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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
TortillasAndChocolate · 20/01/2014 09:34

I wouldn't miss my sons 3rd birthday for someone else's wedding. I also wouldn't want to be on a different continent to him. But everyone is different.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to your wedding and say you would love her to be there. But let her decide for herself without pressuring her. It's her decision.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 09:35

Dontmindifidowhy would you say a clise friend (who would be there as I git ready and whose DD will be a flower girl) is not "directly involved"? In fact she would be the person at the wedding I have known longer than anyone else other than my DB as my parents have both passed away and I have no aunts, uncles or cousins.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 20/01/2014 09:35

YABU, my 3yo wouldn't have been fooled. And she might just not want to leave him at all to come to your wedding. I never understand why it means so much for people to have friends from far away at their wedding. Just enjoy getting married to your loved one. It won't be any less wonderful for not having her watching from the sidelines. She can come over with the whole family when it's more convenient.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 20/01/2014 09:36

Yabu.

As much as I'm sure she wants to be there, her life does not recover around your wedding. You may find she considers her child's birthday more important. I think you're being slightly bridezilla like.

WilsonFrickett · 20/01/2014 09:36

I don't think you are being U. If my BF was getting married and very thoughtfully planned her wedding round another commitment I had which meant I wouldn't have to travel twice, I'd be delighted. And I'd celebrate my PFB's birthday when we got back.

RestingActress · 20/01/2014 09:37

My DS is 15. He still wants his parents on his birthday at his age, he celebrated with his friends not us, but that is his choice.

Even if he didn't want to involve us in his birthday, it is still a special day to me, it is a celebration of the day that my child was born.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 09:37

I don't think you can suggest anything. I personally don't understand this attitude, but then I don't have children, and our birthdays were not big affairs when I was a child.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 09:38

Tweasels it is in the UK, but the UK is "abroad" to me now.

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 20/01/2014 09:39

Sorry my daughters birthday trumps any wedding IMO. If I couldn't spend the day with her in order to attend a wedding I would most certainly not be going.

sallysoubriquet · 20/01/2014 09:40

Jessie, you asked, you've been told. I have not seen any nastiness or snippiness in any of the replies. . However your own 'surely my one wedding is more important than an annual birthday' really did seem to be making assumptions.

I LOVE weddings by the way sometimes the bride and grrom can be a bit of a pill, and in fairness to you OP I really think you need to have children yourself before you can appreciate what a big emotional deal their birthdays are (or can be!)

OddFodd · 20/01/2014 09:41

Once you have children, they become more important than your friends I'm afraid.

I think it would be utterly disastrous if you make this into a choice between his and you as he's always going to win - he's her child. So don't 'suggest' anything. Find out when would be the best date for you to hold your wedding so she can be back in time for her son's birthday. If that's not possible, you may have to accept that her (and her daughter) being home for his birthday may trump your wedding.

blackandwhiteandredallover · 20/01/2014 09:42

We 'moved' DD's 4th birthday by one day so we could go to a wedding. She was none the wiser.

However, YABU to suggest it to her. It is up to her to make that decision and you shouldn't pressure her.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 09:42

Those who see their children's birthdays as an enormous deal - were your birthdays treated in that way when you were a child?

Tweasels · 20/01/2014 09:43

Ah, I'm with you

I have long term friendships like yours Jessie so totally get the importance. Ignore all the "now she has children, why would you matter" bullshit. Many of us can manage to have children and maintain friendships. Very strange attitude that.

There has to be a workable solution...

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/01/2014 09:44

"WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later."

YWBU to suggest this, because it's not like it hasn't occurred to her as a possibility.

She's just weighing up whether she wants to do it or not.

And she's under no obligation to attend your wedding, so you don't get to offer helpful "hints" like that to try to twist her arm.

I have to say that if I was facing this dilemma, and the person who wanted me to visit them started telling me how to manage my own kid's expectations and possible disappointment that I wasn't there, I'd find that really annoying.

If she can come, she'll come.

diddl · 20/01/2014 09:45

It's not just her though-his sister would also miss his birthday.

How much longer would she have to add onto her trip to attend your wedding?

WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 09:46

What are the reasons that your friend can't bring her son? Is there any way those reasons can be worked around?

GiniCooper · 20/01/2014 09:48

If you are that close and you mean as much to friend as she does to you, SHE will be there.

If she's giving flimsy responses already I'd plan away my day to suit myself.

TheSurgeonsMate · 20/01/2014 09:49

In terms of the experience you want to tap - it would have been really tricky to pull this one on my 3 year old. And I would have been embarrassed to explain this to you - it is inevitably going to sound either like boasting or like telling you you haven't a scoobie what you're talking about.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/01/2014 09:50

'OOH squeee - We'll just give DS a second third birthday surprise when I get back'
vs
'OOh no, no can do as I don't want to miss DS's birthday'

You have your answer.

diddl · 20/01/2014 09:51

And it,s not just about his bday, but how much longer she would have to be away from him.

Her husband is more than likely cpable of doing a bday & her son may or may not be bothered if she is there.

But it's also about her wanting to be there.

Guitargirl · 20/01/2014 09:53

If your friend is already travelling to her sister's wedding then she will probably want to go home and see her son on his birthday after that.

It's my son's 5th birthday this week and the amount of things I have moved/rearranged at work so that I can take him to school and pick him up on that day are unbelievable.

You said you were trying to get a feel for how important children's birthdays at that age are for mothers. Well, I can't speak for every mother but I would not be missing my child's birthday to attend a wedding.

OddFodd · 20/01/2014 09:54

I totally think that long-term friendships are important. But I'm not able to go to my best friend's 'big' birthday weekend this year because she's organised it for the weekend of his birthday.

It doesn't mean that I don't value her friendship or that she's any less important in my life.

WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 09:57

Maybe, seeing as how you haven't booked a date yet, your friend was hoping that as her friendship means a lot to you, that you would reconsider the date when she told you that it was her sons birthday.

She might be thinking exactly the same as you about where priorities in friendships lie.

CouthyMow · 20/01/2014 09:57

My DS3 is turning 3yo on Friday. (Where the heck has 3 years gone??!!). He would most definitely notice, as they have Birthday signs on the wall at preschool.

Surely if this is your best friend, and you really wanted her at your wedding, you wouldn't have booked it to coincide with he.r DC's Birthday?!

No way would I be putting anyone's wedding above one of my DC's birthdays. Anyone that booked a wedding over one of their Birthdays would just have to accept that my DC's come first.

Are you possibly getting a teensy bit bridezilla?

YABU. If you are such good friends, then you would know when her DS's Birthday is, and you wouldn't be trying to make her choose between you or her DC.