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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
BeverlyMoss · 20/01/2014 09:58

I would say similar to Ribena, - you have only just told her of your plans and her initial reaction was not wanting to miss her son's Birthday.

If her being there is hugely important to you can you be flexible for her? - Ask her how you can get round this problem.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 20/01/2014 09:58

Those who see their children's birthdays as an enormous deal - were your birthdays treated in that way when you were a child

I've no idea, I know I had parties. But my dad was terminally ill so I think my brother and I were spoilt a bit to make up for the situation.

I don't see how you remember your childhood as relevant, it's how the parents feel. I wouldn't miss my child's birthday for a wedding, unless I could bring him with me. It's important to me and DH, that's what matters. And no, we don't go over board.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 20/01/2014 09:59

DS will be 3 at the end of this month and he is counting down the days. He is very aware of the day and date of his birthday and there is no way I wouldn't be with him for it.

Grennie why did you ask about posters' own birthdays as children?

Morgause · 20/01/2014 09:59

If she's such a valued friend maybe change the date of the wedding so she doesn't have to choose.

I would never have missed any of my DCs birthdays when they were young. You may only get married once but her DS will only have his 3rd birthday once. A good friend would understand a mother wanting to be with her son on his birthday.

BeverlyMoss · 20/01/2014 10:01

And personally speaking, yes, childrens' birthdays are a big deal. No way would I want to miss them, and I would not feel right about postponing it.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 10:02

I asked, because I was trying to understand why some parents saw their DCs birthday's as incredibly important, and others less so. I am constantly amazed at parents on here who are upset if they have to work on their DC's birthday for example.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:03

She has already said her DD would absolutely love to be a flower girl (her sister's wedding is not that type so the DD won't be one for her aunt). I am pretty sure that when I was 5 my Brother's birthday would have been trumped by being a bridesmaid. But do not fear, I will not be making any suggestions. Birthday or no birthday. The crux is that it would make her stay a very long trip, too long for all involved on both sides of the world, if they extend. I can't get a closer date without changing venue , which I am not prepared to do,so I guess that tells me where my priorities lie anyway....

These situations are unfortunately par for the course when people emigrate.

Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 20/01/2014 10:03

"They will have a Birthday every year. I will only have one wedding".

WHAT?! Yep, VERY Bridezilla. Thinking that because it is your wedding, she should put that first, above her DC's Birthday.

Her Sister wanted her there at her wedding, and therefore didn't book her wedding to coincide with her DC's Birthday.

You want her there, but booked your wedding over her DC's Birthday.

Which is the more sensible option if you really want a particular guest at your wedding...?

Seriously, if she chooses not to come, it's not because you aren't important to her, but because her DC's are MORE important to her. You can't argue that.

Jemimapuddlemuck · 20/01/2014 10:05

If my best friend lived abroad and I really wanted her at my wedding I would consult her about the date. And definitely avoid clashing with her DC's birthday! YABU and I bet she's a bit pissed off with you.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/01/2014 10:07

I can't get a closer date without changing venue , which I am not prepared to do,so I guess that tells me where my priorities lie anyway...

Yes it does.

WooWooOwl · 20/01/2014 10:08

That's hilarious!

You considered asking her to stay away from her family for a whole extra week, thereby missing her sons third birthday, then you bang on about the importance of friendship, and then you admit you wouldn't even consider having a different building to get married in so that this friend could be there!?

Just Shock

LouiseSmith · 20/01/2014 10:08

YABU, I wouldn't miss my child's birthday for the world. Weather he was with his father or not. It's like saying can't you postpone the wedding?

After all you choose the date, he was born totally in aware of the day,

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 20/01/2014 10:09

Grennie, okay, I get that but I don't see how it relates to posters' own birthdays as children. I wouldn't mind working on DS' birthday as long as I got to see him and spend some time with him. I didn't have lots of birthday parties as a child but I was always with my DM and she made it special.

Jessie I hope you have a lovely wedding whatever you decide. You're right, it is par for the course when friends are all over the world.

pinkdelight · 20/01/2014 10:09

Grennie it's irrelevant how we felt about our birthdays as kids. The point isn't especially about how the DS feels, it's about how the mum feels. Yes, my DS would know if we fudged his birthday but he'd deal with it. He has to go with the flow and trust us that we're doing right by him. But that doesn't mean I'd feel fine fudging it and not being there with him. Remember, there are all manner of things that mean a lot to parents that kids couldn't give a stuff about. You only remember how you felt, not what it might have meant to your parents whose lives revolved around you.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:10

couthy I know exactly when her DS' birthday is. Her children get Christmas and birthday presents from me every year and I talk to them regularly on skype.

I haven't booked the wedding. The venue we like has availability closeish to her pre-planned trip and I asked if she might be able to stay on a bit if we chose that date. There are no available closer dates. We are arranging at less than 6 months'notice and most places are booked up.

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 20/01/2014 10:11

I am also quite Shock at the venue comment. Is it any wonder that some people don't like weddings when you see how it makes people behave.

MrsCosmopilite · 20/01/2014 10:15

My DD's 3 today, I have only the one DC. We celebrated on Saturday as that was convenient for friends/family. Today she's at nursery. I told her today is her actual birthday but we celebrated a different day so people could see her. No problem with any of that at all, either with me or with her.

CouthyMow · 20/01/2014 10:17

It wouldn't be that she "doesn't value a long friendship". It would be that her DC's come first. You WILL understand if and when you have DC's.

My DD will be 16 this year. My DS1 will be 12. My DS2 will turn 11 at the end of the year, and my DS3 will be 3 later this week. Each if their Birthdays is just as important to me AND THEM as the previous one.

I have never worked on their Birthdays, I've ALWAYS booked the time off, up to a year in advance, to ensure that I am with them on their Birthdays.

The only wedding that would take priority over one of their Birthdays would be...one of my other DC's wedding. And I would be very unhappy if one of my other DC's chose to get married on one of their sibling's Birthdays.

I will still do my best to spend time with my DC's on their Birthdays (their lives permitting) even when they are 56! So it's very presumptuous of you to think that she should delay one of her DC's Birthdays for your Wedding.

Why can't you book your Wedding for the week BEFORE her sister's wedding, to ensure that she can attend both Weddings AND be there for her DC's Birthday?

Would that not be a better solution all round, if you haven't fully set the date yet?

It's almost like you are trying to 'test' your friendship with this woman by attempting to make her prioritise you over her DC. That is just unfair.

If she chooses not to attend in favour of being there for her DC's Birthday, it is not because she doesn't value your friendship. However, she may well value the friendship LESS if you get shirty with her for prioritising her DC's Birthday over your Wedding, if you book them to clash.

If you made that comment to her about not 'valuing the friendship' by choosing not to attend, I'm quite sure that it WILL damage the friendship.

Why would you try to make her choose between you and her DC like this when you could just book for a different week, like the week before her sister's wedding, and show HER how much you value the friendship and want her there?

whiteblossom · 20/01/2014 10:20

Wow, who are you to suggest that she delay celebrating her child's third bday. Those baby days are precious, trust me when I say that your wedding wont compare. Like you said if you really wanted her there you would have check dates with her first- such good friends that you are already knowing your best mates kids bday. Hmm

I didn't go to my BIL wedding as my ds would be 3 and traveling abroad plus other issues meant it would be too much for ds so we didn't go (dh did) my ds comes first not someone's wedding family or friend.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 20/01/2014 10:22

So you aren't willing to change a venue for a closer date, but expect your oldest friend to miss her childs birthday... yes, it is very telling of your priorities you are right!

OddFodd · 20/01/2014 10:22

So it would make the trip unfeasibly long for her and her DD if you have the wedding at your chosen venue.

I don't know why you bothered talking about her DS's birthday and her DD being a flowergirl because neither of those are relevant really are they?

diddl · 20/01/2014 10:26

Well if you value the venue more then you have your answer.

I'm thinking also that she is too far away so that if you had your wedding later-say a couple of months after her sister-a return trip wouldn't be possible for her & her daughter?

pinkdelight · 20/01/2014 10:26

mrscosmo that's very normal and almost always happens when DC are at nursery and parents are working. I think this is different - this is you being in another country for a week or so on your DC's birthday. Which sucks, to me.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:27

Jemima I AM consulting her about the date. But had I not found a date that was fairly close to the trip for her sister, I would not even have suggested that she come as I knew it would be impossible. Having found that date, I am now consulting her as to whether it is a possibility. I am prepared to accept that it is not, in fact my text was phrased as "that's probably a bit too long for you to extend by, isn't it?" She said that she was keen but would need to speak to her DH and then mentioned the birthday, I just wondered if it was a real issue. And now I know it is.

That's all. BTW my comment about lots of birthdays vs. one wedding was deliberately provocative, I admit, and is not necessarily my own opinion; I would neber say it to her. I was really just throwing it out there to see if anyone agreed.

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 20/01/2014 10:27

The venue matters more to YOU than having her there, yet YOU are the one making shirty comments about her not valuing your friendship if she chooses to be with her DC on her birthday?!

Wow. Just WOW!