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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
Grennie · 20/01/2014 13:17

Angel, where I live getting another venue at this notice would be impossible. You would have to book a grotty room in a pub. London is a different ball game to most places.

diddl · 20/01/2014 13:24

Of course-she doesn't see her sister much so will want as much time as possible.

And she's currentlt thinking of onlt coming for a week?

Is she also restricted by her husband having time off to look after their son?

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 14:27

I think she was planning originally a few days before her DSis wedding, then a week with wider family and back to NZ the following weekend. A week and a half not much with antipidean jet lag. My wedding would entail an extra week. That's an extra week of childcare for her back home and, as someone said, extra expense on outings etc. I can easily cover the childcare cost but she and her DH are understandably proud. And maybe 2 weeks without Mummy is a bit much for a 3 year old who is used to her being his primary carer. Hell, even one week seems a bit harsh come to think of it. Perhaps she should not go to either weddiing....

OP posts:
Tweasels · 20/01/2014 14:33

Well done on how you've handled yourself on this thread Jessie. You've not deserved even half the shit you've had on here.

As I said earlier, please don't think all parents are obsessed with their children to the detriment of all others. FWIW, I'd 'move' the DC's birthday to accommodate a wedding. I suspect that's not probably the issue here though, it's more likely the length of time.

I'm in the UK all summer if you're short of guests.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 14:46

Thanks Tweasels. Thanks

OP posts:
Alifelivedforwards · 20/01/2014 15:13

Oof just read the whole thread. My brain hurts.

I have suprised myself by realising that I couldn't not be with any of my dc on their birthdays...suprised because I'm really not a mushy or precious type of person. But their birthdays are sooooooo exciting and important to them and I do think they would find out the truth if lied to (grandparents, friends, nursery school...someone would slip up). Plus it's the anniversary of their birth - for me it's a special day as well as for them.

I hope it all works out - I don't think you are being selfish for suggesting this solution though you were a bit mischievous with some other comments! Anyhow, have a wonderful wedding! Thanks

HaroldLloyd · 20/01/2014 15:24

I agree with tweasels OP you were only ASKING.

Can't think of anything to suggest, as you say even if you totally changed the date she would be unlikely to be able to fund another overseas trip.

I think your not unreasonable to ask at all, but for me an extra weeks childcare etc would be a logistical nightmare.

Personally, I would miss a birthday for a friend as good as you two seem to be and have a party on my return, however, add in the extra week childcare and expenses on top and that would be very hard for me.

Hope you can think of a solution.

diddl · 20/01/2014 16:24

A week & a half isn't long after such a flight.

Maybe that's all she can/wants to do?

pancakesfortea · 20/01/2014 16:35

My cousin is getting married the day after my niece's birthday and the day before my son's birthday. (Their birthdays are two days apart - she's only getting married once). So we will all be travelling on their birthdays. No one is the slightest bit bothered.

Birthdays are lovely, but in real life we still have other stuff to do on them like go to work, school, etc. Most birthday parties I have been to are not on the actual day but the nearest weekend or day the parents could get the church hall / soft play / whatever booked.

TheGirlWhoKickedTheVipersNest · 20/01/2014 16:35

You don't sound like a bridezilla at all OP! I would actually be really upset if a longstanding friend didn't want to come to my wedding because it was their child's birthday, although I can see that might not be the only factor here. I don't have children of my own though so I guess that gives me a different perspective.

KatnipEvergreen · 20/01/2014 16:40

I think it probably is the extra week without mummy that makes her reconsider. The longest I've ever been apart from either DD is 3 nights when DD1 was 2.

KatnipEvergreen · 20/01/2014 16:41

I meant, not reconsider- not consider extending the break. D'oh.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 20/01/2014 17:03

I think it's likely to be length of time away that is really the issue. I couldn't be apart from my toddler for 2.5 weeks and if his birthday coincided with that, it would make it even harder to contemplate. I know I couldn't do it for anyone's wedding. I feel for your friend as it must be a horrible decision to make - I bet she will hate flying home knowing your wedding is days away! But it's not so much that her son will or won't know it's his birthday - I don't think that matters as much - but what he WILL know is that Mummy has been away for a very long time and that would be hard for both of them. I can't answer for your friend, but it would be too hard for me.

This is the reason I could never emigrate!

nulgirl · 20/01/2014 17:59

For me it would be the total time away from my dc's that would cause me to decline. I simply wouldn't spend 3 weeks away from my dc's to attend weddings on the other side of the world. The actual birthday wouldn't be the deal breaker but I couldn't justify being apart from a 3 year old for that long.

haveyourselfashandy · 20/01/2014 18:32

Mmmm,I'd want to be at your wedding and wouldn't mind missing my child's birthday (bad mum),I'd just celebrate it with them another time.I would probably struggle to,be away from them for 2 to 3 weeks though.

SlimJiminy · 20/01/2014 18:36

I got married recently and I wouldn't even have considered asking my best mate to miss/postpone her child's birthday so she could be there. Understandable that you'd want her there if the circumstances were different, but her children are her priority now and you should leave it at that.

Book your date, let her know about it and make sure she doesn't feel any obligation to attend if she can't afford it/doesn't want to leave DH and children. You and your OH will have an amazing day - she'll see the photos and you can tell her all about it on the phone.

maddening · 20/01/2014 18:55

if the only issue is that the dh and ds can't afford to fly why not pay for their flights and their room and have a b-day cake made for him so they can be with their dc on the day of his bday but have a party when they get back?

tinierclanger · 20/01/2014 19:17

The birthday's a bit of a red herring really though isn't it?

One week away from smallest child to go to sisters wedding with 5 yr old feels ok.

2.5 weeks away from smallest child is a much bigger deal, plus her DH being in sole charge all that time might be a problem logistically.

And the option of taking both children even if financially viable would make it more like hard work and less like pleasure- whereas a week away with just the eldest is probably quite nice for them both.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 21/01/2014 00:38

Thanks everyone. The venue has availability on a weekday closer to her sister's wedding so we are now looking at that.

OP posts:
MakingEveryDayCount · 21/01/2014 00:50

YABVU, it's her child's birthday.Regardless of "whether they're old enough to understand" or whatever, it's not their birthday on a different date, is it/! Hence, not the same.
I definitely wouldn't have felt comfortable missing either of my children's birthdays to disappear off to another continent either!

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 21/01/2014 03:01

maddening it's not just cost, a big factor is that her DH can't get the leave from work. However we are now looking at him maybe bringing her DS over for the final week. I will pay for his flight and that way her family (minus sister, who will be on honeymoon) also get to meet her DS. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 21/01/2014 03:03

In fact the DS gets his third birthday with Grandad, Great Gran,great aunties and cousins galore! Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
TinyTear · 21/01/2014 08:25

That seems like a good solution and very kind of you Jessie

Apologies for my abruptness yesterday but I have my DD 2nd Birthday coming up and this made me realise i would never want to be away for it (I travel for work so it could one day be a possibility - shall make sure to book time off)

dorathedestroyer · 21/01/2014 08:39

That's really thoughtful of you, jessie - but if the venue is within half a day's travel of the other guests, I think you also have to be prepared for some of them to struggle to take two days off midweek. I guess it just comes down to who you want to have there most, and it's your day.

IceBeing · 21/01/2014 09:39

Gosh I must be mad. I think a birthday is just a day...I think I would have no problem missing DD's third birthday and would just celebrate when I got back.

I feel really weird to know everyone else feels that birthdays are unmissable.

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