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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/01/2014 10:29

How long would she need to extend by?

I would have thought that more than a couple of days is a big ask tbh.

whiteblossom · 20/01/2014 10:30

so if you know the dates of her kids bdays did it not occur to you that it might be an issue for her- given that you really want her there or do you expect her to drop everything and come running because its your wedding day?

I cant work out if you have turned into bridezilla or if you are normally like this or maybe its because you don't have kids and therefor don't understand?

I totally agree with couthyMow

Joysmum · 20/01/2014 10:31

It depends what birthdays mean to the family.

In our house, birthdays have always been very important, important enough that the only get celebrated when we can clear a date to the celebrations and given that birthdays mostly fall midweek, the celebrations are rarely on the actual birthdate itself. It's never bothered my daughter as she knows the reasons and appreciates how beneficial this is.

DeWe · 20/01/2014 10:32

I don't think it's UR to do it for your own dc. But I do think it's UR to suggest someone else does it.

Dd1's 3rd birthday was actually 3 1/3 because dd2 was born just before her 3rd birthday, then came Christmas, so it got posponed till February. She was aware of this and thought it very funny.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/01/2014 10:35

In our house, birthdays have always been very important, important enough that the only get celebrated when we can clear a date to the celebrations and given that birthdays mostly fall midweek, the celebrations are rarely on the actual birthdate itself.

Yeah, us too.

I wouldn't find it a big deal to miss a birthday to go to a wedding and have the birthday when I came back.

But I still think it's best not to offer the "solution" of delaying the birthday. She knows that's possible.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:36

Venue-carefully chosen for the benefit of ALL the guests, none of whom give a rat's arse about whether my friend is there. Nothing comparable available closer to the sister's wedding. So yes, my priority is to value the enjoyment of all the guests over my friend possibly missing her son's birthday. Which I have not suggested that she do, nor have I accused her of not valuing our friendship, or any such thing. The eagle eyed amongst you will have noted that I asked not whether she was BU to prioritise the birthday but whether I WBU to suggest that it was an arbitrary date anyway.

OP posts:
FreshCucumber · 20/01/2014 10:36

My 3yo would have had no idea at all as to when their b'day is. For the to know they would have needed me to remind d them and as I don't tend to go on and on about their age, when they will be X years old etc they didn't have a clue.
I have moved their b'dayby a few days (DH was awY for work and I wNted to do something when he was there) and found ONE problem with that arrangement: school! Even though I specifically told them NOT to talk about it etcetera the teacher didn't seem to understand where I was coming from.
As for your friend she will have her personnal idea if this is ok or not. Maybe proposing to do 2 b'day parties (one here with her dd and then one at home with gone when family) could appeal more to her.

It is also clear that you really want her to be there and that you are trying to make it as easy as poss for her by planning the wedding around the time she will be in the UK.

Hope you will find a nice solution together!

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:41

couthy I didn't make any shorty comment to her. I said on this board that it was interesting that so many Mumsnetters no longer valued long friendships after having children, in response to multiple posts saying that I was very presumptuous to think she might consider missing the birthday for my wedding.

There was no comment made to my friend, and I do not think that she does not value our friendship.

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 20/01/2014 10:43

Is there any way you can incorporate some form of celebration for your friend's DC into you big day plans?

I know that friends of mine who've had weddings where children are present have made sure that there are appropriate table decorations/gifts on the tables for younger guests.

This is something that you could maybe discuss with your friend? Depending on what time your wedding may take place at, then it may be possible for them to go for meal before/after to celebrate the birthday? You could have a birthday card and gift in the child's place, and mention the birthday/raise glasses/cheer when doing the toasts?

I get that people want to celebrate birthdays with their children on the actual day, but really, some of the comments on here are making me go WTF? As long as there is an acknowledgement of the event does it really matter in the whole scheme of things? Children are important yes, and their needs should come first, but equally they do not have to have the world revolving around them 24 hours a day, every day.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:43

Or even any shirty comment. I make shorty comments all the time as she's less than 5ft tall Grin

OP posts:
OddFodd · 20/01/2014 10:44

What a complete strawman.

Jemimapuddlemuck · 20/01/2014 10:45

But it's not an arbitrary date. It's the date that she gave birth to her baby. It's probably massively important to her. This will probably be the first birthday that her DS has been properly aware of and excited about.

diddl · 20/01/2014 10:46

How long is she already going to be away?

Maybe she just wants to get back to her son & HUSBANDShock

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:46

Mrs C his birthday is not on the proposed wedding day, it's in between her sister's wedding and mine. And the DS will be literally on the other side of the world from my friend.

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 20/01/2014 10:48

Sorry you posted wanting to know if it was unfair to ask her to rearrange a birthday. Therefor I assume this is what you would like her to do.

You then go on to say a building is more important than her being there. A building more important than your friends child's birthday?

Have I read this right or have I got completely mixed up? The way I've read it makes you sound incredibly selfish and entitled. If not I apologise for picking you up wrong but it may go towards the reason people have replied the way they have.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:48

What's a strawman? Is it like a Wicker Man,where those who do not have children and cannot possibly know are burned for the sin of asking the opinion of those who do know Wink

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 20/01/2014 10:49

I'm still thinking about this.

I have a dear friend who lives overseas. If I had the news that she was to remarry then I'd go. Even if it was my DD's birthday I'd miss.
I would either arrange for a super-big pre-birthday and post-birthday celebration with my DD or I'd find a way to take her along.

CrazyOldCatLady · 20/01/2014 10:49

My PFB is 3.6 and I'd have had no problem with moving her 3rd birthday to go to a friend's wedding.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 10:49

OP as another childless woman on this site, I don't think YABU in your thoughts. But obviously lots of mothers disagree.

I would have thought teh issue would be far more being separated from her son for that length of time. I can totally understand not wanting to be apart from your son at that young age.

sallysoubriquet · 20/01/2014 10:50

I said on this board that it was interesting that so many Mumsnetters no longer valued long friendships after having children

Which was a ridiculously goadyfuckery thing to have said but lots of people have already said in response to that, that it's not a question of not valuing long term frienddhips (fuck alone knows where I would be without mine) but having to adjust priorities.

As I have tried to say nicely, but will now say it with rising impatience and a fair amount of patronising-ness: when you have children of your own you will find this out for yourself.

Love. Lots of it

Jemimapuddlemuck · 20/01/2014 10:51

By the way I don't agree with all those 'you don't have kids, you can't possibly understand' patronising comments. I would have understood the importance of a child's birthday to their parents long before I had any of my own.

sallysoubriquet · 20/01/2014 10:52

where those who do not have children and cannot possibly know are burned for the sin of asking the opinion of those who do know

If that is your genuine intention, why are you arguing the toss with those very people, whose experience is, as you say, more relevant than yours.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:52

Meep the building is integral to the enjoyment of the other 59 guests. It is not more important than my friend's son's birthday. But the potential prejudice tto the enjoyment of the majority outweighs the downside to both me and my friend of not being together on my wedding day.

OP posts:
sallysoubriquet · 20/01/2014 10:53

Very fair pointJemima. I stand corrected (not being sarcastic, I mean it!)

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 10:55

I'm not arguing the toss! I have said thank you for the advice and that I will act on it! The last few posts have been correcting misconceptions about what I said/ think.

OP posts: