU but I can see where you are coming from as it sounds a bit like your friend really wants to come

clarinetV2 · 20/01/2014 08:39

YANBU. When my DDs were small we celebrated their birthdays whenever it was convenient to us. For instance, my parents wanted to go on holiday at the same time as DD1's third birthday, and they'd been very involved in looking after her that year so didn't want to miss the party. It was no big deal to celebrate it two weeks later - DD didn't know the difference, and it meant my parents could be there, so everyone was happy. I'd go ahead and suggest it, she can always say no.

SpookedMackerel · 20/01/2014 08:40

We have celebrated Dd's birthday on a different day more than once, due to dh being away with work etc.
But we always marked her actual birthday too.

Dd would have no idea, BUT her birthday is a special day for me too, and I wouldn't suggest to another parent they should be away from their child on their birthday, and I wouldn't necessarily be that happy if someone suggested it to me, either, though I've done it.

I think you just have to see if your friend comes up with it herself, it's not something you can really suggest to someone else, IMO.

TicTacZebra · 20/01/2014 08:43

YANBU but neither is she if she decides not to miss her sons actual birthday. Birthdays are important to some people.

TinyTear · 20/01/2014 08:43

what the actualy fuck??
I would not miss my child's birthday at 2 or 3 or any age...

very very unreasonable...
talk about bridezilla

ChasedByBees · 20/01/2014 08:45

This is her decision. I wouldn't miss my child's birthday, it wouldn't matter to me how aware they were of it.

TinyTear · 20/01/2014 08:48

what the actualy fuck??
I would not miss my child's birthday at 2 or 3 or any age...

very very unreasonable...
talk about bridezilla

TinyTear · 20/01/2014 08:48

Sorry, not sure what happened there

QuintessentialShadows · 20/01/2014 08:48

Have you not invited your friends husband and youngest child?

If so I am not surprised she is declining the invitation. It does not matter if one child is a flower girl, or the queens mother, if the other is not coming.

Overseas travel is expensive anyway, especially between continents, whether there is 2 or 4 people travelling.

Yabu to expect any one to travel far for a wedding.

WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 08:52

YABU to suggest something so blatantly obvious that she could think of it herself if she would be prepared to do it.

She will know that she could postpone her ds's birthday, it doesn't take a genius to work it out. If she isn't suggesting it herself, then it probably means she doesn't want to.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2014 08:55

WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

Yes, you would be unreasonable to suggest it.

If they want to do that then they'll come up with the idea.

Birthdays matter more to some than others. I also think there's one thing having a party at a more convenient time, but to not mark the day for a week is a bit U.

Laurel1979 · 20/01/2014 08:58

YABU. If this was an option or something she wanted to do, I'm sure she would have thought of this and suggested it herself. She may have other reasons why she doesn't want to go eg financial, or not wanting to use up annual leave etc. She may be using the birthday as an excuse or maybe she just doesn't want to miss it, but either way I think you should respect her decision.

WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 09:02

Plenty of three year olds do know when their birthday is anyway, especially if it's something they talk about at nursery or if they have older siblings.

I wouldn't be at all comfortable lying to my child about something like that so that I could go to a wedding, even my best friends wedding, and I'd be even more uncomfortable asking older siblings to go along with it.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 09:08

Of course her DH and younger child are invited! They can't come for logistical and financial reasons. She is actually already travelling to the same country for her sister's wedding the week before so I just asked if she could stay on a bit longer for mine too. She is a SAHM.

To those who say a child's birthday can't be missed - they have one every year! Whereas I will only ever have one wedding. I hope!

My question was aimed at tapping the experience of those who have celebrated 3rd birthdays in terms of whether kids that age are aware of the date.

OP posts:
Tweasels · 20/01/2014 09:08

No, you don't suggest anything. She'll either come or she won't. You can't have control of that.

Maybe you should have planned your wedding for a different date if you're so keen to have her there.

Tobagostreet · 20/01/2014 09:10

Sorry, YWBU to suggest that she and her family lie to the child about his birthday. If my best friend suggested that to me, she'd go down in my estimation (big time).

Did you know it would be her DS's birthday (and that he couldn't come abroad) when you booked the wedding expecting her to attend? Not suggesting that you move the wedding date, but that if you knew it was his birthday, did you not expect it to be a difficult decision for her to choose to miss his birthday to come to another continent for a wedding?

I wouldn't miss my DS's birthday. Regardless of age.

Waltonswatcher1 · 20/01/2014 09:11

I wouldn't miss any of my Dcs birthdays . Especially not for a wedding as I hate them.
As for Pfb comments...my first is 14 and every birthday is as special as her first.
As for changing the birthday, a week is too far away.
I think suggesting to her would seem too selfish in my opinion.
Enjoy your big day op and if she can't make it just plan to do something together soon.

QuintessentialShadows · 20/01/2014 09:11

I am sorry to break this to you, but her child will be more important to her than you.

She probably does not want to stay even longer away from her dh and 3 year old. You are also asking that her dd misses her brothers birthday....

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