Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:

Jemimapuddlemuck · 20/01/2014 10:56

Why will the venue make such a difference to the guests' enjoyment? (Genuine question). I've never really been that bothered about where a wedding is held as long as there's wine

notso · 20/01/2014 11:00

It wouldn't bother me at all.
My Mums birthday is the day before mine and a couple of times I stayed at my Grandmas so my parents could celebrate my Mums birthday. I loved it as it was like double celebration. My Grandma made a huge fuss then so did my Mum and Dad when I saw them.
Many people have parties etc at the weekend if they have a weekday birthday, it's not a big issue.

FreshCucumber · 20/01/2014 11:04

OP do you have any possibility to do the wedding before the other wedding your friend is invited to? Appreciate that you will have little choice re availability but might be worth looking at.

Also misunderstood your OP, I thought it was the child who will be there in the uk who had his b'day...
How is your friend nitmally re her dcs? Quite layback and going with the flow or thinking that any event like this are essentialeven if they will NOT remember a thing about 2 years down the line?

curlew · 20/01/2014 11:04

It's utterly bizarre that people are suggesting that a 3rd birthday is more important than a very long standing friend's wedding day! And that the OP should actually move her wedding to accommodate.

3 year old has two birthdays this year. Win/win. Sorted.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 20/01/2014 11:07

I am not a precious parent at all but I wouldn't miss any of my children's birthdays, I would postpone parties and I might not make the day all singing all dancing spectacular, but I would want to be with them

You would be very unreasonable to suggest it, if she is happy to be away on his birthday she will suggest it herself

You are being unreasonable to think that if she puts her dc first she is devaluing your friendship, as others have said if it was that important to you you would have taken her plans into account so she could come. As it stands if she isn't there I don't think it would be the fault of either of you, just one of those things

You are being very unreasonable to suggest that having children and making them your priority means you don't value old friendships. Friends are very important but surely any reasonable adult wouldn't sulk if a parent put their child's needs first

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 11:08

Answer to your genuine question:

Accessibility to keep journey time down as most guests travelling from other parts of the UK/flying into the nearest airport.

Quality of food.

Availability of rooms on site to limit travel after the event

Dimensions of rooms for best flow/comfort and room for ceilidh dancing.

People enjoy nice surroundings and it is very special.

OP posts:

curlew · 20/01/2014 11:11

"Friends are very important but surely any reasonable adult wouldn't sulk if a parent put their child's needs first"

I wouldn't if a friend put their child's needs first. I would certainly reevaluate a friendship if the friend put their child's birthday before my wedding day.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/01/2014 11:14

To be honest I think it would be a shame to be away for a DC's birthday but I would probably do it in the circumstances you describe (it falling between two weddings a week apart at the other side of the world). I'd then have the celebration on the weekend after I got back. She could always Skype to what DS opening his cards and presents. If she's travelling all that way already it would be a shame if she couldn't manage your wedding for this reason.

As a few others have said when birthdays fall on weekdays they are not that exciting anyway and the more interesting day is the one where you get a party / birthday tea / birthday treat even if that's not the birthday. I probably wouldn't lie about the date but don't see postpone the main celebration as too big a deal.

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 11:15

And that, curlew was precisely the purpose of my post, to canvass opinion as to whether celebrating a 3rd birthday with his Mum on the actual day was a "need" or a "nice to have".

Do you have children?

OP posts:

diddl · 20/01/2014 11:17

It's not just the birthday though.

OPs friend will have alredy spent time away from her son & this would involve more.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 11:18

Yes as a guest at weddings I do think the venue matters.

Thetallesttower · 20/01/2014 11:18

I wouldn't care about being away for a 3 year old's birthday on the exact day itself if it couldn't be helped, my parents moved my birthday once as we were doing something else on that day and I didn't notice! My husband is often away working on my children's birthdays- we make sure we have a birthday week and do lots of activities/celebrating/having a friend party either the weekend before or after.

I am amazed people would miss a very good friend's wedding if that's the real reason, I think as others have said its far more likely she will be away already quite a while, and coupled with the birthday, it's better for her to go home.

curlew · 20/01/2014 11:19

Yes, Jessie, I do.

Thetallesttower · 20/01/2014 11:19

So, my children often have to have just one parent there on a birthday, I don't think it's a big deal unless you make it one or make out its symbolic in some way. When their dad gets back from working away he brings them better presents!

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 11:20

oh, by the way sallysoubriquet it's a sad indictment of MN that saying something is "interesting" is seen as "goadyfuckery". I genuinely find the consensus of opinion to be interesting. However the default assumption on here is that all posts are sarcastic or snarky. Can we have a "not being sarcastic" emoticon?

OP posts:

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 20/01/2014 11:21

The thing is you could also ask is going to a wedding a 'need' or a 'nice to have'. The answer to both questions depends on the person

I would never expect anyone to choose the date of a wedding to fit around birthdays or prior commitments but I would also not expect anyone to come to a wedding if it wasn't convienient. It's not a right or wrong situation

MeepMeepVrooooom · 20/01/2014 11:21

Ok I think the venue sounds brilliant.

I'm sure there are others that could accommodate but it's your wedding and your choice. It's sad if your friend maybe can't make it but tbh if it was me there would be no way in hell I would stay away from my 3yo for another week and on top of that miss their birthday.

I would also say it doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship any less than before but just that she values these special days with her family more now.

I adore my friends but my DD comes first and that means being there for things like Birthdays. Hope you have a great wedding day, maybe try and arrange a trip to your friends soon, a holiday plus proper one on one time will be better than a few snatched conversations on a day you will be so so busy speaking to everyone already.

sallysoubriquet · 20/01/2014 11:23

Can we have a "not being sarcastic" emoticon?

Excellent idea! And apologies for mis hearing the tone!

MeepMeepVrooooom · 20/01/2014 11:25

Sorry, was meant to say... doesn't mean she values your friend any less*

OxfordBags · 20/01/2014 11:28

My son's birthdays will always take priority over something like a wedding. Because I love him more than anyone else, and he is more important to me than anyone else. Any adult who thinks a parent will care about their wedding day over their child's special day needs a reality check. And more importantly than my feelings, my son's wants and needs for me will always take priority over anyone else. Be away from him for over a week and for his birthday because someone is getting married? Yeah, right, like that's going to happen!

OP, weddings just aren't that important to anyone who's not the bride and groom (or possibly some MILs and mothers). Children are. Like Kaleesi says, you shouldn't have to make your wedding day fit in with birthdays and so on, but equally you can't expect anyone to miss events in their own lives to fit in with you.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 11:31

"you can't expect anyone to miss events in their own lives to fit in with you."

Totally totally disagree with this general sentiment. I have friends I love for whom I will miss events for special reasons.

Original poster

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 11:34

Grennie and Curlew (and Sally since we kissed and made up) would you like to come to my wedding

OP posts:

Grennie · 20/01/2014 11:35

Yes please!

curlew · 20/01/2014 11:38

I love my children more than anyone else in the world too. But not to the exclusion of anyone else in the world!

curlew · 20/01/2014 11:40

"Any adult who thinks a parent will care about their wedding day over their child's special day needs a reality check."

Wow. Just wow.

So would you miss, say, your sister's wedding because it was your child's birthday? How would that go down?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9