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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
sallysoubriquet · 20/01/2014 09:12

To those who say a child's birthday can't be missed - they have one every year!

I think this answers the question as to whether Jessie has any children of her own! But just to clarify, it would not be at all unreasonable (or unusual) for any mother to rank any birthday of her children more highly than a friend's wedding.

ChasedByBees · 20/01/2014 09:14

If she's already in the country a week before then she probably considers it too long to leave her child.

I had a business trip that arrived back the night before my child's 2nd birthday. There was the possibility of extending the trip but I refused as I wanted to be there for her birthday and she would have been sad without me. Silly or not, I didn't want her to be sad on her actual birthday.

Whilst to you, her being there is the most important thing, for her, being with her family is the most important thing. And that's her choice to make.

Tobagostreet · 20/01/2014 09:15

^ what Sally said. Grin

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 09:15

Tweasels we have not fixed the date yet. I have just told her about the possibility of having it on the closest available date to when she was already in the country for other reasons. She hasn't said she won't come flbecause of her DS'birthday, just commented she'd feel like a bad Mum for missing it. And I only told her the date about 3 hours ago!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 20/01/2014 09:16

(Her being there at your wedding) that's meant to say

DontmindifIdo · 20/01/2014 09:16

YWBU if you suggested she missed her DS's birthday and lied about when it was to him, esp as he has older siblings who will know.

However, if she wants to do that, it's her call.

At the risk of upsetting you, a wedding, no matter how close the person is to you, is not as important as a child's birthday - with the possible exception of your own wedding. It would be nice for her to go to your wedding, but it's not important, it's only important to the people directly involved, a friend is not one of those. Sorry if you hadn't realised that yet.

BrickorCleat · 20/01/2014 09:17

To those who say a child's birthday can't be missed - they have one every year! Whereas I will only ever have one wedding. I hope!

And every single birthday is special, and should involve, where possible, parents and siblings.

Please don't ask her to do this. If she'd thought about it, she would have offered.

I'm afraid I don't see someone else's wedding as quite the be all and end all they may wish it to be.

Yes, you'll hopefully only have one, but your focus should be on you and your husband to be rather than guests.

If she's already travelling home for her own sister's wedding, she'll probably be ready to get home to her other child and husband.

Hope your day goes well whether she's there or not!

WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 09:17

It doesn't really matter whether kids in general know it's their third birthday or not.

What matters is whether this three year old and his sister will know, and whether your friend feels ok with missing his birthday.

Tbh, if she's going to be away from her DH and child the week before anyway, the bigger concern is likely to be that she wouldn't want to be away from them for an extra week, and whether the DH is willing and able to take an extra week off work.

You sound very entitled by saying that children have birthdays every year but that you will only have one wedding. Friends weddings aren't as important to most people as their own children's birthdays.

DontmindifIdo · 20/01/2014 09:18

oh just seen your post that you haven't set the date yet, then could you go for before her sisters wedding so she comes over earlier rather than stays later?

diddl · 20/01/2014 09:20

How long will she be over for her sister's wedding & how far away from you?

As said, she might not want to stay longer.

Could you get married during the time that you already know she will be there?

Tweasels · 20/01/2014 09:21

Ah, ok.

I still think you cannot make any suggestions about how she should deal with it. I think she was very gently trying to tell you that she doesn't want to miss her child's birthday. You will sound like a bridezilla if you start making suggestions. It's also putting her in a really difficult position where she'll feel like she's letting someone down.

sallysoubriquet · 20/01/2014 09:22

just commented she'd feel like a bad Mum for missing it

I understand that. So just think how much worse she would feel if she lied about it into the bargain.

Look, I hope you have a wonderful wonderful day, but I implore you not event to consider giving your friend this kind of gulit trip dilemma.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 09:24

To all those who have felt the need to be accusatory about my allegedly placing myself above her children, I was trying to get a feel for whether birthdays are a big deal among mothers of kids that age. I was not making any assumptions nor have I said I am in any way angry or intolerant of her decision to prioritise the birthday, if that's what she chooses to do.

However it is interesting that so many on here believe that it is not even worth contemplating that a very long and close friendship (33 years actually)might still be valued by a person after she has children.

I also forgot that Mumsnetters generally hate weddings. Grin

OP posts:
SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 20/01/2014 09:24

Have you thought about getting married abroad?

If you haven't set the date etc, you could get married near her gaff.

TinyTear · 20/01/2014 09:27

You most definitely don't have children if you think a friendship is more important... especially with children that young...

Ok, maybe a 15 year old will just want to go out with mates and not care if the mother is around, but not a 3 year old...

diddl · 20/01/2014 09:28

"just commented she'd feel like a bad Mum for missing it"

TBH, I think that you have your answer there.

You've put that you would like her at your wedding-but is she as bothered?

I'd be reluctant to leave my kids for a friend's wedding-even if they offered to pay!

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 09:28

Twinkle I am getting married abroad actually. Neither of us lives in the UK any more. But she's even further away than me.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 09:29

Close friendships and weddings are still valued by people after they have children. Hmm

Its very telling that you consider the birthday to be the bigger issue than being out of the country and away from her small child and husband for an extra week.

And fwiw, I fucking love weddings!

Tobagostreet · 20/01/2014 09:29

Jessie - you asked if you were being unreasonable to suggest she lie to her son and make her family complicit in the lie.

The overwhelming response if that YABU to do so. The posters above are qualifying their response by giving rationale as to why they think YABU. That includes personal opinions from mums who would never put their friend (even one if 33 yrs) above their child.

It's crap to come in AIBU and find out that yes, you are! But you asked. We responded.

Oh, and I love weddings and hope yours is a very happy day for you Thanks.

Ra88 · 20/01/2014 09:30

I wouldn't be missing my child's birthday , each to their own though !

UriGeller · 20/01/2014 09:31

If she decided reluctantly to attend your wedding instead of be with her son on his 3rd birthday (and actually, children may have a birthday every year but he will on have ONE third birthday, EVER whereas you may have more than one wedding).

She'll be unhappy shes not with her little boy. Imagine her being the miserable drunk at your wedding, I bet you'd be furious with her for bringing the happy mood of your lovely day down.

YABU

Tweasels · 20/01/2014 09:31

Before I had children, I would have thought along your lines OP, I don't think you are being selfish I can see that you're just trying to find a solution (be it a bit misguided!)

I can guarantee that she will be having a dilemma now and feeling dreadful that she might miss your wedding.

Maybe get in touch and say you are so keen to have her there but totally understand about her DS's birthday and you were just trying to accommodate her. Ask if she has any ideas about when/if she could be in the UK and if it's not possible then it's fine. You'll honestly have a great time regardless. You could maybe do some Skype type thing at the reception or something.

DigestivesAndPhiladelphia · 20/01/2014 09:31

I would never choose to miss my child's birthday.

Three is also old enough to know what and when a birthday is. My DD has been talking about her third birthday for a while. She knows what a birthday party is because she has been to other parties. DD has been planning her party, talking about having a cake and balloons and telling me who she wants to invite.

Of course, if your friend doesn't mind missing it, that would be fine. Is her child invited to your wedding?

3bunnies · 20/01/2014 09:32

I have moved birthdays a little due to being school days, day trips etc and there have been no ill effects but I have always been with my child and I think it is something for the parents to decide. On that day I usually look back and think 'oh glad that pain is over, s/he was born about now, etc' as a parent it is a day of reflection as well as celebrating and maybe forgetting a few of the horrible bits of childbirth. I think that the fact that she responded so quickly is an indication to you that she might put her son's birthday above your wedding.

If it is vital to you that she is there then you might need her to suggest dates which work for her, otherwise maybe plan to meet up for a pre wedding drink with her if one of her relatives could have her daughter. To be honest on the day you will be so busy with all your other guests that although you might miss her in the photos you will have very little quality time with her. It is a shame to have travelled all that way and disrupted her family life for a few dashed conversations on one day.

Tweasels · 20/01/2014 09:33

Sorry xpost ignore bit about UK [insert wedding country of choice]