Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
TortillasAndChocolate · 20/01/2014 11:40

The thing is, whether posters think the wedding is more important or the child's birthday is irrelevant. What matters is what the OP's friend thinks and feels about it. It's her choice and neither is right or wrong. It's just up to her friend to do what's right for her without feeling guilty either way.

curlew · 20/01/2014 11:41

Oh, and in relation to this particular thread, when mine were little, I would not like to have been the person who told my dd she couldn't be a flower girl because it was her little brother's birthday.......

MeepMeepVrooooom · 20/01/2014 11:44

Curlew I know you didn't aim that at me but I wouldn't go actually. If a member of my family organised their wedding on my DDs birthday and she couldn't attend then neither would I.

Beside from anything else I wouldn't actually have anyone to watch DD in those circumstances but even if I did I wouldn't go.

TinyTear · 20/01/2014 11:47

curlew how would a 5 year old know about being a flower girl before the mother had decided whether to go to the wedding or not?

curlew · 20/01/2014 11:49

True. But the mother would have prioritized a 3 yer old's birthday over a 5 year old's opportunity to be a flower girl. Which, in my book, stinks.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 20/01/2014 11:49

Would I go to my sisters wedding if it fell on my dc birthday? If the dc were also coming, yes. It the dc was not coming but the wedding was nearby, yes. If the wedding involved me being away for a week in a different county, no.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 20/01/2014 11:51

Oh FFS not the end of the world though is it
Much more important to be with both your children on a special family day IMO.

WilsonFrickett · 20/01/2014 11:54

Goodness, I think a lot of posters have missed the fact that the friend will be in the country anyway for her own sisters wedding. Presumably (given it's a long trip) the only way she could attend OP's wedding is by wrapping it up in her original trip.

Now of course it's up to the friend if staying on for another wedding means she feels she'll be away from her son/husband too long, or that she wants to get home for DS birthday, but actually, this is the only way she can make OP's birthday and IMO OP is being considerate arranging things this way.

WilsonFrickett · 20/01/2014 11:55

^^ only way she can make OP's wedding not birthday Blush

WilsonFrickett · 20/01/2014 11:58

My son's birthdays will always take priority over something like a wedding. Because I love him more than anyone else, and he is more important to me than anyone else.

I must be a terrible parent then. Oh well.

diddl · 20/01/2014 11:58

But it's pure luck that a date closeish to the visit has come up, isn't it?

If not, wouldn't OP be organising her wedding within the dates that her freind is actually already planning to be in UK?

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 11:59

TBH, I am blackmailing my friend with the flowergirl thing actually. Making her choose between her DS birthday and her princess-obsessed DD's chance to be a flower fairy. Thought I'd go all Sophie's Choice on her ass, that'll teach her Grin

["I am being sarcastic" emoticon]

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 20/01/2014 11:59

Bloody hell, OP, you are a total nutter.

You cannot accept that her child is more important to her, than a building is to you!

I am speechless! Shock

Does your "friend" know that you can get a more convenient date to accommodate her, if you can accept another venue?

TortillasAndChocolate · 20/01/2014 12:04

Why is everyone so judgemental about other people's choices? I wouldn't miss my son's birthday. But equally, if OP reported back and said her friend came to the wedding after all and did miss her son's birthday, I wouldn't think she made the wrong choice. She would be doing what's right for her.

It's weird to me that people are so shocked by people who say they would do something different to them.

curlew · 20/01/2014 12:04

Can I just gently remind people that there is a lot of your life left once your children aren't necessarily at home for their birthdays. And if you have absolutely prioritized them over your own friends, you may well find that said friends have moved on while you were focussing exclusively inwards................

MerylStrop · 20/01/2014 12:05

Is is probably not the case that it is not the birthday per se, but not wanting to be away from her very small child so long, and then the birthday just tops that off.

We have frequently celebrated our kids birthdays on different days without any pain. But perhaps not if one of us (and one of their siblings) had been away for a spell beforehand.

OP I think you are getting a bit bashed unnecessarily.

TortillasAndChocolate · 20/01/2014 12:06

I'm also amazed someone said they would reevaluate their friendship if the friend put their child's birthday before their wedding. My mouth fell open in shock.

TortillasAndChocolate · 20/01/2014 12:07

Although I guess I'm being a bit judgey pants on that one Grin

Grennie · 20/01/2014 12:09

I admit I have more or less dropped a friend who constantly put her children before our friendship, every single time.

curlew · 20/01/2014 12:10

"I'm also amazed someone said they would reevaluate their friendship if the friend put their child's birthday before their wedding. My mouth fell open in shock."

It was me. And I would. Why are you shocked?

Mim78 · 20/01/2014 12:11

I think yabu. Don't suggest anything.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 12:13

Thanks Wilsonï¼?glad you get it.

diddl if we could have found a venue that was suitable and was available on the weekend immediately before or after her sister's wedding then we would have booked that. However the venue we want only has availability two weeks after her sister's wedding, and her DS birthday also falls in those 2 weeks. There is nothing else comparable around.

She lives on literally the other side of the world and hasn't seen her Dad or Grandma for nigh on 5 years due to lack of money and pregnancy (they won't travel) and is unlikely to see her Gran again after this trip, and she doesn't work so a 2.5 wek trip was not completely out of the question. She hadn't yet told me how long she planned to stay. I only got engaged a month ago so my plans did not factor in her trip till now. I am actually looking at a date a month before my ideal (when the venue also available) to give her a fighting chamce of being able to make it.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 20/01/2014 12:15

Well, after your last post, not that big a nutter admittedly.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 20/01/2014 12:17

I guess I'm lucky that my friends understand that DS is definitely my priority, even over them. I reciprocate this sentiment to them too. Some of them were close friends before we had children and we shall be after they've grown too.

lottieandmia · 20/01/2014 12:19

I think YABU. Birthdays are very important and should always be celebrated IMO. It's normal to put your children before friends.